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1 - lost
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he wants me to tell
My ex is a coward to say the least. I honestly thinks that he wants me to tell our girls that their father is gay so he can be free of it. A part of me wants to tell them so I too can be free of it. But a part of me wants him to suffer like I did for 16+yrs because he made me feel unattractive, unworthy. I want him to stay in his closet of shame and self-loathing. I want him to have the guts to come out on his own without my help.
There are times that I wish I would just die and not deal with the pain of betrayal. I wish that I knew it sooner. I wish...
- Keepinghope
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Re: he wants me to tell
Oh lost, this is pure hell. I have nothing to offer except it is so very unfair.
How old are your children? My gut says they will know someday and wonder why you kept such a big secret. Are you doing IC or family therapy? Maybe that would be a good place to explore how and when to tell. Bet you he never, ever does.
Sending strength to you.
- Cornfused
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Re: he wants me to tell
My wife actually took the kids with her as she marched in the Pride Parade and went to their picnic. But she knew better than to take them to see the movie later that evening. For that she brought the kids home to me (I had returned then from work) and went alone to see their movie with them. Afterward she spoke of "her heart being full" from the experience! OK! And she told the kids herself about her orientation.
So now as our marriage ends, they know the reason, as much as they can comprehend it. It hurts me to know this is only a big deal because she made it a big deal. It didn't have to be the deal breaker. But now she made it that way, for some reason. Seems she can't help herself!
If you're curious, you may read her own words about it! Her blog is Echoing Belovedness dot com.
The newest post is about something different, but the July 20 post is her coming out. You see she's very good with words but there's a strange emptiness to the message when one realizes it crushed her own marriage!
Thanks for the support from these forums! It means a lot to me.
- Dixie
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Re: he wants me to tell
Cornfused, I read some of her blog, and with all due respect, she is NOT a good writer. Each post was endless word salad of new age buzzwords. Wrapping tons of verbiage around the ideas that she is brave and blameless. I don't know enough of your story to assess the accuracy of those ideas, but I think she is clearly a self-obsessed navel gazer. The suggestion that she needs to love herself and her "truth" any more than she already does is scary!
- Kel
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Re: he wants me to tell
Cornfused,
Your ex wife's name is Lanae??? That's my daughter's name! I'm sure you can understand how rare it is to not only come across another individual who both pronounces and spells the name the same way. Unusual.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Kel
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Re: he wants me to tell
And I agree with Dixie - there's a lot of words said, but I can't get beyond it except as a broad concept. What she says over and over again in different ways is: a) Be who you really are, b) while being good to others. I don't think the word "belovedness" is a new concept - just the word. I'm sure if we asked you, you'd say a lot of what she's done is in belovedness toward only herself.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Dee
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Re: he wants me to tell
I can't get beyond the second paragraph, it's just all the same over and over again. Words are just that, words. It's our actions that define us.
- lost
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Re: he wants me to tell
I tried reading her blog. Maybe I am just angry at my own ex that I can't relate to "their" suffering. So many lives affected because of their selfish, cowardly ways.
I wish you strength!
- •
Thread Starter- Cornfused
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Re: he wants me to tell
You ladies are right about the blog being so many endless, meaningless words. But it's very important to her! She marched in the gay pride parade and wore a shirt that said, "Love More," at the same time that she told her husband, "Don't touch me!" So promote love but don't keep your marriage vows. Meaningless! She was out with her friends drinking last night while I made supper for the kids, cleaned up the kitchen, and put them to bed. Then I went to work two hours later. (night shift.)
- whatasham24
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Re: he wants me to tell
Lost, I know exactly how you feel, as I am in the same position. They are all cowards. Afraid to be authentic & honest with themselves, for years! Afraid to tell the spouse, again often for years & even when they are "cut loose" they are afraid of coming completely out and owning their shit. I think it's really just because lying is easy & they're lazy. Honesty requires backlash, work & paying in some matter for the prize. They want it all, without any cost to them. Funny, they always talk about the "price they have paid." Mind boggling to me that they continue to be chickenshits decades later when they refuse to take responsibility for the hurt they have caused.
Having said that, I have come to terms with this with my own spouse & have decided it will be MY choice who/what/where I tell MY story. I don't give a shit about his story anymore, it doesn't include me, actually never did at the core of his intentions, so i will not help him own his shit. I won't be vindictive & shout from the rooftops as I would not feel good about myself after, but I don't judge someone else's decision. We don't need to soften their path any longer. Look out for what's right for YOU. Reclaim & rewrite your story 