Hello,

I am new to this forum (and a lot of things...) so I hope I am posting in the correct place. 

I'm just going to spill it all because I am at my wit's end. 

My husband and I have been married for 4 years now, together 6. We lived together for 2 years before we got married. Six months into our relationship I found women's clothes in his dresser; a few pairs of panties and a slip. He told me that the dresser had belonged to his ex-wife and that he got it in the divorce and had just never cleaned the clothes out of it. I was hurt that he would keep his ex-wife's clothing but we worked through it and I accepted that explanation. Another thing I discovered was estrogen he was taking. I asked him about that, as well. His explanation was that he had a hormone imbalance that caused him to have low testosterone. He said that doctors had suggested he take testosterone but the effects that had on him physically and emotionally were very unpleasant so a doctor suggested the possibility that a low dose of estrogen would be beneficial. He also said that, in all honesty, he didn't necessarily identify with either gender and the best description for him would be intersex; however, presenting as male was not a problem for him and that is how he chose to live. 

I considered leaving him at that point but we got along so well together and we had already developed such deep feelings for each other that I concluded that in all honesty this information didn't change much, if anything, about our relationship. We continued on and it wasn't an issue any more. At least not for me... I accepted what I thought was his truth and I was satisfied that I was "with a man". We fell in love and in my mind it was like a fairy tale. 

I suppose at this point I should include the fact that I brought my daughter into this relationship as well. She was 8 when my husband and I first got together. I'd been a single mother since her birth. Father is not in the picture. 1 year into our marriage he adopted my daughter.

We were living in CA at the time of our marriage. Shortly after our marriage he was offered a very good job opportunity in TN. I didn't like the idea of moving to TN but chose to give him the opportunity to further his career and thought we could make a good start to our lives together there. 

After living in TN for 2 years and making no friends I was already feeling isolated and lonely but I was happy with my marriage. Our marriage was happy and I was happy in it. Then, seemingly out of the blue, my husband went into a deep depression. He was withdrawn, drank more, sad and quiet. I couldn't ever get it out of him what was going on. Finally, one day, via text, he told me that he is transgender. Not only that but he'd known for a very long time. Not only that but he had come out to his family during his previous marriage and his ex-wife knew as well. 

So... I've always considered myself an LGBTQ ally and I find no fault in his being transgender. Even if I can't bring myself to use the correct pronouns. What I cannot accept is the all out dishonesty. This wasn't something that he was coming to terms with. This was something he'd not only known about and accepted about himself many years prior to our relationship, this was something he had already come out to his family about. This was something he had already begun the transition process on. This was something he deliberately kept from me and lied to me about when I flat out asked him about it. I feel manipulated, lied to, taken advantage of, and stupid. Above all, I feel stupid. Well, maybe anger is top of the list and then stupid. It's a mixture of those two feelings right now. 

He had every opportunity to be honest with me. He had every opportunity to live his life as a woman and chose not to. He mixed me up in such a lie of a life and now I feel more alone than I did right after my daughter was born. I cannot believe that you could do something like this to a person you claim to love. It feels so emotionally abusive that I can't even look at him any more. 

The first year after he told me I was in denial and I didn't face it all. I was starting a new job at the time and I wanted to cling to the stability that my life had finally found after having been a struggling single mom for so many years. The idea of going back to that life was crippling. But he upped his hormone therapy. His breasts are larger than mine. He acts feminine and gets frustrated with me when I don't use female pronouns. Things have begun to come in the mail addressed to his female name and he's seeing a doctor about sexual reassignment surgery. Our communication is all but non existent at this point. He simply keeps things from me because he thinks it helps me. When in reality it just makes me feel abandoned. The first birthday I had after he told me I woke up alone because he had packed his bags and left to drive to Michigan to go to a pride event. I didn't understand what was going on until later that day he texted that he was almost to Michigan and acted like he had told me all along that he was going. 

All else aside I just feel like he's being a bad spouse. These aren't things you do to someone you claim to love and care about. 

Whenever I try to talk to him about my side of things and express how badly I am hurting he just says "I'm sorry". It's the most insincere apology I've ever received. It's quickly followed by "what do you want to do about it?". I just... I don't know what I want. 

I've been left behind while he pursues his happiness. A happiness I thought we had already found together. I feel abandoned and so alone. I feel trapped. I've never made enough to support my daughter and I on my own. She's adopted now, I love our home, I love the life I thought I was choosing for myself. At this point I want to leave because I no longer trust the person I married. I no longer believe they are on my side and love me for me. I no longer feel like we're a team. I feel like I've been given an impossible ultimatum. I feel like I have no choice that ends in my happiness. 

I've moved into our basement. My daughter is almost 16 and I've explained to her what's going on. I think sometimes I want to at least try to be on his side and go through the transition with him. I know the only reason he hasn't completely gone through with it is because of me. I think sometimes I'll stay with him and we'll just have an open relationship. I think sometimes what's the point? I think sometimes I'll just sell our home and leave and my daughter and I will go on. Most of the time I just think that no matter what I do I'll be unhappy. So... I sit alone in my basement apartment every night and I just try to make it to the next day. I don't hold out hope that he'll decide to take it back and give me the life I thought we had but I suppose that's what I'm asking for by keeping things in this limbo. I'm heart broken more than I've ever been in my entire life. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I've failed myself and my daughter. I feel guilty that I can't be the type of person he needs me to be.

He's taken a weight off his shoulders, placed it squarely on mine and just walked away.