I am much too new to this experience to offer helpful guidance ... rather I look forward to the responses of the seasoned survivors.

From my limited perspective of 3 months out from learning my 30 year marriage was a complete fraud, the most significant kindness I showed myself was asking him to leave immediately.  I gave myself the freedom from his smug presence and endless selfish gaslighting so that I could begin to grieve with privacy and emotional space.  I could not begin the path to recovery with him there and having given him 30 years of my life, he didnt deserve even one more day.

At this point, my other efforts at being kind to myself incude the basics of nutritious food, daily fresh air and sunshine, daily walks, and reaching out for support from friends, family and online communities.  I have tried not to dwell on the frustration I have with myself over not seeing the obvious truth sooner ... I have forgiven myself on that score, although not immediately.

I look forward to the more in depth responses of others.

For me, it was more about getting clear on the concept that I couldn't take care of my ex's best interests and mine at the same time.  I think a lot of us are already very giving, long-suffering people, and that makes it difficult for us to see that to take care of ourselves properly, we don't need to worry about our ex.  THEY have not worried about us in most cases.  To this day I have not taken advantage of my ex, monetarily or otherwise.  But for a long time, I was trying to take care of us both in the same way that I'd always done, and he was sure letting me.  I let him get away with not paying for child support (even though I couldn't afford that) because he "didn't have the money".  But I kept letting him get away with it (even though it was making me angry), because I knew that he'd always had job issues, and I felt like there was no trying to get blood out of turnip.  So just like I'd done for a decade and a half, I was accepting his meager attempt at satisfying his obligations.  Because I had become used to that and just wanted peace.  I also felt that if I wasn't the typical ex wife that we've all heard horror stories about, people would think better of me.  AND I felt that if I was good to my ex, he'd feel obligated to be good to me.  NONE of those things were true in the end.

My current husband told me I was thinking about it all wrong.  That the non residential parent is ORDERED to pay support - it's not a choice.  That my ex had nothing preventing him from getting a second job to pull in more money if he couldn't make his support payments (let me be clear and say that his support was/is $610/month for THREE kids.  I live in Chicago.  That's barely grocery money here).  Once I realized that if something didn't change monetarily around our own home, my current husband - who was still paying his ex support on his own child - was going to have to go out and get a second job to make up for what my ex wouldn't do.  THAT didn't seem fair at ALL.  WHY was I accepting that my ex COULDN'T do it, vs. WOULDN'T???  My current husband also said that it's not me vs. my ex with regards to money.  It was my KIDS' money - and I should fight for my kids.  Well, that did it!  I took my ex to court, who was promptly told by the judge that it wasn't ME who had ordered him to pay support - it was the court.  He was violating a court order, and the next time he did it, they'd throw him in jail.  Scared the sh*t out of him.  Hasn't missed a payment in two years now.

So for me, it wasn't about being "kind" to myself as much as seeing that if I wasn't going to stand up for myself, then no one was.  My ex would stand up for himself - not for me or the kids.  So I needed to do it.  My current husband would support me in my decisions, but wasn't going to do it for me.  I needed to grow a backbone or it wouldn't count.  And so I did.  I also did other things like making sure that my ex was on all the school mailing lists and email notifications - so that I never needed to communicate anything to him other than something that cropped up spontaneously.  I'm not his f'ing secretary.  He used to tell him stuff in-person and he'd say, "Just send me a text with the details". I'm standing RIGHT.HERE, telling you to your face what I had to go research to find out, and you want me to wrap it all up so you don't have to be bothered with taking the information down yourself?  Fuck THAT!!!  No.  I don't need to set myself on fire to keep you warm.  Be a man, grow a set and act like a f'ing adult.

And while we're at it, I don't pick up the phone when he's calling unless I think it's important or unless I feel like having a conversation with him.  He can leave a message.  I text him back with a short answer: "That's fine - thanks".  Or I call him if I need to.  But no, he's not my husband anymore - I don't pick up whenever you call.  I'm  too busy getting laid all the time now.  (Hah!!!!)

So for me, it was about giving myself permission to be on my own side.  Not in a mean way, but in an insistant, champion of my own destiny kind of way.  I don't tell him not to fuck with me.  I SHOW him.  If you have to shout from the mountain tops that you're a badass, then you ain't badass, man.  Be firmly on your own side, refuse to be screwed over, and stand proud in knowing that you WILL do what it takes to get what you need.  Channel Scarlett O'Hara!

Kel

P.S. - I never had to forgive myself for being duped on the gay thing.  HE lied, he fooled me, and he was good at it.  None of that's got much to do with me - the person who believed in and trusted him because he was my life mate.  I would have been a bad wife if I HADN'T acted like that.  So he gets an Oscar for his acting, and I get a gold medal for making 16 years of marriage to a gay man work.  I've already done my hardest thing - my regular marriage seems easy as pie compared to all that horseshit that came before it!  I'm on Easy Street now, baby! 

Last edited by Kel (August 19, 2016 12:11 pm)