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April 27, 2018 8:56 am  #11


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

{{{Kathy}}} Hugs to you.

I wish you were closer, so that I could be an in person support for you.

This will pass, but you have to do your part. Cut off contact with him. No weekly meetings. No emails. No stalking his social media. Get him out of your life as best you can. 
Talk to someone. If you can't find a therapist or support group, talk to a friend or family member. (Do pick this person carefully though.) It wasn't until I did this that I was able to move ahead. Somehow putting everything into words and speaking it out loud was huge for me. It allowed me to sort through and organize my thoughts and come to new realizations about my relationship. The first person I told didn't tell a soul, and it was so nice to be with her in those days. We could talk about it or not - depending on what I needed. 

Also, change the conversation going on in your head. If you tell yourself that you will always be alone and lonely or that you can't live without him in your life in some way, you will have a much tougher go of it. So, take those thoughts captive as soon as they come up and change them. 

Now, day dream a little. I went through a period recently where it seemed everyone was asking me, "What do you want?" or some version of that. They were all asking about different things. For example, my attorney, my therapist, my STBX all asked, but asked in regards to different things. Anyhow, I was surprised because I could not answer that seemingly simple question. See, (and I'm guessing you are like this too), I had spent the past 25 years "adopting" everyone else's wants. My husband's dreams and desires became my own. I worked hard to try to make my kids' wants a reality. In the process, I had lost touch with my own dreams and desires. I no longer knew what kind of life I wanted to live. "What do you want?" was an impossible question to answer because I had no dreams or desires of my own anymore. In trying to answer that, I am beginning to rediscover who I am, and that has made me more comfortable and happier with myself than I have been in a long time. It also makes me excited about the future because I will be able to have the one I want. I can take any path that lies before me. If, down the road, I decide I don't like it, I can change paths.

And those retirement years is actually a perfect example. My STBX wants to retire to this small beachside community and piddle around. (At least that is what s/he used to want. I have no idea if that is still the plan, and I really don't care.) However, that was never my dream. My dream was to travel. I want to pick a place on a map and live there for a couple of years and discover what that part of the world has to offer, and then  move and start all over again. That is something my spouse would never consider doing, so I had given up on that dream and had come to hope that we could take a nice trip every year or 2. However, since that little beach town is about 3 hours from a major airport, I knew in the back of my heart even that was probably not going to happen. Now, though, it can, and I can start working towards that.

Anyway, I'm sure you probably have dreams you abandoned because they didn't fit in with your husband's dreams. Revisit those. Do you still want that or do you want something else? 

Don't look at starting over as a bad thing. Look at it as an opportunity. A great chance for a do over.

Stay Strong.

 

April 27, 2018 9:04 am  #12


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Kathy,

You deserve more than this...you deserve loyality, truth, love and partnership.

It will hurt for long time, but the sooner you leave him behind, the sooner you will find peace.

His was NOT your friend. He was his own.
I know that you feel like you have some type of a bond together...I felt the same way, all of us felt that way, but that bond was always on their/ those spouses/terms and it was not HONEST. They were never honest with us and they used us.
That urge of having him as a friend in your life will fade.
But keep yourself busy. Read and post here and definitely open up to a friend and family. You are NOT alone.
And talking about it will motivate you to close that chapter of your life.
E-Hugs

Last edited by Lena (April 27, 2018 9:27 am)

 

April 27, 2018 12:01 pm  #13


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to reply with your support.  Reading through all of your knowledge and unfortunate experiences is helping me ALOT!  This is Day 1 of no contact.  I trust in all of my fellow victims advice!  I'm making myself go for drinks with a friend tonight.  I'm nervous and a little panicky about it but I'm going to make myself move out of my isolation.  I can't believe how all of your replies hit home!!!  I'm so glad I found this place and I only wish that you all lived near me!!!  I would give you big hugs.  Reminding myself to breathe.  In out, In out, I think I can do this.  


WTF
     Thread Starter
 

April 27, 2018 12:24 pm  #14


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Awesome update Kathy!!!

Day 1 of moving forward with your life.  I love all of the replies and all of encouragement you have received so far in this thread.  Let's keep it going!

You are on a roller coaster and this first dip was very long and very deep for you.  But as you start to move forward you will find that the tracks lead upward once in a while.  Don't be discouraged by the next dip, just take it in stride and keep looking for the rise after that.  Eventually the dips will be shorter and smoother and then at some point it will just be a gradual path.. One that defies gravity and ends in a much better place than it starts. 

You've got this Kathy.  We're here to help.  Keep sharing and taking part in the conversations.  We'll all move forward together. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

April 27, 2018 12:31 pm  #15


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

It’s good to hear you sound more positive Kathy, the first day of no contact is a great start, and drinks too, excellent! It won’t be easy, none of it but it is all baby steps, sometimes it’s more of a cha-cha-cha but you’ll get there if you carry on this way.

We’re all rooting for you, you deserve a whole lot better, and someday you will feel a tonne better than you do now, I promise.

 

April 28, 2018 6:26 am  #16


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

That’s awesome! Every step you take will make you feel better. I love Phoenix ‘s roller coaster analogie. So true. You can do it, and we’re your cheerleaders!

 

April 28, 2018 8:19 am  #17


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Kathyd
   How was your evening out?

 

April 28, 2018 12:46 pm  #18


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

You went out out?! Go girl. I'm not that brave yet. Ha ha. Hope you had a blast.

 

April 29, 2018 8:14 am  #19


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

My night out was fun.  One too many many mai tais though!  I'm proud of myself for going, I thought for sure I was going to chicken out but I didn't.  Today I have that sinking feeling back in my stomach because I'm alone and feel so disconnected from life and the living.  Perhaps I'll allow just a one hour cry this afternoon and then try to move out of bed.  Did anyone else feel paralyzed from this?  It's a feeling that I just can't move or maybe don't want to or IDK.  Hopefully I'll find a job soon to keep busy and distracted.  


WTF
     Thread Starter
 

April 29, 2018 8:33 am  #20


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Good to hear your night out was a success!
I don't think it's so uncommon, what you're feeling.  When you get hit with what we are hit with, we're stunned.  It's like an emotional concussion.  It takes a while to come back to ourselves, and we don't shake it off all at once.  Even as we're recovering, we still have after effects.  I spent a little time this morning crying myself.  
  But now I am going to put on my workout clothes and move my body and get my heart rate up and some oxygen into my lungs and bloodstream, and wake up my brain and give it a little dose of endorphins.  That's part of my healing process.  
  The task for you is to find the treatment you need, whether that's self care and self treatment (with exercise, making the effort to be social--and remembering when you do that it's a pleasure), or something that validates your own sense of self worth (sounds like you are considering a job, which would be really good for validating your sense of yourself as capable and valuable).  

 

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