I am 57, married 38 years. I am struggling with forgiveness( I don't even think I am questioning this anymore, I am just trying to accept it) for all I longed for/needed and know it will never come to be reality for me. I asked him nicely a couple years back, are you gay, to which he replied, I don't know, I don't think so. First off, I have never ever complained about his performance(though extremely disfunctional) just at times the fact that we rarely had sex. Before marriage the excuse for no sex was, I respect you too much. After marriage, we had sex one time on our wedding night, for like 10 seconds. Then he cried but told me he had no idea why. I felt awful from our wedding night on because I felt undesirable, one time on your wedding night and having your new husband cry then go to sleep will do that. He always has flinched if I happen to touch him in bed but I can hold his hand and kiss him when not in bed. If I bring up the subject of him flinching, jerking and pulling away(very obviously), he denies it and says it never happens even though I cannot possibly count the times it has happened. He asked me why every time he touched me that I thought we had to have sex, he said I was a sex maniac for wanting sex once a week as a newly married woman. We had sex about once a week for the first few years and less than once a month after that. I have never ever looked across the room to find him looking longingly at me, never, not even once has he come up behind me and put his arms around me romantically or even suggested that we have sex when not already in bed. Sexy nightgowns, lingerie etc had zero effects on him, 100% of the time. I was not fat or ugly though he always made me feel hideously unwantable by neglecting me as a sexual being. The only time we ever had sex is after watching a romantic scene in a show(still rare, more like a reminder to him than a turn on), when he wakes in the night with an erection(since he could not get it on by help of me or my body), he lays next to me and tries to get himself going and when he can't he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I have been told by him...its not you, its me...so many times I could not even guess at the count. That only screamed, there IS something wrong with you(me) to me. I guess I am just trying to work through this and find forgiveness for him but I am very hurt and angry because I feel like his lies ruined any chance I had at being a good lover to someone. Saving grace: he is sweet, caring and he does love me, I have no doubt. I do not believe he has ever physically cheated on me, to his own expense, he remains faithful but at the same time, it has been at my expense also. He is the very 'best' friend I have or could ever have had and I love him dearly. I have no plans to leave him but wonder at myself if that might be different if I were in a different manner of physical health. I'd like to think that I would still want to stay with him because I truly love him, it's just that the extreme hurt and disappointment is so strong right now that I cannot get past it. I feel like an admittance from him and an apology would go a LONG way toward making me heal but I don't think I will ever get either so I need to heal on my own and don't know how. I think this is a secret he will take to his grave rather than admit to himself or me. I am not homophobic and he knows I support LGBT rights and equality. 

Last edited by Rosallie (June 12, 2018 9:37 am)