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Roo,
I can see how terribly difficult it could be to get away from someone you're always with. Is there a way to do something like pretend to schedule a doctor's appointment that you need to go to? Maybe a gyne appt.? That can and does routinely take hours to get through due to maternity issues cropping up. It could buy you some time.
Does he know that you know? I can't remember your specific circumstances. I feel like I so often see/hear of us straights acting like WE are doing something wrong or sneaky when we find THEM doing something wrong and sneaky, and we are somehow the ones needing to behave in order to not piss them off. Except.... would you agree with that behavior if this were happening to anyone outside of your relationship? Would you say they needed to walk around scared that their partner was going to find out that they were trying to build some space into their relationship and figure out their path forward after what they'd found out their spouse had done? NO! You would not. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier to do what you feel needs to be done when you feel that need to behave and not show your cards. I get that. What would you tell a best friend to do if she were in your situation? Is there a way for a friend to help you? Like..... making plans to go out with the friend, and then stopping by the lawyer's office with them in tow? It could give you the date/time you need, and then the kind shoulder afterward that would help if the two of you went out and had coffee/pie, too.
I totally get that you feel like your hands are tied due to you two working together. But please try to start seeing the situation from other eyes - those of what you would tell a good friend to do in your case. And please - tell us what you are afraid of. Are you afraid of actual physical repercussions? Or of him going off on a tirade? Are you fearful that he will get angry and start taking money away from joint accounts? Or are you just so used to playing the good wife that you don't know how to disappoint him without feeling bad about your behavior? It can help to pinpoint that, and figure out the likelihood of what will happen, and how to combat that.
We're here for you, Roo.
Kel
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Kel,
He knows I know about the 'one man' he was involved with. He doesn't know I know he has been searching the internet for hook-ups and that he goes to gay saunas. He also doesn't know I know about his 'secret stash' of toys or his continue use of gay porn. He has profiles set up on several gay hook-up websites. I have print-outs of all of this. I just don't understand if he was straight up gay, why he would always want to have sex with me and complain that I don't 'give it to him' enough. I has a serious addition to porn that is for sure and it's not just normal stuff either, it's the wants to be humiliated kind.
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Roo,
When you know things it can eat you up with stress...it is a form of trauma. I know because I knew almost everything. Folks here will tell you I used to shake with trauma as I knew things were a lie...
ie. is she going shopping or is it a date?
For those suspecting and wanting to know more I have say it doesn't always help..it doesn't make the situation any better; ie...you suspect he's gay because of the porn he watches so you snoop and discover he's on a gay hookup site...then you want to know if he met any of the people etc.. It just doesn't solve anything or make things any better.
I would say you know enough.. You know what you will find if you keep looking... just more bad stuff.
Keep your printouts ...not as evidence to be used against him per se but as evidence that you are not crazy...not imagining things. Keep emotionally distancing yourself from him (physically if that makes you feel better)...this is not cruel, unkind or deceitful.. this is a form of protecting yourself from the emotional abuse that he is inflicting on you by leading this double life. Take small steps each day for yourself ... small but forward..always forward. Do not put any time table on anything..
Some quotes/truths for courage and strength...
"The mills of God grind slowly...but they grind exceedingly small.."
"You are not a citizen of the valley...you need not build your home there"
"We need to go through valley, through the fire, through to the flood, to a place of great abundance"
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This has been a beneficial thread to see everyone's progress and concerns. My wish for you, me...all of us, is to find that light in this world. Be it from a STRAIGHT mate or from loving ourselves back to the mental and physical health we deserve. Now for my update: I never had any proof that my GID soon-to-be-ex was cheating with men. All I heard were rumors. But I just knew. I knew it from the lack of passion, and the eyes-closed shut during all sexual encounters. I have been financially dependent on him for the last five years. I signed an unfair pre-nup which leaves me penniless. Since I officially left a few months ago, I've gotten no more "UTI infections." Maybe they were STD's? And the antibiotics worked? Anyway, I met someone in my city who I've begun dating. No sex (yet) but this man's kisses tell a whole different story that what it was like kissing my husband - who hated kissing. I feel as if I'm the only one on the forum who hasn't found any proof of TGT. I've checked phones, computers...nothing. This lack of real proof kept me going back to him after the love-bombing. Not anymore. Sometimes...rather often...we just "know" and ignore those feelings. Hugs to all.
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Great Insight, Piper. Yes, I agree, "We just Know."
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Oh Roo I can't imagine what it would be like to have all of that bottled up inside. That's enough to make you so very physically sick. My GHID had all of that hookup shit too.. I exploded and then went into complete shock. I couldn't stop screaming. I broke $6,000 worth of his fishing stuff and destroyed his 'man town' room and everything in it. We all react differently I guess and who's to say what the right way is. I certainly admire your strength and self control. I have a feeling you'll do OK girl.
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Kathyd, I am about to lose my shit today! He gave me grief about business related stuff and when I pushed back he told me to fuck off, something he tells me a lot. I told him to go fuck his boyfriend. He still does not know I know about his profiles but this is all coming to a head. He has fishing gear as well. Seems that's all he cares about lately besides his other 'activity'.
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Piper I really didn't have enough 'proof' either. We only dated and didn't live together so it was hard to get more evidence. But what I did see was proof enough. For starters my gut told me something was wrong before anything else. So I listened to my gut and watched him like a hawk esp when he didn't realize it. It was mostly during his unaware moments that I watched him stare and/or make enough prolonged eye contact with other men on every occasion. Prolonged eye contact is the cue for them to 'know' whose interested. The longer the eye contact the more intense and lustful it became. A smirk and a nod was usually followed, and if a restroom was nearby he'd suddenly have the need to use it.
Not only did I watch him, but I watched all the shady looking men around him and they do they same eye dance with each other. (But not the straight guys.) My ears often picked up a low 'mmm' sound of approval from him when he saw what he liked. When he got a respsonce he would turn and walk back in their direction and linger around anywhere his interest was. Once I caught him crab his crotch really quick when a couple of gay guys passed us on the beach. His head kept flying back and forth from our conversation to their direction and as they got closer he locked eyes with one of them as he did it. I guess he didn't think I'd notice, because as usual I was pretending not to.
If a male and female couple came within sight, he checked out the guy mostly and payed little attention to the women. He seemed to get especially excited around older married men like himself. I understand that's what many of them prefer. That way they can stay 'discreet' and married to unsuspecting partners. He also made too many comments about other men on the telly and in real life and his eyes never failed to rake the whole body, especially the ass.
So that alone was the grand opening door to knowing he liked men. Later I did just the right amount of snooping and stalking to notice he liked to linger around areas known for cruising, such as parks and rest stops. He'd sit in his truck like the other freaks with the window open and watch the scene around him or play with a phone that he kept on silent or hidden from my view. Many times I noticed he gave a few signals including hand signals that I found out later were purposely used for cruising other men and letting them know which sexual position you were. (According to his wrist flip by the ass he is a bottom.)
Then there was a problem with ED, and other sexual performance flags. Later I found a homo pix on his phone that he claimed suddenly appeared from an internet search. He played hide a phone and cleared all history search after that bust and there were enough long unexplained disappearances to form a basic picture.
I watched the first signs or a long time in silence before confronting him. He did everything in his power to keep these actions hidden afterwards but by then it was too late. I'd seen enough. Though I still loved him and tried to deny what I'd seen, all trust was lost.
Thankfully it was a short romance instead of the long marriages I read about on here. I'm doing great but do run into him on occasion. He still denies being gay, bi or having any type of gay hookups. But my gut and my memory of what I saw tells me differently. I can't unsee what I saw and it's changed me and ruined any hope for a chance with me.
Love and kisses to all. Hang in there.
We will all get through THIER mire and come out cleaner. Even if it takes a while with a lot of pain, it will happen, but THEY will still be dirty and smell as bad as they did in the beginning.
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Hi Guys,
I posted a 'seasonal check-in' under the 'My Story' thread. I'm not sure if people will see it there but check it out.
Love to you all.