Thanks for posting Wondering. In reply:

1. My husband always said he fantasied about me being with other men.. to today he will still said it. I find it weird being gay you wouldn’t have that.

I've exchanged posts with other straight wives about this very subject. (I did a quick check of my previous posts but couldn't find the links unfortunately.) Please note that I am not a mental health professional nor a sex therapist, so what I'm about to share is purely my opinion. I reckon "cuckold" or cheating fantasies are fairly common among gay-in-denial (GID) husbands because they serve two purposes. First, infidelity gives a cheating GID husband some degree of comfort that both he and his wife are cheating which indirectly lessens his guilt about sleeping with men. It's a sort of, "Well we're both doing it." Second, I think the GID who suggests a threeway or encourages his wife to sleep around is often imagining himself having sex with other men. So his wife serves as a kind of puppet or avatar of sorts because she's doing what he truly wants to do, namely having sex with men. Again these are just my opinions so I'd encourage you to contact an experienced therapist or sex therapist, perhaps by contacting the nearest LGBT centre in your city or state. 

2. Do most gay men have this fantasy? What do you think it’s about.

Please see the above answers. I further believe that a GID husband suggests his wife cheat on him, participate in threeways (with another man), or peg him (when a wife uses a strap-on to penetrate her husband anally) as a kind of anchor to his heterosexual identity. Let me explain that because it's a bit confusing. I married a woman, knowing full-well that I was gay. In fact, I've known that I was gay since around age 5 or 6. But it took me another 35-40 years to fuly accept it. So I have always been gay sexually and yet I was emotionally straight because I wanted a wife and kids. This is why I dated, married, and had kids with a woman. Turning now to your questions, I think GID men try to have their wives act out their own male-on-male sex fantasies in an attempt to maintain a straight identity. For example, having your wife peg you with a strap-on dildo is exactly like gay sex, however, the GID husband can still convince himself he's straight because he's having anal sex with a woman. Is this f*cked up? Yes absolutely. Similarly, if a GID husband has a three-way with his wife and another man, I reckon she acts like a kind of emotional anchor to his straight identity. Sadly, the straight wife who finds herself in a three-way with her GID husband and another man is often horrified to witness how much her husband revels in male-on-male sex; clearly enjoying gay sex more than the sex he has with her.  

​If any members reading this have experience with "cuckold" or three-way fantasies with GID husbands, please let me know if you agree or disagree. While I cheated, I never did any of this with my (then) wife so I'm just expressing my opinion, rather than sharing my personal experience. I hope that helps Wondering. If not, please feel free to write again. Be well!   

Last edited by Sean (June 8, 2018 1:47 am)

Sean and wondering, my GIDH also told me he fantasied about me having sex with another man, plus he suggested I could use a strap on. Then later on, he denied ever saying that. My husband is 65 years old and I just recently discovered TGT.  His therapist recently tried to convince me that he "just has a fetish" regarding self stimulation with anal dildos and that he is Not gay. My husband had requested I meet with his therapist and signed a release. I basically told her, my husband is Gay, and I believe my GIDH lies to himself , lies to me and lies to her, and also he is probably very selective in what he shares with her. So then I told her all about my "evidence", Hepititas diagnosis, admitted to one male sexual encounter, no sex with wife for 10 years and when he attempted to have sexual intercourse on 4 occasions during the past 10 years could not get erection and blamed it on ED, Found a Craigslist note responding to another male who was on the DL. It was obvious she was clueless, told me she intended to confront him regarding my info. I told her, "Good Luck." So now, my husband recently told me he is no longer going back to therapy because there is nothing more to talk about. 

I no longer question, that my H is gay. And I no longer need him to admit to me , he is gay, because it is never  never going to happen. I just have to figure out, where I go from here.......I am separated.......still loves him, but I doubt I can return to this "marriage," I want him to see me as a sexual being, I want my H to desire me as a woman.......and that is never going to happen.

Good day friends. I've been posting for the better part of 18 months and have learned so much from my exchanges here. So thank you. While there are certainly exceptions, I'm always struck by how similar gay/straight marriages are to my own former marriage. I've just read some recent posts from new members and was struck by how similarly gay-in-denial husbands act. Case in point:

1. Before marriage: He doesn't seem that interested in sex but there is a very strong emotional connection.

2. Wedding night: Often another disappointment because what was supposed to be a torrid night of lovemaking, often ends with a dry (and very friend-like) kiss. She is disappointed and disillusioned from the get go.  

3. Early Marriage: The couple has quick and prim sex, but the frequency starts to wane often from once a week to once a month. He has trouble maintaining erections. He often claims fatigue or some other excuse for these performance issues.

4. First Discovery: He gets caught with gay pornography, questionable texts, racy underwear, or sex toys.

5. Mid-Marriage: Kids arrive and the couple has sex even less, but remain very close emotionally. They are often good co-parents, although he can often seem self-involved, angry, or self-absorbed. 

6. Second Discovery: Wife discovers irrefutable proof that her husband has had sex with at least one man. He panics and says it happened "just once" or "I was curious" often claiming childhood sexual abuse or porn caused him to "act out." The couple doubles down on saving the relationship through couples' counselling or a short-lived "honeymoon phase." This period is often when straight spouses first start posting here. 

7. Narc Hell: In the face of mountains of evidence her husband is having sex with men, the straight spouse is no longer willing to passively continue acting like his "cover" or "beard." Put bluntly, she's done with being his platonic friend. Realizing she's been lied to, manipulated, and emotionally abused for years (if not decades), she gets angry and rightfully starts to challenge her husband...often for the first time. Like all bullies, he hates it. His mask finally falls and this exposes him for the toxic narcissist he's been since the beginning of the relationship. The more she protests, the harder he has to bully, manipulate, and emotionally abuse her to get her back into his closet. This is often a time when he denies he's gay, but rather "bi", "curious" or some other lame excuse. She just isn't buying it and only wants to the truth. 

8. Final Chapter: He inevitably asks to open up the marriage, which means he can remain married to a woman while having sex with men. The relationship is at a crossroads: continue living in denial (which truly means a sexless, abusive, and one-sided relationship); soldier on "for the kids" in a mixed orientation marriage; or she finally says "f*ck this" and "f*ck you" by deciding to separate/divorce.

For those wives who are struggling with that period after discovering your husband's gay identity, which can mean either discovering gay porn or proof that he's been having sex with men, I think it's common for him to deny that he's gay. After all, most gay-in-denial husbands have been actively (and successfully) denying they are homosexuals since around age 5 or 6. Straight spouses rarely get an honest answer, namely "I'm gay", from husbands who have spent decades in the closet. But there are some telltale signs that your husband is having sex with men. These are: 

1. Your intuition: If you are reading this post, you already suspect your husband is gay. That's probably why you did a Google search, found this forum, read the posts, and started posting yourself. Never discount your own intuition/instincts. A wife knows when something is wrong. And I think women in general can just tell when a man is hetero or homosexual. I reckon that women who marry gay-in-denial men often mistake friendship and an emotional connection for sexual attraction. Most first posts I've read here start with something like, "We haven't had sex in 10 years but he's my best friend and soulmate."   

2. Traveling for Work:  If your gay-in-denial husband is like I was, his job will often take him on the road which will allow him the perfect cover to discreetly explore his gay side. I had my first gay sexual experience on a business trip. 

3. Fascinated by all things gay: This may mean a gay best friend, befriending gay couples, or gay tv habits (shows with hunky men, gay plotlines, or an outright gay cast). My (then) wife often remarked that I'd pay particular attention to handsome/muscular men on television, saying how much they reminded me of different friends. I was lustily watching these men with my wife right next to me.    

4. Change in appearance: ​The gay community is very body conscious so appearance is (sadly) everything. Some telltale signs your husband is having sex with men would be a sudden and almost obsessive interest in his appearance. If he's gone from dad bod to fabulous, that's a big red flag. This often means weight training, a new haircut, new wardrobe, and racy underwear. He's getting into shape because he needs an attractive body to hook up with other men.    

5. Gay online identity:  Web histories, online chats, photos, comments, and Facebook rarely lie. I am part of a FB group for gay men who are either still married to women, are in the process of coming out, or have just come out to their wives/families. I am always shocked at just how blatantly gay some of these "straight" husband's profiles are and how incredibly gay many of them look. This includes: a majority of gay men or couples as friends; posts/comments on LGBTQ-related content; and liking gay icons, movies, or TV shows.

6. Gay porn/profiles: Porn histories also don't lie. If a man is married to a woman and yet watches almost exclusively gay porn, the he's as gay as a rainbow. And if he's gone so far as to create a profile, share racy photos, and exchange messages with men looking for sex with other men, then there should be very little doubt as to his true sexual orientation. If you've found Grindr, Scruff, Hornet or other hookup apps on his phone, these confirm that your husband has an active gay sex life. 

7. Gay Sex Habits: If in addition to all of the above, your husband's sex habits include dildos, you pegging (or penetrating him), or pushing you to have threesomes or sex with other men, then these too are also signs he might be gay-in-denial. Yes he's technically still having sex with a woman, but the wife is getting almost nothing out of it and the actual sex is almost exclusively male-on-male on a mechanical level (namely anal stimulation).  

So what do you think? The above is far from an exhaustive list so I'd appreciate your comments/input. I hope that helps. Be well!  

Last edited by Sean (June 17, 2018 12:05 pm)

Thanks Lily. Questions:

1. How long have you two been divorced? 

2. Is he now out of the closet, remarried, man/woman? 

Sorry if you've answered these questions before but I can't remember. Be well! 

it's over 4 years now.

He is in the closet, he poked his nose out for two weeks - he told me he was bisexual, that meant he was special, it meant he had a choice, and it was none of my business.  and when I kept on saying whatever it was bisexual wasn't straight and he should have told me he changed his mind, told me he was 100% straight and I would be considered deranged if I thought different.

That is not an idle threat.  It is amazing the way people believe him and think he is such a nice man.  It is an enduring relief to be divorced.

He loves his closet, maintaining his closet is his prime motivation - when I said he poked his nose out, not really, he was simply attempting to maintain it by retaining the marriage.  

He hated me for the financial hit of divorce but that's nothing to how he responded when I spoke openly about him being gay after we had separated.  He likes to charm any women who are friends or associates with me and then turn them against me.  Highly successful at it, the fact that it is to their detriment too is a bonus for him, he doesn't actually like them.

I have finally realised how he has been playing these sorts of games all along and no wonder I was hurting so much and it's all him.  I've stopped blaming myself for feeling bad.  It doesn't matter what you do, if someone wants to hurt you it hurts.

hugs everyone who is hurting.  wishing you all the best.