Thanj you for ypur post. U are right action  speaks more than words. I now am exhausted we have 1 Girl  shes not even 6 yet . I also have to keep pretending to everybody like this poker face 24/7 ....and then i ...drop with fatigue.. i have seen therapist and am not depressed ....yet but in the edge . What is your story? Xx

Last edited by Zuza _uk (May 8, 2018 3:53 pm)

My husband had this contorted logic, that since his extracurricular activities didn't involve "falling in love" they couldn't have been all that threatening to me.  When I pointed out that I'd never cheated on him, he replied "I never stopped you."  That was an eye-opener to me, because just for starters it overlooked the fact that I would never, ever have done anything to hurt him, and I knew that cheating would have devastated him.  What I thought about later was this whole idea that he was thinking we'd be on equal footing again if I had loveless sex, too.  But it overlooks the fact that I didn't want to have random one-nighters with total strangers, the way he does.  If I'd wanted that, I could have done it when I was single ... but I didn't then, so why would it appeal to me now?  I just kept coming back to that question, what am I supposed to do now, go on "Ashley Madison" and have random sex with the exact same kinds of men I always avoided when I was single?

So in my middle-of-the-night obsessive musings, I wonder if he'd feel quite as confident if I had responded "Great, thanks, good to know!  Just so you know, I'm going to find a man who turns me on, which means I want someone I can really respect, admire and love, and who would never ever in a million years lie to me or lead me on.  Glad to know you're good with that!"

Apparently he and I have vastly different understandings of what it means to love another person.

Can i ask u question ? I am thinking of confronting my Husband ... gently just tell him all information I gathered ...and ask him to admit this ...to himself moslty.  .. Did any of you have done it? Will do it? Thabk you in advance  . Zuza

Zuza: I've posted about this before ... I had a long, long time to think things over before I finally screwed up the courage to say anything to him.  But a couple of pointers: first, I tried to avoid creating an atmosphere of "confrontation."  Maybe a better way to frame it is "reconciliation."  This is because in my marriage, there was so much fighting, lying and defensiveness that I worried a confrontation would really backfire.  

Second, I avoided presenting him with questions, because I knew if he had the chance he would try to lie his way out.  So I made statements.  "You  have been living a double life.  You cannot possibly be happy."  I wouldn't have said "are you gay?" or "are you bi?" since that opened a door for him to lie to me.

When he tried to sound me out about how much I knew, I was completely direct: "You have a long history of only confessing to the stuff you think you've already been caught at.  So I'm not going to tell you how much I know.  I know enough."  I'd give him the same response on "How did you figure this out?" because I didn't want to get sidetracked by what a terrible person I am invading his privacy by blah blah blah.

So I'd say, try to avoid the language of confrontation, and instead present language of reconciliation.  That doesn't mean you've decided to forgive and forget, it means you already know everything and you are considering all of your options, but in the meantime if he wants to come clean, the door is open.