Retired&Lost,

Before I learned this past April that my husband was bi and having a gay sexual affair for the last 30 years, I had learned in January 2014 that my husband had been having at least an emotional if not physical affair with a female coworker.   I knew that I needed to leave the marriage but as a SAHM I also knew I wasn't ready yet, emotionally mostly but also just logistically.  So for over two years I lived as you are now ... knowing it was over, trying to pack and plan, all the while keeping it secret that I knew his secret.  It is both tragic and comic that I was so hurt when I had no idea the true and much more devastating secret waiting in the wings.

So I have been there and here is my advice, for what it's worth.  Don't let this go on too long, as it is extremely unhealthy for your emotional health.  It is true that you need to do certain things (particularly work with a lawyer) to protect your interests, but a lot of what you are doing is delaying the final horrible moment of truth.  And understandably so.  Speaking only for myself, I think there was a part of me that was hoping (1) he would die and spare me all the trauma or (2) some magical thing would happen that would make everything I knew suddenly turn out to be some huge misunderstanding.  Yes, I know it is crazy, but as long as I did not pull that trigger, it could happen right?  Given how crazy and unbelievable the actual truth was, the crazy magical thinking didn't seem as far-fetched then as it does now.  Delaying only defers the pain and can give him more time to hurt you.

Channel that anger to get things done.  Don't sweat over small shit ... the kitchen utensils (for example)  will take care of themselves.  Tuck away items that are truly yours and have sentimental or financial value.  Stop making payments on anything that is only in his name, such as car loan or credit card, and put all money towards responsibilities you will have to handle alone.  Do not open a private bank account as a credit report will reveal it and you will probably still be on the hook to share the contents.  Keep looking for a lawyer you feel comfortable working with and go get that free consult with as many lawyers as you can.  Why?  Because they will then not be available for your partner due to confict of interest rules.  So go interview the best ones just to remove them as an option for him!!  Are you in a fault state?  Are you in a community property state that will treat you as married even though you are not?  Will you need documentary proof of his activities and if so do you have that proof and stored safely somewhere?  Is it legal to record him without his permission?  These are things to explore with a lawyer.

Mostly, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you face this at this point in your life.  It sucks.  Boy do I understand how much it sucks.  But don't forget that there is happiness and life on the other side.  Not having to work in no way makes up for the pain and horror of staying with this person in your life.  Your freedom awaits and YOU are the warden with the key.  Big hugs to you.

Last edited by Dixie (August 14, 2016 12:27 pm)

Selfrenewal...  You are right on the mark with your suggestion bc I started a 12-step program a few mos. back.  I previously had lost 25 lbs on WW and am now at my healthy BMI but was noticing some behaviors that I could see correlating with the binging and wasn't gonna allow all my hard work sabotaged again.  I did some research and got into an OA program, got a strong sponsor and I've had to dump these problems on her. Through using the program(I am just now beginning the 4 th step), I am getting lots of this emotional crap out of me and dealing with lots of denial.  Thank God.  Everything does happen for a reason...sometimes we have to search and find it!  My partner of 15 yrs was a recovering alcoholic  when I met him(found out AFTER I moved in with him in HIS home), got engaged(even though he told me he'd NEVER  marry me....red flag but ok at that time with me)...I was happy living in a beautiful home and leading  a nice lifestyle.  His family was so thrilled he found me and was getting married bc he'd NEVER been married(maybe another red flag)....unfortunately, I discovered a drink on a floor in the home I happened to take a sip from and was shocked it had alcohol in it.  I cancelled the wedding and moved out quickly.  I was very happy to purchase my OWN home here but  allowed him to talk me into moving here with ME 2 yrs later.  I know he had to attend AA meetings previously due to a court order(having several DUI's when I had moved out.& was even put in jail)...​but to this day he's a dry drunk and NOT attending meetings....Who knows if he IS drinking also.  There's so much other stuff, too much to include here.  I guess I managed to stay in denial so long bc he treats me on an every day basis like GOLD.  I cringe even saying this now knowing maybe WHY he's treated me like this....the cover and ensuring his lifestyle stays private?  Who knows.  I've learned so much from everyone's posts here, picking up suggestions/advice, etc.  I am making the appt with a counselor today, returning to a different female lawyer this time and since I'm very limited with finances, hopefully a few with free consults.  After doing all this, I hope to put a timeline on my exit(or I should say his since I hold the mtg on this home!)....either way, I need to get my head on straight, get my power back and think with my head, no longer my heart seeking the financial security I need to do all this.  Funny also you mentioned the book.  I ordered the book you mentioned by that author and another one that my daughter is dropping off today!!!  I had her order thru amazon so he wouldn't know.  I've told no one about this except my sponsor, a close friend I can really trust.  So the "secret" stays a secret with all this crap to work through.  I don't even KNOW how I accessed this site but God works in mysterious ways, ah?Thanx again....I'm always open for any suggestions.  Can you share your story on timeframe of acting on your situation instead of reacting?

Hi Retired&Lost, glad to hear that you've found a 12-step program.  I know Al-Anon has truly helped because it focuses on how to deal with the addict's behaviors, and really, how to let it just roll of your back. I'm not sure how similar OA is to this, but 12-step programs are good.

It's crazy how similar are stories are. I believe my partner is an addict to relieve his pain from self-denial and the guilt from his seedy indiscretions. Similar to you, there's just too much stuff to type. But, just like your partner, mine treated me like gold on a daily basis, too. He was the perfect man, we were best friends, laughed all the time, had a good sex-life (although there were some periods of no sex which he claimed was from his depression meds, he wasn't sure, etc. - there's another post on here where the woman put a list of her husband's reasons for no sex and it's exactly what mine would say). He was perfect to the outside community, super smart, played piano at church, had great friends, etc., but no one knew the truths he was hiding.

I think all that's important in your situation is you're unhappy and the things you found 2 years ago are driving you to obsession. Is that type of thinking normal? Well, in such an abnormal situation like this I'd say it is normal, as your brain is trying to heal and rationalize everything, BUT that does NOT make it healthy. It's probably the worst type of thinking you'll go through in this process. It's circular and destructive to your mental well-being. In the end, what does it matter? You already know you can't live the way you are with the current knowledge you possess, why keep digging for more? It's only going to hurt 1,000 times more. Trust me, I know. I took that same bait and I became obsessed with wanting to know more and trying to figure out "is he gay?" "is he bi?" "is this just sex w/o emotional attachments?" "is he even having sex?" ... the list could go on forever, and that's part of the thinking that kept me chained to this unhealthy man. It go so bad that I'd find ways to figure out his passcode on his phone, his email passwords, fb, etc and I'd spend hours looking for clues as soon as he walked out the door. At one point he had his friends (a pastor) put tracking software on his phone so he had some "accountability," and I would sneak into that and check it all the time - it also included all the websites he visited. It didn't matter bc if he wanted to look up stuff he could use another unhooked-up computer. One night, I went through 600 CL posts to see if I could find him - I WAS COMPARING DICKS - "Yes, that looks like his, and this ad sounds like him, 6'2, SWM, 190lbs" etc. 600 ads I went through comparing dicks - that's FUCKING CRAZY. I also created adam4adam and grinder pages hoping to catch him. Most of the time this was futile, let alone CRAZY. 95% of the time I didn't find anything, but what did that matter? I already had the truth and this only caused me additional pain and made me crazy - I became his probation officer, and that wasn't my job. So, when you ask, "is this enough proof," I'll say yes, because there's more than likely a shit ton of stuff you did not find - they are masters at hiding who they really are, it's the only coping mechanisms they've learned, and they're damn good at it because it comes down to their own self-preservation. I will say my obsessive crazy ways didn't start that way, but slowly built up as my standards lowered. It first began with, "I'll just look at his text messages - yes, this is a violation of trust and I shouldn't do this, but I HAVE TO KNOW" but then reached it's peak when I found myself cruising CL ads looking for his dick, or his appendectomy scar.  SUPER UNHEALTHY.

I love your question of when I began acting instead of reacting. It really made me think. I do believe that, in my case, acting & reacting were mixed in together, and still are. I constantly rationalized, telling myself he only did this or that because he has some deep, undealt with issues, and then I pitied him bc I knew he "loved" me bc he treated me so well on a daily basis. That thinking was detrimental - He didn't need me to understand him, or figure him out, he's a capable adult. I needed to remove myself from the situation. 

My tipping point came in waves. First I realized that he and I could never have the relationship I wanted, regardless of his problems. I knew he'd never marry me bc he was always going to step outside or do drugs - both things I knew I couldn't put up with, or if we did marry it'd end miserably with either him being unhappy, me being unhappy, or me causing him unhappiness bc of the built-up resentments. The second tipping point was when I realized/acknowledged how crazy I was for constantly searching for "the truth," after I already had it. After I went through 600 CL ads (I kept count), I sat there and thought "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?" This toxic relationship has driven me to the point of madness, this isn't who I am. Simultaneously I realized I'd lost myself. The next point came when I realized how dangerous he was for my career - which is all I had left from him - he took my trust, my love, my dignity, my HEALTH, and he embarrassed/humiliated me so many times in front of my/his friends I could no longer face them and essentially lost them.  The moment he fucked with my career reputation I said fuck you.

So as to an action timeline, what I mention above is kind of my mental timeline, with each tipping point occurring with 3-4 months inbetween the next (this started in January). We've also broken up numerous times only to get back together. But in January when I realized he'd NEVER give me what I want or deserve I registered for the bar exam in a state all the way across the country. I changed my plans from staying in our small university town and working for a law office there to taking the risk of moving and finding a job in a foreign state. I began to let go of my obsessive thinking and told myself that the truth will always come out in the wash, and continuing to search will only damage/hurt me further. This helped to turn my thinking onto myself and I began to think of better ways to care for myself. Fortunately for me, we just rented a home together and the lease expired in July. I also took a bar exam in February and recently took the one in the other state in July. He moved out in March and began living with another AA woman bc I needed him to leave. He went to rehab in May, although we'd still been together during this time and I didn't know he was on meth or continuing to peruse CL bc I quit looking. After rehab we tried to live together again but the resentments were TOO high and I treated him like shit or I was constantly crying so he moved out again and I stayed until our lease terminated naturally.  We stayed in contact although it was unhealthy. Now, even though I sickly still want him back, I moved all my stuff to my mom's and am sleeping on her couch. Although I'm an attorney in this state, I do not have a job bc I'm moving across the country in a couple of weeks - this has been the hope I've held on to and has given me strength to know that things can be better.  But, upon reflection, I think the biggest "action" I took throughout this process was just to let it go and unfold how it's going to unfold. I quit trying to control the situation (quit searching for things), and just decided to deal with everything as it came after me. I detached from my situation, and took the focus off of what he was doing and directed it towards me. I made boundaries in my head and promised myself I wouldn't allow myself to be lied to or manipulated anymore - I began gaining my self-respect back.

I'm not sure if this is what you were asking or hoping my response would be,since I didn't really take too many actions. But my suggestion to you would be, if you're really ready to leave, is to make a plan. Direct all of your energy you're projecting onto ruminating over your relationship and what's he's doing/.not doing and focus yourself and your plan. Create your own boundaries, which you don't have to relay to your partner - just know what you are comfortable with and what is unacceptable, and do not waiver. As to not wanting him to find out, quit trying to control the things between you two and just let everything play out as it should while you quietly work behind the scenes to get out. It's great that you've sought out a counselor and a lawyer, those are going to be essential to moving forward. Remember, the only thing that matters is that you're unhappy and are wanting to leave, what he does/doesn't do has nothing to do with you anymore. I know this is easier said than done, trust me, but the changes truly start when you begin to change your perspective. 
 

Last edited by selfrenewal (August 16, 2016 12:03 pm)

I also agree that any 12 step program will help build self confidence and awareness. Build your team around you, get a good counselor, acupuncturist, nutritionist, lawyer, accountant or whoever will help you stay on the positive path to recovery. 

Just checking in.  Have a free consult with a lawyer in 2 days to confirm the info I originally rec'd from the "paying lawyer".  I had to extract too much info from him and didn't feel confident I rec'd everything I need to know regarding the financial "rights" my partner may have when I ask him to leave.  I'm concerned bc he put so much money into updates and renovations of this house....even tho the deed is in MY name only.  He also contributed to half the expenses here for 10 years... I've got the counselor appt on Friday with a list of questions mostly asking for some direction on getting my power back in this relationship and hopefully ensure no one crosses my boundaries again!  I could sit here and be angry with myself but I'm trying to stay calm and if any anger, channel it to HIM for wasting 10 yrs of my life with the lying and cheating.  Who knows IF the soliciting on CL when I caught him 2 yrs ago still goes on but I do remember something to that effect over 12 years ago when we split...This daily pretending everything is fine is really having a toll on me bc he's even asked me just last week if everything is "ok"....GEEZ!  I think I'll feel better AFTER the counselor and lawyer appointments just so I can relax and know where I stand financially.  I also have a couple applications I've got to get on with...  I've got to take one day at a time and not get too stressed with all the details...even though the part time job will give me only partial financial security...Can anyone share their conversations with their partner/husband when they decided to drop the truth on them.  My partner adamantly denied being gay or even acting on his solicitation of sex M4M on CL....even after I showed him the nude pic I found of himself on his own phone!