Hi Dixie,

I'm sorry for all you've had to endure and are going through.  Know that it does get better over time.  I found out about 4 years ago that my now ex was gay - that was a good year + after I'd had enough of the lack of intimacy and told him I wanted to divorce.  That was after 16 years of marriage.  It's easier to deal with the aftermath when you're not in love anymore, for sure.  But of course it's 6 of one and half-dozen of another - falling out of love during the marriage may make the aftermath easier, but it sure does make the last years of the marriage painful and empty.  There's no getting out without some pain.  The good news is that after the rain comes the rainbow.

Your ex sounds like a narcissist.  Anyone who could cheat on their spouse for their entire 30 year marriage can't exactly have much of a heart.  The fact that he ever looked like he may have was all an act.  Lord only knows why these people can't just decide that marrying would be unfair to both themselves AND the person they marry (and the children that would come out of the union), but they just don't care enough to care about anyone but themselves.  They have to turn all of that off (or never have been capable of feeling those guilty emotions in the first place) in order to live with their choices.  They convince themselves that they are the victim so they don't feel like shit.  I guess it works for them.  Know that even if your husband had offered you a warm embrace or apology, it wouldn't have been enough anyway.  You may as well have gone this route in that it at least gives you a glaring view at who you're really dealing with.  When they apologize and ask for forgiveness and beg and plead and "love bomb" us, it can be that much more difficult to extract our hearts.

There is no good way to find out that they're gay, or that they pulled the wool over your eyes.  There is no apology big enough to make up for the deception they've pulled.  No matter what, it's going to hurt.  I consider those of us who get some form of confirmation (whether an admission or them coming out) to be the lucky ones among us who at least get to see the truth.  Otherwise it's all just a mind fuck.

As for your sister-in-law, I believe she's trying to help you in the only way that she thinks she can.  I think you know this.  The fact that it's having the opposite affect on you aren't at all surprising.  If that was love, is that what you deserved?  Is that what you should expect again someday from love?  No, it's not.  It's not right, it's not fair, and if you go by the "love is patient, love is kind" definition in 2 Corinthians, then no - what he did is NOT "love".  At least not for you.  What he did was self-serving.  Even when someone is ultra selfish they still seem to inherently know though that they shouldn't LOOK that way.  So they pain a pretty scene over what was done, to minimize their poor behavior.  They're fooling no one but themselves.  Just because he seems to believe what he did was okay doesn't make it okay.  He is not the judge of your pain.  It exists no matter how much he denies it or says you're overstating it or dwelling on it.  It's yours - he can't deny you what you feel.  He can declare the sky not to be blue, buy that won't make it true.  He's just a coward for not admitting his actions.

You're in the right place.  Keep coming.

Kel

Back here posting again and sooo thankful I found this site and everyone is so open, honest and not afraid to offer their stories and suggestions.  Right now the most difficult thing for me is the waiting game.  I've gotten an appt. with a counselor one week from Friday to help work through all this pain, anger and now mourning of the life/person I thought I had.  Tomorrow, I will look for a different lawyer(preferably female who may have MORE compassion for what we are experiencing) and hopefully I can get some money together bc now there's  leak in the roof($8,000 set back which I don't have) and think I s/sell this house!!!  That's one of the first questions buyers have is what age is the roof?   I'm hoping I can do a patch job but would have to negotiate and take off the price if its due for a total replacement.  I have so much leg work with covering my bases and getting all this shit done, its difficult finding time when we are NOT together.  I have to plan everything while he's out...I'm on a very limited income and just realized I can hopefully sell the diamond ring we gave me for engagement(over 14 yrs ago)....another story sometime.  I don't wear it so he wouldn't even notice its gone. Does anyone have any idea where I could go to get the most for that ring bc I had it appraised and have paperwork.  That would help with the roof set back.  He lives in MY home and helping with all the bills but I will probably sell and rent in my community bc I figure I'd unload the house thinking it will be too much stress worrying about maintenance and repairs not to mention all the lawn work, sprinklers, etc  I could get a nice villa here I figure(furnished) for $1200/mo and just work part time to cover all the expenses HE is now paying for. I figured a rental bc I will probably need a good year to decide WHAT to do with my life and just hopefully recover from this fiasco, emotions and ensure I don't have any set patterns with men!  I've known him for 15 years, have given up all my power to him emotionally due to his control issues even though he treats me well in so many other ways.  I can't use the words, "I love you" at this stage and he has absolutely NO idea my reality of him being gay has surfaced so try to live daily with HIS lie and being in denial....what pisses ME off is he carries on like nothing is wrong(since he doesn't know what I'm going thru), sleeps like a rock at night while I toss and turn and lose sleep!  Again, this waiting game, playing my cards right and getting all the ducks in a row is extremely difficult for me....EESH

Hi, I'm Joanne and I'm new here, I just joined today.I knew something was wrong in our marriage, I honestly thought he was cheating with women he hooked up with online. Imagine my surprise when I found out the truth. I found all the PROOF anyone could ever want, but live in a no fault state. I have always worked, but find that it isn't enough to support myself. I am stuck, for now, he is aware I know, and offered to "end" everything. But we all know, what would really happen, he would just go back to business as usual. So I don't ask and we don't talk much, just day to day stuff. This is a second marriage for us both, we have no kids together, and I know he married me as a cover. I am still in the stage of trying to find a better job, I don't need to be rich, but living in a cardboard box under a bridge because I gave everything to our 12 year marriage doesn't seem right either. He wants an open marriage, he says he's bi, I am still wading thru the "how did I not know" phase. I am not interested in an open marriage, to me that's dating. All of my family have passed on, except my adult children (his and mine), and they don't know the situation. He has been "OUT" on the internet for a long time so I recently discovered that everyone I work with have known the entire time and said nothing. When I asked why, I was asked in return, "would you have believed us?" Well, they got me there, but I still feel very betrayed and alone until now. I don't expect anyone to fix my problems, but it's nice to know I am not imagining being gas lighted or that it's not my fault he decided to lie to me. I guess I am looking for a little understanding and friendship, just like all of you.

Hi JJ1966.  So sorry you are here, but welcome.  I think you have more rights than you think you do.  For example, it only takes 10 years of marriage for you to qualify for social security benefits computed on the basis of his earnings as if you were still his spouse even if you divorced.  And if you do not remarry, your SSN benefits would double if he dies.  You may also qualify for a substantial portion of any pension he may have earned.  And you will most likely be eligible for 50/50 of any savings, retirement accounts (IRAs or 401ks), home equity and so forth.  Also temporary alimony is also possible.  You do not necessarily have to file a fault divorce to achieve such things, particularly if he is feeling guilty/remorseful or wishes to keep his private business out of the public record.  I would recommend you go take advantage of those free half hour consultations with a few lawyers and really see what might be possible.  I would hate to see you remain in a toxic situation for any length of time.  Finding a better job is of course a good thing to do as well.  Be sure to make copies of the online things you found in case they "disappear" ... they are leverage you might need and proof for anyone who doubts you.  And I assume this doesn't need saying and is also rather personal, so I apologize in advance, but be sure not to have sex with him as it indicates forgiveness of any affair on the part of the justice system.  It is not clear from your post if he has actually cheated or is just "looking" at this point.  You also should go ahead and get tested for STDs (which made me feel really angry and violated) because you may not know everything that he has been up to ... in fact, I am almost sure you do not.  I am so sorry ... it really sucks. 

JJ, it is not stupid to trust the one you love.  But I know how you feel.  Be angry at him, not yourself.  So sorry ... he sounds awful.