Sean I read your latest very early this morning and have been busy all day with family celebrations, but I, too, found your "most spouses knew on some level that something was wrong with the marriage" also perilously close to blame shifting onto the straight spouse, as if s/he was the one who was to blame for not figuring out exactly WHAT the problem was.  Yes, we all knew something was wrong, but we had NO CLUE as to the SPECIFICS of it.  Maybe your wife "suspected" you were gay.  Well, I never suspected my husband of wanting to become a woman.  There was NOTHING to tell me that the person I took to be a feminist ally because he eschewed toxic masculinity really wanted to wear my knickers to scratch his sexual itch!  And I would venture to say that MOST if not ALL of us here never suspected our partners' "alternative" sexuality until it was brought to our attention, either by discovery or disclosure.  What we knew was that something was OFF in our marriages, and operating from our vows, our belief that we were in a partnership, that we owed our partners our loyalty and help, our conditioning, whether gendered or family, we tried everything we knew of to fix what we DID NOT KNOW couldn't be fixed.  We didn't "deny there was something fundamentally wrong"; we just thought it could, as marital problems can and should, be addressed.  And our PARTNERS--YOU included--KEPT FROM US the real source of the problem.  If the obligation and responsibility for instigating a divorce rests with anyone, it rest with the person who KNOWS the SOURCE of the PROBLEM and KNOWS it CANNOT be fixed. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 2, 2018 4:12 pm)

Good morning friends. Thank you everyone for posting. I'm sorry if I triggered you all by blame shifting, which wasn't my intention, but I do see your points. My apologies. Be well!  

I am of the opinion that Sean is one of the most valuable posters on here.  He works extremely hard here continually answering questions upon questions and putting hours and hours of work into this forum for a reason and that is to HELP US!   In the beginning while we're all in shock, he is there for us.  He timely answers each post and reaffirms all of our suspicions and it comes right out of the dogs's mouth.  It couldn't  get any more clearer than that.  The knowledge and experience that he's shared with us here is a rare insight into the truth of what really is going on in spouse's minds.  Where else would you even find that?      I want to thank you Sean for all the help you've given me.  Without your straight answers I'd still be somewhat in the dark and forever questioning.nn

We all understand that the presence of a gay man who was formerly married to a str8 woman can be a trigger for our members.   I completely understand this.  I won't defend what he did in his past and the damage he did to his ex-wife.. and honestly neither does he.   But I will say that I believe he has been a big help to this forum. 

Sean is under a very high level of scrutiny for everything he says here, so it is inevitable that he will occasionally say something that offends someone.  To help reduce the chances of him offending anyone he has agreed to post only in this thread and by doing so, it is the choice of everyone else of the forum to decide if they want to read and participate.   If you are bothered by his presence or you don't like what he has to say I would encourage you to ignore this thread. 

I think anyone who reads this thread (108 pages and counting) can see that he has been extremely helpful to a ton of members in their quest to understand their spouse or ex-spouse and their actions.  But nobody is perfect and he is always quick to acknowledge and apologize for offending anyone.  

Let's move forward and continue the effort of helping and healing.  

Thanks everyone for sharing. I'd just written a long and detailed reply to all of your posts which was then suddenly lost. The internet Gods clearly didn't want me to write a rebuttal! But I digress.

Again, I apologize if my recent posts or comments have upset you. That wasn't my intention although I can see by reading your comments that it was the result. So I'm very sorry. The point I was trying to make in my last post was as follows: the common emotion between my (closeted) self and my (then) wife was fear. I denied my sexuality because I feared being out, divorcing, and breaking up my family. My wife recently told me that for years she suspected I was gay but never confronted me out of fear that if I were truly gay, it would inevitably lead to divorce and the break up our family. In my marriage, I was living in a closet and slowly but methodically pulled my (then) wife inside with me. I am, and was always, to blame for ending my relationship. I reckon on this matter we all agree.

So what's my point? When straight spouses first start posting here, they've often discovered undeniable evidence their husbands are having sex with other men. This cracks the closet door open a little bit. The gay-in-denial (GID) husband then uses every narcissistic trick possible to close the door once again. He diverts attention away from his undeniable homosexuality. And he's having sex with other men because he's gay, was born gay, and always will be gay. Rather than admit he's gay, he continues his spin, may blame porn, childhood sex abuse, or (sadly) he may even blame his wife. The fact remains he has no interest in sex with women, including his wife,  because he's gay. After discovery of his gay life, the couple may eventually reconcile and go through a short-term "honeymoon phase" with lots of sex (or attempted sex) after years of sexless cohabitation. It's often short-lived. Sadly the husband's cheating, Craigslist/Grindr trolling, and gay porn all inevitably come back. My point is as follows: a GID husband acts gay for the simple reason that he is gay. When a straight spouse starts posting here, I reckon she's started the long and painful journey of getting out of her husband's dark closet. These were the points I was trying to make...but clearly failed. 

With regards to me using some offensive language in recent posts. I'm happy to explain why. Depending on how much a straight spouse shares with me here, I try my best to follow her lead. Some straight wives want to slowly and carefully open the closet door, so I take it very slowly. Other straight wives clearly want to kick that f*cking closet door down...and then stomp on it. Then my approach is more: have at it! This is what I did in some recent posts. I apologize if my door-kicking use of the words f*g and f*ggot were triggers. I'll be more mindful in future posts.

My original reason for being here isn't to blame my ex-wife, although sometimes I slip because a lifetime of gay-in-denial narcissism clearly doesn't resolve itself overnight. Going forward, I'll try to stick to the facts while focusing on some simple truths. And those truths are: straight men don't watch gay porn, straight men don't have sex with other men, good husbands don't emotionally abuse their wives, and good husbands enjoy intimacy with their wives.  

Again, please accept my apologies for blame shifting. I hope I'm getting back on track with this most recent post. But please let me know if you disagree. That's what this forum is for. Thanks for reading friends. ​If any straight spouses have questions, please feel free to post them here and I'll answer as best I can. Be well!

Last edited by Sean (June 5, 2018 4:22 pm)