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1 of 1- confused
- Unregistered
wtf
Mutual jo? craigslist account my husband has been seeking out a Jack off buddy on cl?I found no proof he met anyone but did find e mails communicating with men but he would always say he couldn't meet in the e mails?Anyone have this experience? Advice please
- Kel
- Member
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Re: wtf
Hi Confused,
Sorry you need to be here. 
If he never actually met these men, you have to wonder if it was because he was just toying around, or because his life (a.k.a. you) got in the way somehow. Either way, he is actively seeking out sexual experiences with others - outside your marriage. Compounding that is that the experience he's seeking is with men. Please don't let the second factor detract from the first. Oftentimes the gay thing throws us into a loop, and we wind up using all our energy trying to unravel what this means for their sexuality and our marriage, but we take our eyes off of the fact that if they'd done this with someone of the opposite sex, we'd have no problem confronting them and throwing a hissy fit. Having confused sexual feelings doesn't give a married individual the right to go out and explore those feelings (via cheating).
The good news is that you may have caught the problem before it culminated in anything. The bad news is that whether the cheating happened or not doesn't detract from the fact that he's experiencing same sex attraction. From what we've seen here, those feelings don't just evaporate when they're found out. They just become more covert in covering their tracks. The urge seems to get stronger as they age - and they will scratch that itch.
He WILL give you an excuse. It'll be something like, "I was just curious", or "It was just a fantasy - I didn't actually have any intention of DOING it!". Please know that these excuses are just that - excuses. They are not reasons. They are just to throw you off the track. He will likely give you an excuse and then do one of a few things afterward: 1) act like it never happened - act as though you finding out about this will now put the issue to bed. 2) Get angry that you violated his privacy - all electronics will go on lockdown. 3) Tell you that you mean the world to him, he's NOT gay, and that he loves you and didn't do it because he just couldn't hurt you that way. This option may be followed up by lots of "love bombing", or it may wane very quickly.
It's worth asking if you've experienced other telltale signs of him being gay. Do you have sex infrequently, and usually initiated by you? Does sex seem perfunctory - devoid of emotion and passion? Does he not seem interested in intimacy overall with you (hand holding, cuddling, etc.)? Does he go missing for length of times, or travel a lot without you?
I'm sorry you're going through this. We all know how confusing this time can be.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Dixie
- Member
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Re: wtf
First of all, I am really sorry. Finding out that your partner is seeking sexual gratification outside the marriage is shocking and hurtful. Even if he hasn't actually followed through yet, it is still a betrayal of trust and fidelity in my book. And he will follow through, assuming he hasn't already. Seeking a same sex partner will make cheating on you even easier, sadly, because it is so much harder to detect. Unless you plan to never let him get together with a guy friend ever again, which is not practical. The bottom line is that you now know that he is not trustworthy and even your best case scenario leaves you being the marriage police for as long as you remain with this person. No matter how sincere and heartfelt anything he tells you ... if he can secretly go behind your back once, he can do so again. Maybe not right away, but eventually. And as Kel points out, quashing his interest in same sex activity is even harder for him to permanently put aside. I read somewhere, possibly on this site, that to control that interest/urge is like holding a beach ball under water ... it can be done but requires constant, steady effort and most people just cannot suppress something so innate about themselves indefinitely. Especially as they approach middle age and feel their opportunities slipping away.
This might sound dishonest to you, but my advice would be to say nothing and monitor the situation. If you tell him what you have discovered, he will most likely just take it underground and lie to you as Kel suggests. Right now, you have the ability to see for yourself what he is actually up to and you will then be able to use that true information to decide what you wish to do about it. And having documentary proof is extremely important in a fault divorce state, so as distasteful as it may seem, make copies including of what you have already found. This also buys you time to really work through what your boundaries are and whether his actions are acceptable to you. I encourage you to view them as completely unacceptable ... you deserve honesty and fidelity ... full stop.
- JJ1966
- Unregistered
Re: wtf
I doubt I can help much and I am sorry you are in such pain. I am in the same spot......just asking the "why?" question is so hurtful. I found emails and ....pictures. So while he couldn't deny it. I did get the "I was only curious" story. Until I pointed out that the emails where dated all the way back to before we married. It's a long ugly story, I am just trying to put the pieces of myself back together. hope to hear from you