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April 26, 2018 11:46 am  #1


25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

My husband came home from a Christmas party that I wasn't invited to and was pretty buzzed.  His routine is to soak in the tub where his routine is to fall asleep, then start snoring. That's my queue to get him to go to bed.  He passed out with his phone, resting on his knee and so I pick up the phone and save it from drowning.  The text happens to be open and it says: "My only wish is to be in your arms right now.  I miss your silly laugh, the smell of the nape of your neck, etc...."  I'm stunned and put the phone down!  I immediately text my friend to tell her.  She's in disbelief and thinks I've read it wrong so she tells me to go in and get the phone that happens to be right beside him in the bed (thank god).   So I take it and begin with the texts from the girlfriend.  I start to shake and I'm sick to my stomach.  There were lots of them.a I'm reading them to my friend and she's speechless.  Not Gary!  No Way!  He's home every night! He's not the type!  There's never been a question of me not trusting him 100 percent and vice versa.  Well, what an idiot I've been!
Somehow I have the wherewithall to check the email too. I look to find the Craigslist ad he's placed. How he loves to cuddle.  "Massage/fondle/suck me and I'll bend you over and f--- like a supermodel!" He says he's a, "SENSUOUS LOVER." There are ads he's responded to and planned hookups everywhere with men.  I lost it and hospitalized myself from the shock & trauma.  I was blindsided! He's good looking and built in a manly, masculine way.  He has a sense of humor and heart of gold (or so I thought). Everybody loved & respected him. My friend was quick enough to tell me to take screenshots of everything.  I'm alone now and I've been crying for 125 days.  I cry to him and he tells me he'll come home when we both "get better".  Yes, I've begged him many times to come home. How can I possibly want him after all he's done to me??  He was my whole my life, my best friend.  We were happy and did everything together.  We each had a daughter and met when we were 30.  We did so much as family.  When the kids got older the two of us spent almost every weekend at the beach surfcasting until midnite.  So WTF!!!  I'm devastated to say the least and the tears just don't stop.  He is so deep in the closet that I even have a hard time not believing his story of 'going crazy' and the woman was just a FWB.  After having read all the stories here though I think I may be coming out of denial.  We've tried seeing each other once a week because i needed his "help" to get through this, but it doesn't work  I end up hysterical when he goes home and he's loaded with guilt (or so he tells me).  Yesterday I found another dry cleaning slip in his car for a suit to the wedding that we were invited to.  He never asked me to go. Further evidence that he's NOT planning on ever coming home. I HATE HIM!!   I'm realizing the deceit will NEVER stop. The heartbreak is so bad and therapy and Cymbalta can only do so much.  I don't see a life ahead and I spend most of my time in bed while he's out having the time of his life.  Denial was so much easier!  This morning I e-mailed him.  I told him that I want my lawyer paid by June 1st (I've been out of work 3 years) and it's the END.  How do you even begin to start over at 54?   I DON"T WANT TO!!  I can't stand the thought of being alone & lonely for the rest of my life and I need him to stay close with me. My future and all my plans are gone.  I can't live without him or ever seeing him or hearing his voice.  But he's not my friend.  He's the abuser.  He can't be both. I've learned that here. They keep demolishing us. Tomorrow will be my 126th day of crying.  Who would think it's physically possible to cry so much?  My daughter has not spoken to me since this has happened.  She is also feeling the effects of what her step-father has done to her mother. Basically my entire family is gone because of his selfishness.  I am finding so much support and knowledge here from others' experience.  I've learned there's a pattern with these narcissistic men.  We are slowly beaten down over the years by the passive-aggresive verbal abuse, insults, gaslighting, held financially hostage, and besiegied with lies, excuses and deceit. Basically we're empty shells of our former vibrant selves with no self-esteem,  feelings of worthlessness, co-dependence and feeling life isn't worth living without them.  We've only been covers for them, not real wives that have been wanted and desired.  It's all been a lie.  They'll do ANYTHING to keep the secret.  Even re-marry one day.

Last edited by Kathyd (May 13, 2018 1:39 am)


WTF
 

April 26, 2018 2:08 pm  #2


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Kathyd wrote:

.....Tomorrow will be my 126th day of crying.  Who would think it's physically possible to cry so much?.... 

*raise hands and waves.......I do!...*
Every time I read heartbreak posted in here I just wish I could wrap my arms around you. That's what many of us need, just to have somebody who knows what we go through, and has compassion & understanding. 

You have the next best thing, and though it's not a tangible touch or a warm hug...our emotion and help is genuine.

The first time I told somebody else about exactly what I'm going through...it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was very careful about who I told, but I realised keeping it to myself was not helping xx
 

Last edited by Ellexoh (April 26, 2018 2:10 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 26, 2018 2:14 pm  #3


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Thank you for your hug!   It is like a weight off my shoulders after writing my story.  Nobody else could possibly know what we're feeling in here unless they've experienced it.  I hope we all get a little better each day ??


WTF
     Thread Starter
 

April 26, 2018 2:38 pm  #4


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Kathyd wrote:

..... I hope we all get a little better each day ??

Yes.....we do, I can definitely say that. But also definitely find someone you can face-to-face with. It's like walking through treacle, then finding it turns into soft grass but then you discover you have a hill to climb, through prickly
gorse. And you always come up against walls that seem insurmountable.And all this having to wear our day-to-day face to the world....that thinks nothing is wrong. But I felt like I wasn't doing this alone after I talked with people I care for and who care for me
The injustice...the unfairness of it all....seems to make us stronger. It's simply as individuals we all have a different path to take.

Last edited by Ellexoh (April 26, 2018 2:41 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 26, 2018 4:13 pm  #5


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Kathyd, I'm so sorry for what he's doing, and continues to do.  I've been depressed for so long I don't remember what "happy" feels like any more -- but the idea that depression causes gay cheating, and not the other way around, is cray-cray.

 

April 26, 2018 4:30 pm  #6


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Hi Kathyd,
Welcome to the club none of EVER imagined joining, but glad you found us. Hopefully you can draw some strength here, and at least know you are not alone, and we absolutely get what you are going through. First of all, just breathe. You are in shock, and you’re body is responding to shock, it’s literally like getting hit by a bus. I was your exact same age when my world imploded. I had been married  30+ years.  It’s been 3 years since I divorced him, and I’m not going to lie, in the beginning, it was rough, but once I discovered the truth, I never considered staying in the marriage for even a second, to me, all trust was gone. You’ll see the same themes here over and over, blame shifting, projection, on and on. They will do absolutely anything to protect their secret. They are not our friends, and the sad part is they never were. You will get through this, I promise. I’d start by cutting off all contact with him, let your attorney communicate with him Don’t look too far down the road now, just focus on one day at a time. Call or email str8 spouse to see if there is a support group in your area, I went faithfully in the beginning and it was a lifesaver. I’m alone now, but I’m happy and am at total peace with my life, because it’s no longer filled with drama and lies. Keep posting, we are listening. Hugs.

 

April 26, 2018 7:27 pm  #7


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

"Does every husband with a depressed wife run out and sleep with men because his wife is depressed??"
Not a chance - this is blame-shifting.

None of us wanted to start over but what are you staying for? The lying will not cease. It sounds like all you have to look forward to is more tears. Follow through with your plan. It offers hope. Staying does not.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

April 26, 2018 8:07 pm  #8


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

Kathy D, Sweet pea, you are in the horrible phase, the one in which you can't imagine being without him yet you know you can't be with him because you know what he's done and how he deceived you and put your health at risk.  Your current reality is at war with the past you lived.  You can't believe the past was a deception because it felt so real; it was real to you. It was a deception on his part.  It's a kind and depth of betrayal that most people can't even imagine.   To know that our partners care so little about us that they would lie to us, that they care more about their closet than they do us, this kind of heartlessness is just so very very hard to accept. 
  It will get better.  But it will not get better with him.  You cannot get from him the assurances and comfort you want, and it does you no good to ask the very person who is making you need comfort for comfort. You must find the strength to stop contacting him.  
   
  

 

April 26, 2018 8:19 pm  #9


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

^---   Great Post!    

I agree completely OOHC.  Well said. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

April 27, 2018 8:50 am  #10


Re: 25 Years Of Marriage, 125 Days Of Crying

I think Lynne may be right about your depression. I did not realize how much of myself I had suppressed while we were together until he left and I began rebuilding my life. I had never thought of myself as depressed but really I had been surviving, not living. The most important things were what he wanted or didn't want. I was socially isolated and when we had gone to marriage counseling and family counseling the message that I had gotten was that I needed to be strong and grounded as he sorted through childhood trauma. He was the primary or only breadwinner and he had to be kept functional. That was my function. 

It's been seven years now since he moved out and again it's spring in North America. Outside flowers are blooming, trees are leafing out and venturing out for a walk may be good way for you to help  turn the emotional corner. Someone here suggested that if you need to cry allow yourself but set a time limit on it. Plan something to do afterwards such as take a shower or make supper. Small things are o.k.

I was 59 when he announced he was leaving and left. We are divorced now and I am happy. Recovery is not a once-and-done process but a gradual one. Making new memories tapes over the old ones but staying in bed pulls you back into the past.


 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

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