Thank you Lena for writing to me, I really appreciate it. I'm trying to be patient with myself, it's difficult as I don't normally allow myself to get swallowed up by emotion. Lots of years of living in dysfunction, from birth to today. But this situation did finally drive me to a therapist so that's good.yeah, I was told by him because I didn't like him going down on me that's why he needed to resort to porn and because I got stressed out sometimes. Never mind the fact that I was stressed because he never helped me with anything. But yes, my fault, I relate.wow, yeah your ex's definition of friend is much different from mine. It's amazing the stories they tell and seem to believe themselves. I'm looking forward to the divorce, I have been obsessed with looking at houses out of state, I want to run away so badly but I'm afraid that won't solve anything. I'm so sorry for your struggle and I'm here if you need to chat. Thank you for the hugs, right back at you 🤗

Lena wrote:

JustWokeUp,

It will get better.First 6 months I was like a robot barely fullfilling my job at work. With kids was different (they are very young- I had to be strong for them), they gave me strenght and being around them helped me a lot.
Eventually, I opened more to people and told my story to the closest one. It helped me a lot. It took my shame off my shoulders. I finally understood none of this was my fault. I was used in the worst possible way.
Of course like most of us here, I heard that it was my fault, I was too cold, then that I gave him too much freedom, that he is not gay, then that maybe he is bi, then he is none of these, that he was just looking for a friend ( all gay and with all those friends he needed to have sex, lol, what type of friendship definition in his dictionary he has?!). Finally, when I put a stop sign and requesed a divorce, he is finally not denying it.
I have been in divorcing process for some time. Cannot wait for the final. I want that peace, although I know it won't be easy. We have young kids.
I too like you, was very protective of him and diminishing his false, but his game, tricks and actions finally opened my eyes.
Think of yourself First. Most of those gay spouses are very manipulative and tend to make victims of themselves and they do not take responsibility for the burden they have created and dumped on us.
You may not fall in love that easy anymore, but as OutOfHisCloset mentioned, this process make us stronger, wiser and patient. Time heals as well.
E-hugs to you.

Thank you! I appreciate your wisdom through this process. The affirmation I've been receiving on muttled mind has been life saving. Thank you, Thank you 🤗

"downlowdick"?   Pathetic.  Doesn't even have an imagination.  And he probably thinks he's so clever.  I know, the least of what you write about, but it just struck me, the way their lives are so compartmentalized, their psyches so unintegrated/fragmented.