Hi walkbymyself
Where is this "weekend trip": a resort? My X (AJ) used to invite me to go away with him on business trips because other spouses of delegates were expected to attend. These were more to show his colleagues that he was "stable enough to be considered for promotions". At the time, I believed I was in a "stable marriage". I guess I did a good job of being (my daughter has told me the term is) "his beard", because he was promoted frequently.
   Then, the year he turned 40, and was at the highest level in the company, he went into "a mid-life crisis". Or so I thought. He had become increasingly irrational for several years, but that year, he quit his job as CEO of the company!!! And started his own company.  Decided to sell our house and down-size, instead of paying off the mortgage on the smaller house, he invested the $s in his business.  Managed to convince me it was a temporary measure & when his business was successful, he would pay off the mortgage.  Of course, I believed him.
  Then, 5 years later, he told me, "I want to explore my homosexual feelings". Talk about feeling sucker-punched!!  I had no idea he had homosexual feelings.
   Fortunately, I had a friend who advised me about a really good lawyer. During the meeting with AJ, his lawyer, and me, my lawyer was unrelenting in demanding proof of his finances. She was so strong, I actually felt sorry for AJ, even though it was clear he was trying to cheat me....  Then, after a few months of the Settlement Agreement, AJ sued me to reduce the monthly support payments, claiming his business was struggling & paying me would force him to declare bankruptcy. Again, I believed him & agreed to a reduction. 
     This meant that our daughter would have to take a loan for university (which she is still paying off, 10 years later). I still have to make mortgage payments on a house that he insisted we buy. With "fragile-employment" (part-time, minimum-wage, no benefits), I haven't the energy to clear out this 3-bedroom detached house to sell.
     The only thing about the house I can enjoy is the gardening, the physical yard-work seems to really help me feel good about myself. The bulbs I planted a few years ago survived the snow/ice storm of last weekend. (Yes, we had snow in April, surprised most of us in the Toronto area.) And I see the wild rabbits have been surviving on the fresh leaves of tulips.  In March, when there were a few warm days, I filled 4 bins with the invasive garlic-mustard weeds I had dug out. Digging out weeds seems to really help me feel some control.
     In the first episode of "Grace & Frankie" (a Netflix show), Robert asks Grace, "Honestly, were you happy with me?" (This is after he has told her he has been in a 20 year relationship with his business partner.) Grace replies, "I was happy enough."
    I have given up thinking of being happy. I am trying hard to imagine a life for myself where I am content.

Last edited by gonzo2000 (April 24, 2018 9:58 pm)

I absolutely would not go, what good would come out of it for you? Once I knew what I knew, the mere sight of him made my skin crawl. Is this so he can pretend everything is all good? You shouldn’t be in a position to act a part for a weekend and fake the happy wife. He’s endangered your physical and mental health, and now he wants you by his side, don’t fall for it, it’s more gaslighting. Instead of looking at it like a weekend watching tv, look at it as a peaceful weekend without lies and tears, planning your future and next steps. I guarantee you’ll feel even stronger afterward. Hugs.

Gotta say, I love the concept of an "E-Hug."

I am gathering stuff for the financial planner I found.  Just to keep things on track, I e-mailed him and told him I was going to need copies of all our 401k statements, bank statements, etc.  I already got the tax stuff from the accountant, and my next step is to get my social security statement ... oh how fun, I gotta create another online account, answer a million security questions, come up with another password with letters, numbers and characters ... 

Anyhow, I like this financial planner.  She is working on a fee-only basis, so she won't be trying to manage my investments or anything -- she'll be completely independent.  She also pointed out that my situation is very common, and whether or not I ultimately get a divorce (looking likely at the moment, but nothing is settled) it's healthy for me to have a clear picture of my own financial situation.

Thanks, Wondering.  I had regretted offering to go for the weekend with my husband, but in fact it was helpful to me in my journey (sorry if I sound like an idiot here).  Remember, I'm processing a lot of stuff now, understanding what has been going on right in front of me for 24 years only I only now have a critical piece of information that was missing before.  And the stuff I don't know?  I at least have a sense of how much information is likely missing.

So even though there were times when the weekend felt awkward, I was also seeing things more clearly than I'd seen them before.  He's still trying to win me back; in fact, he's kind of in denial about where things actually stand.  

I had completely forgotten an incident, from before we were even married, when he was talking about a friend of his who married in his 20's (a little on the young side for his crowd) and who "never cheated on his wife" and how unusual that was.  I actually didn't think it was, or should be, unusual, but that's another point.  Anyhow, we got into an argument because my then-boyfriend, now-husband remarked that it's more serious when a wife cheats than when a husband cheats, because when a husband cheats, it's just a physical thing; it's not like it's a real meaningful relationship, but if a wife cheats it's because she's fallen in love, and that means there's something seriously wrong with a marriage.  And we had a huge blow-out argument, because I pointed out that if a man wants to do something that will put his entire marriage at risk, by definition it's something that has life-or-death importance to him.  You don't get a free pass on this because it doesn't have to do with hearts and flowers and remembering to buy chocolate on Valentine's Day.  So no, it's not a defense to argue "but it meant nothing to me" as if it's so much better to throw away your marriage for something you don't really want all that bad.  If you're willing to trade your marriage for a little piece on the side, by definition you've made a statement about the value you place on your marriage.

So I hadn't thought about this fight in quite literally decades, but it all came flooding back to me, and I just couldn't believe that he could sit there and tell me over and over that he loved me and that he only had these physical encounters but never loved anybody but me.  And I'm like I cannot believe that he still, after all these years, doesn't understand that his cheating is what killed this marriage, whether or not he fell in love with someone else.

OMG WBM! 129 days ago a similar thing happened to me.  I caught his phone before it fell in the bathtub and there for my viewing pleasure were many Craigslist ads he had written and posted for himself.  One of my favs was a shot of his sunburned ass in a black thong but what was worse were the responses by the guys that thought his buns were "gorgeous".   Along with the gay ads was a text to his girlfriend about how much he missed her.  Three days before Christmas!  I've had so much good advice from this site.  Thank god for our friends who told us to take pictures of what we saw!  Would we even believe us??  I was reading a good article today about CBT and how your thoughts are in unison with your emotions.  I've been practicing today, replacing my negative thoughts and trying not to blame myself and believe his bullshit.  Day 3 - no contact.  Every little bit helps. Big hugs to you and if you need to vent don't hesitate to PM me.  For ONE minute today I actually believed that I'm going to be so much happier without him while rewriting my life.