Thanks for sharing friends. Ellexoh wrote: 

1. Wow...I realise this is your opinion/the truth is often painful...but I wish I'd never found SSN....lol

Sorry if that stung my friend. I reckon this forum is largely about straight spouses coming to terms with a harsh reality: gay/straight marriages simply don't work. 

Wondering wrote: 

2. Yeh I don’t mean gay is a phase...He just has this massive his point where I can be like well looks like his finally going to come out and stick to being gay. He will dress nicer, be on gay dating sites and gay porn.. then all of a sudden it’s like he lost interest..starts wearing his work clothes and daggy clothes again, will just concentrate on other hobbies.. I won’t hear a thing about men or being gay... then it comes back up high again and his back off to wanting to meet with men and the porn.  

I'm sorry that you're both suffering. My opinion: straight wives can't be part of the coming out process nor should you have to witness it. This is similar to my own limbo or bargaining phase. It was a time of me carelessly exploring my sexuality while also feeling overwhelming shame because I'd still come home to my wife and kids. I think you should separate as soon as possible. 

3. I am trying to build my walls up high but it’s confusing and weird for me a lot of it because some gay men I know wouldn’t touch a woman if they were the last person on earth and then other gay men will have sex with women and then their wife and then come out gay. Myself I couldn’t even sleep with a women even just for pleasure. 

I can understand why all of this is confusing because you're getting mixed signals. One moment he's on Grindr, then he's playing with the kids and saying how much he loves you. I went through a similar bargaining stage. I thought: maybe I can stay married and have sex with men on the side? If you are still having sex, please get tested for STDs and practice only safe sex. During his "gay adolescence" he'll sleep with a lot of men, it's just part of the coming out process. But he might also try to convince himself he's straight by having sex with you so please practice safe sex with him. 

4. I don’t understand the ups and downs... I get used to him being more gay then it’s like he jumps back int he closest and is back to being manly again. It’s hard to describe.

I reckon the best way for you to protect yourself and your children from these ups and downs, or his "gay adolescence", would be to separate. You'd all be free of his erratic behaviour and emotional abuse. He'll then have the space to come out fully but when he's ready...sink or swim really. Right now you're in the worst position: he's trying to come out but can't because that would mean the end of your marriage. I wouldn't recommend you continue to live together because you're likely just pretending to be married while being the worst example of a relationship to your kids. They'll also start to think it's their fault. Kids are highly in tune with everything going on in the home. It's like second-hand smoke: largely invisible but highly toxic. So I say focus on you and your kids. It's time to detach from him with love and get on with your lives. 

I hope that helps friends. Be well! 

Sean,
 I missed Ellexoh's LOL, and didn't reply in that spirit, so I'm deleting my post.

 I'm doing well, actually.  Moving forward.  TTT (the trans thing) is both like and unlike TGT, and I think the difference sometimes prevented me from seeing the similarities.  What you quoted in your post certainly hit home with me, but of course I didn't know for the 32 years of our marriage what the source of my stbx's self absorbed abstraction was--and if you can believe him (and I sometimes do, sometimes don't) he didn't either, until he asked himself the question "could I be transgendered?", just under three years before he told me what he'd decided/discovered.  I do, however, regret the three years I spent trying to adapt myself to his newfound sexuality (he desires himself as a woman, which does indeed prevent "mutual authentic desire") between his disclosure and my leaving.  
 

Sean, 
 Respectfully, I'm not going to answer those questions, because as I'm no longer his partner, what he does, thinks, or feels is no longer any concern of mine.
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 14, 2018 11:50 am)

Ellexoh I'm always happy when you and others post. So thank you for sharing my friend. I try to be respectful in my replies and if I've written anything whatsoever that hurt or offended you, I sincerely apologize. You've all been through enough and we don't need to compound the pain by going after each other. Please feel free to post any questions you still have for a gay ex-husband. Be well. 

deleted.

Last edited by JenS (January 4, 2019 8:25 am)