Thank you for writing Violated although I'm very sorry that you've found yourself here. Please note when reading my replies that I am not a mental health professional. I'm simply providing my opinion. So in reply: 

1. Sean, I finally took the first step and separated. I just discovered TGT (gay porn, anal dildos, no sex with me for years, he admitted to one sexual encounter with a man 10 years ago)  after 40 years of marriage. After I confronted him, he told me he was "bicurious" then "bisexual" and then he later denied telling me even that.

​This sounds very familiar: suspicion; detective work; discovery; confrontation; and minimization ('it happened once years ago and was meaningless and I'm bisexual'). Now that I've been posting here for over a year, clearly there seems to be a pattern to this process.   

2.  Every conversation we had he changed his story and rationalized his behavior. Finally, I called him on an overnight business trip, (because I could of never done it in person), I decided to trick him into believing I could be more open about our marriage if he needed to satisfy his sexual needs. Well, he took the bait, and told me he would like to hookup with a businessman maybe in his 50's one a month, I asked him why not a younger guy and he told me a younger guy would not be "turned on" by his age but would be a "turn on" for him.  He said he may be able to post on line, so then I found his post where he responded to an add on CL to a man on the "DL", But my husband's note to him stated," Married, Professional man, good looking,  looking for someone in the same position for safe, discreet play. Limited experience here, just want to occasionally explore this area of interest" He even sent a picture of himself.

​That's a brilliant strategy. Changing his story was just testing you, probing really, as narcissists do. You caught him "pink handed" so to speak with an ingenious trap. Whether a straight spouse realizes it or not, once the rainbow cat is out of the bag, her husband is inevitably going to move towards opening up the marriage. Put bluntly, he wants to have sex with men and still maintain a 'straight' identity which means remaining safely married. 

3. When I came home, my H told me he was not going to pursue hooking up on line, that he was "too old." I then slammed him, told him there was NO Way I would ever agree to that , he then claimed he was "just fantasy" and "we were just talking in the hypothetical."

Check mate my friend. Again brilliant strategy on your part. 

​4. My husband is now in counseling. But I have difficulty understanding how he can be 65 years of age and still questioning his sexuality? His counselor told him he suffers with "repressed homophobia", but I feel he is a "repressed homosexual."

We can question our sexuality at any age my friend. I find that most of my 40+ year old friends still struggle with their own homosexuality on some level because we grew up in a very homophobic society. Hell my own boyfriend only reluctantly came out two years ago and that was with friends, family, and his boyfriend (me) all supporting him while living in a country that has legalized same-sex marriage. Imagine growing up in a place and time where you could go to jail for being gay. Only recently is being gay now seen as being something normal, healthy, and even positive. A gay-in-denial husband in his 60s was programmed to fear, deny, and supress being gay. That's why gay men marry even though most were aware of their true sexuality around age 5 or 6. The message for people growing up in the 60s and 70s was that being gay was a sin, disgusting, and in some cases illegal. He's questioning his sexuality because he's built his entire life on one foundation: pretending to be a straight man. 

5. He claims only one sexual encounter with a man 10 years ago, (and I kinda of believe him because of his post on CL stating "limited experience here." He claims his sexual activity has involved gay porn and self stimulation with anal dildos. But he has not engaged with any sex with me for 10 years. He claimed he had ED and I believed him. He would get very frustrated when he could not get an erection with me. When he did have sex with me it was more like he was "servicing me." Like oral sex but incapable of intercourse. No kissing. No intimacy.

​Read my previous posts as I debunk the "it happened once" myth. Normally the gay-in-denial husband stops having sex with his wife when he's having regular sex with men. Once he's acted on his true sexuality, which I reckon happened about 10 years ago in your relationship, he simply cannot pretend anymore. With regards to his excuses, you can't believe a man who has lied for the better part of 60+ years about his sexuality. Moreover, he likely posted that CL message with you in mind, meaning he knew you'd probably read it. Some cues that he's f*cking men on a regular basis: physical evidence such as condoms, lube and sexy underwear. He likely has viagra or some other ED medication hidden around. He travels a lot for work. A lot of men his age have a best friend who is more like a husband, often someone who travels with him regularly. It's normally someone who rarely has contact with the wife and when there is contact, he's almost hostile towards her because she's "keeping them apart." His phone may have gay hook up applications such as Grindr, Scruff, or others. My rule is that a husband gets caught once, then immediately minimizes to save the marriage. But he has often done much more. He's probably lying about it because he still wants to remain safely in his marriage, which truly means he wants to retreat back into his closet because he's lived there his whole life. 

​6. Do you feel he is a repressed homosexual? How can he be 65 years old and still this confused? He has been a great Dad and really performed the role of a great husband very well. Six months ago, my life was perfect and now this. I have never known such betrayal, dishonesty. I praying this separation gives me some answers. Thank you so much for your response. I so much appreciate your help.

Does it really make any difference? Tomato / tomaaato really. Here is the situation: you and your husband no longer have sex, he's lied to you, and has admitted to cheating on you. Following your offer to open your marriage, brilliant by the way, he also very clearly wanted to have sex with men on a regular basis. I don't think a clinical diagnosis is necessary: your husband is gay and married a woman to conform. He started exploring his true sexuality, got caught, and now you both realize there is no going back. I think you've done the right thing to separate to gain some clarity and perhaps some breathing space my friend. It's a journey but you're clearly a strong and intelligent woman. You can't assist with his coming out process. He has to deal with his true sexuality and the consequences by himself. Any contact you have will simply put you back in the gay/straight narcissist/empath roles you've played your whole lives. It's very common for the straight spouse to want to help her gay-in-denial husband but the most helpful thing she can do is stay away from him while helping herself.   

​So I'd recommend you spend this time apart to focus on you and that means: posting here; getting professional help for yourself (NOT couples counselling); and sharing your story with close friends & family. Right now he's drowning and if you're in the pond with him, he'll just drag you both down to the bottom. The gay-in-denial husband has to sink or swim, without his wife. So it's time to detach with love my friend. 

I hope I've answered your questions. If not, please feel free to post again. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (May 15, 2018 8:07 am)

Thank you for posting Violated. What you've shared sounds a lot like narcissistic gaslighting (click here for more information). I've written a lot about gay-in-denial (GID) narcissism in previous posts as I believe living in the closet and narcissistic personality disorder go hand in hand. Similarly, I think most GID husbands choose very kind and caring partners who may be considered empaths or perhaps even co-dependents. I know that I was a black-belt toxic narcissist while in the closet and also during the dying days of my own marriage. Thanks again for sharing friend and please don't forget to take this time apart to focus on yourself. That might mean therapy, counselling, or reaching out to the SSN for info about meetings and contacts in your area. You are not alone. 

Thank you for writing Justwokeup, although I'm very sorry you've found yourself here. I believe this is the first time that I've responded to a member who has already split from his/her partner - new territory for me. While I'm going to try to provide an opinion, please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional. So here goes: 

1. We are in our early 40's, married, been together for 6 years. Relationship has had challenges throughout. I now know through my recent studies, therapy and his own admission, these challenges can be easily attributed to narcissistic behavior disorder. Our biggest hurdle was living under the same roof. Of the 6 years, only a year and a half we lived together. His prior relationship was 13 years, never married, and a year and a half living together. There were intermittent problems in the bedroom with performance and lack of interest on his part.

Got it. 

2. Explained away with me stressing him out and possibly old age. his disposition is generally unhappy. There were good parts, we talked a lot about everything, he genuinely made me feel loved. Even though we didn't live together, we were in constant communication. he liked doing things, going places, partying and just hanging out with me. He could be very loving and then on the other hand, so unthoughtful.

I believe this kind of hot/cold relationship is common between narcissists and empaths. 

3. He did not have that desire to take care of his wife. When he saw me struggling with heavy items or overly stressed, he never wanted to help me. Even when we lived together, he kept things VERY segregated, money, chores, food, EVERYTHING. There was no OURS.

Understood. 

4. Throughout our time together, I always felt like there was a secret but couldn't put my finger on it. 3 months ago I found two emails from him to transvestites on Craigslist soliciting sex, attached were pictures of him displaying his body but it was the booty hole pictures that stick with me. The photos and email dates gave me a timeline from beginning to end. He told me he had been doing this since 2003, had his own CL post and separate email account, it was a fluke I found those emails. He denies ever meeting anyone or having any interest in men. He proclaims to be a narcissist and men were more verbal in admiration and they LOOKED like women.

This kind of defense is common, "Nothing happened. I'm only curious." Or "It just happened once." I reckon most gay-in-denial spouses, whether narcissists or not, tend to minimize the behaviour when caught. 

5. My question to you, do you think this could just be narcissistic behavior?

Taking photos of your *sshole and sending them to trannies doesn't necessarily mean you're a narcissist. I reckon it means you want a tranny to do something with your butthole...like put a penis in it. Men who like penises in their anuses are typically gay. So I think the primary issue is that your (former) husband is gay-in-denial. The narcissism is most likely a kind of defense mechanism to bully or charm others into thinking he's straight. 

6. Either way it's over, he moved out in March, but like I said it's the healing process for me.

Good for you. If you haven't already done so, I'd recommend sharing your full story here. Our experiences can help others with their own healing. 

7. In the beginning, his story to me was absurd and I couldn't accept it.

That's because it is. We collect and share stamps, not anus pics. Men share photos of their bodies with other men because they want to have sex with them. 

8. I've been reading this book written by a narcissist and the somatic narcissist will often post sexual photos of himself online. Can you be so narcissistic that it doesn't matter if the attention is from men or women?

I think there is a book to explain away pretty much everything these days. I'm going to write a book entitled, "It never happens 'just once' so I'm lying." Please keep in mind that I'm not a sex therapist so take all of this with a grain of salt. I remember an exchange with a straight spouse who's husband went to gay saunas (sex clubs for men with lots of water). The gay-in-denial husband claimed he never had sex there and was just 60% gay. Ummm no. When you look for sex with men, regardless of whether those men are dressed as women or not, you are not being faithful and loving to your wife. This doesn't make the straight spouse feel loved, appreciated, nor cherished. THAT'S THE ISSUE. I am now convinced that gay men simply can't give straight wives what they want: namely a   strong and loving relationship and great sex. So his narcissism is secondary in my opinion. You very justifiably dumped him because he's was taking pictures of his *sshole and sharing them with other men online. Straight men in love with their wives just don't do that. 

9. Forgive me if you've discussed this in prior posts...I tried to read through everything but realized I was neglecting my job, haha. I hope you are well, thank you for your time. 

No I don't believe I've shared very many posts with women who have already left their gay-in-denial husbands. So I thank you for sharing and hope I've answered your questions. You'll eventually go from trying to understand his behaviour, to perhaps trying to understand why you were attracted to this broken and abusive man. THAT'S where true healing begins in my opinion. 

Thanks again for sharing. Please write again if you have additional questions. Be well! 

Kathyd, before you decide to go to mediation I suggest that you consult an attorney (or solicitor depending on where you live) to find out about the laws where you live and how they affect you. While a desire on his part to keep his sexual proclivities private may be a factor in negotiations the law may not treat it any differently than any other reason for divorcing.

When it comes to your "settlement money" stick to business and keep your emotions in check. Vent with your friends and therapist but not with the court. Know what your marital assets are and what your expenses realistically will be. Be prepared and armed with with knowledge.

I'll leave you with my mantra: "Whatever he is he isn't for me."

Thanks for posting Justwokeup, Abby, and Kathyd. Justworkup: in response to your questions, I reckon most courts don't really care that a spouse cheated (whether with men or women). They see this kind of sh*t day in and day out. In most first-world countries, cheating isn't grounds for divorce. So don't waste your time looking for sympathy from the court system, nor him. BUT if your (soon to be ex) husband is afraid of being outed, which is why we marry women in the first place, that's a very strong bargaining position to get the settlement you want. Many straight spouses have won generous settlements to remain silent. Remember that the most important thing to a gay-in-denial man is staying in the closet. Now in response to Kathy's post: 

1. I'm sorry to bother you with yet another question. 

You're not bothering me at all! Please ask as many questions as you like. 

2. I'm questioning again and with all this talk about this narcissism instead of being gay I'm confused again. 

It's a distraction. If your husband is like I was, he's spent most of his life distracting people from questioning his sexuality so he's very good at it. It starts at around age 5 or 6. You're never going to win an argument with a narcissist (or gay-in-denial narcissist) because he's been training his entire life. From what I understand, narcissists distract and confuse people to win. Debating with a narcissist is like trying to stay focused while on some crazy spinning carnival ride. It's time to put some distance between you and your (soon to be former) husband. This will allow you to focus on the facts, rather than his spin. 

3. My Proof:  2000 - found gay porn pix of men and their penises on computer.   2018 -  CL Ads posted and answered and a "small group" he went to.  Said he had a wife, a girlfriend and plays with men only once or twice a month usually just for blowjobs (a lie, it was more than BJ's because he said he was a Bi-masculine top in one ad and, "Do you bottom with your panties on?" was a question he asked.) 

I think you're right to stick to the facts: starting in 2000 your husband has had some form of gay online identity. And in 2018, he posted messages asking a fellow guy if he liked to be f*cked "with panties on." Sticking to the facts: straight men don't watch gay porn; straight men don't participate in gay chats; and straight men don't f*ck other guys. All of these confirm that he's gay and having sex with men. His explanations are bullsh*t. 

4. Excuses: He went crazy, afraid of getting old, my depression, doesn't desire me anymore although he loves me dearly. Maybe the 2.5 FWB affair with the woman was a narcissus thing.

​Don't forget that you have the ultimate trump card: exposing him for the kinky old f*g he is. I hope you've kept copies of everything for the divorce. Forgive my harsh wording, namely "f*g", but that's the heart of it. He's scared sh*tles you'll expose him then leave him. So don't forget that you're essentially in control so he can flail around all he wants trying to explain away why he likes to f*ck men in panties. You don't have anal sex with other men because you're afraid of getting older. You get a facelift for that. You have anal sex with other men in panties because you're gay and men in panties turn you on. Period. And love isn't emotionally abusing and cheating on your wife. Love is honesty, fidelity, and intimacy. He sounds like a complete d*ck. 

5. He's GID right? 

​Honey he's so gay he should have his own rainbow pride float sponsored by Craigslist. If you doubt whether he's gay, just show his messages to a trusted friend and ask their opinion. 

6. I'm going to a divorce mediator and just want to make sure that he's truly homosexual and not mentally ill.  Although I believe he's both, the fact that he married me knowing he's gay is a big thing when it comes to my settlement money I think.  So I just wanted a second opinion, I know you're not a professional.

I'm no expert but he sounds both gay and mentally ill. BUT don't underestimate him my friend. Narcissists are highly sensitive to changes in relationships so he's likely a few steps ahead of you - meaning he's already preparing for the separation/divorce. If you have proof that he's cheating (and gay), I'd safeguard the information and be prepared to use it in your settlement negotiations. I'd skip the mediator and schedule a consultation with a divorce lawyer - preferably someone who is a complete bad*ss and has experience with gay/straight divorces like this. 

​It's time to detach with love from your toxic husband, protect yourself and your assets, and ensure that you're getting the support you need. This means reaching out to the SSN for contacts or meetings in your area, consulting with a mental health professional, and continuing to post here. 

​I hope that helps! Please feel free to write again. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean (May 31, 2018 9:05 am)