Happy Monday, I guess.  

It turns out I had my dates messed up, and the weekend my husband is going away is this coming weekend.  But I decided that there would never be a "good" time for this conversation, and I should stick with the plan and just sit him down on Friday morning.  I was shaking from head to toe, but I walked into the living room, turned off the radio, sat down, and basically went into my speech pretty close to word for word what I'd told you guys I was going to say.

As I'd predicted, he interrupted me to say "What do you WANT?" which is code word for "You are rambling and babbling and wasting my precious time instead of getting to the point like a man."  Fortunately, I'd prepared for that ... which I said "I knew you were going to say that.  First, I want a complete picture of my financial resources and assets, so I can decide for myself whether I stay in this marriage.  Second, you have to tell J. [our daughter].  I want her to have a perfect and unspoiled graduation, though, so you can wait until after graduation, and if you can't get up the courage I'm going to tell her myself when I go out to help her pack up at the end of the month."

Now, I was not prepared for him being as halfway-candid as he turned out to be -- and I was expecting him to explode in a rage and start hurling accusations at me.  He didn't do that.  He conceded that I was within my rights to be angry.  He said he'd been tormented by this (I don't believe that part) and that he'd considered suicide at times (I'm not swayed by that, but I also don't want him to pull that guilt trip on me or our daughter).

He did sound like he'd been preparing for this moment, and that he'd been rehearsing.  I don't know whether he'd been checking up on me online, but this is one of only two places I've discussed the situation.  The other chat room is members-only and he wouldn't have been able to read anything I'd posted.  I did send one e-mail to a friend the day I made the discovery.  It's possible he went on my computer and read that e-mail, but I'm guessing he just knew because I'd found that viagra and left it on the coffee table where he would see it.

So I told him I could see he'd been rehearsing.  I asked him what on earth he thought the endgame was supposed to be -- did he honestly think this would stay a secret forever?  He said that he thought the truth might only come out after he was dead.

I mention this because it's an example of how unbelievably self-absorbed he came off to me: he doesn't stop to think about how devastating this would be on his wife and child, to learn something this way.

He told me over and over that I was the only person he loved, that there had never been anyone else in his life, and that these "urges" were only physical blah blah blabbity blah.  He said he'd always been bisexual, and then he said "What am I supposed to do, be celibate all my life?" and I came right back with "That's exactly what you forced on me, though, and I didn't even get a choice in the matter."  I pointed out that our sex life stopped because I couldn't get him interested, and I stopped to see whether he'd try initiating, and twenty years went by.  So he doesn't get to complain about me making him live a celibate life.  It was the other way around.  So his next argument was "I never prevented you" (suggesting that I could have gone outside the marriage) and I shot that one right down as well.  Of course he prevented me; I didn't cheat on him because he would have been devastated.  I didn't cheat on him because I took a vow.  I told him, "If you'd been in a car accident and been paralyzed from the waist down and could never have sex again, I wouldn't have used that as an excuse to cheat on you.  I would have honored my promise because that's what it meant."  He said "Well, you're a better person than me." which I think is pretty self-evident.

Anyhow, as things stand now, he acknowledges that I am gathering all this financial information and I have arranged to meet with a financial planner, and she will help me get through all the papers so I can get an understanding of what my financial picture is.  He knows that I may file for divorce.  He understands that he should come clean to our daughter.  I've told him that it's not necessary for him to disclose his HIV status to her, but that if she asks directly he is not to lie.

My lawyer and my financial planner have both cautioned me that it can be risky letting him find out I'm thinking of a divorce, because legally he is still able to start stealing assets.  But there's a reason for me to do things in this order.  I don't want any more lying in this house, and that means I don't have to lie and I'm not going to force my daughter to lie either.  So before she comes home from college, she has to know that her father is gay and that he has been sneaking out cheating on me (on us, really) for two decades.  And, I can't very well tell her this and then tell her "Don't let Daddy find out I know."  Because that's making her live in the closet, too, and I'm not going to allow that.  So I had to start with step one, which was to tell him directly that I'm on to him.  Step two is telling our daughter.

He was distraught by the time I left in the morning (I had an early doctor's appointment) and I could hear him sobbing in the bathroom "I love you, I love you, I love you" as I was leaving.  I hate to come off like a  coldhearted bitch, but I don't necessarily think he knows what love is.

"Love" means, among other things, that anything that hurts me hurts you too.  I love my daughter: when she is cut, I bleed.  I don't see that level of empathy in him.  He still seemed to be acting as though his little secret never hurt anybody, when objectively speaking he devastated this family with his cheating.  I think if he loved me, he never would have allowed me to believe, for three whole days, that she might have been exposed to HIV.  He knew that was impossible, but he let me believe it rather than admit to me that he'd cheated on me well after she was born.

Anyway, for now, he spent the weekend trying to win me back.

You are amazing!!!

Great job!

Don't let the "love-bombing" work.  You know he will continue to do this out of fear for a while.  They never want to come out or have life change unless it's on their own terms.  

My ex-wife gave me the celibacy line as well.  I told her it was garbage.  She can have sex with me because she made that promise to only have sex with me.  Funny how often we see similarities in each other's stories on this site. 

Bravo to you! Now the mask is off, and you are seeing him for what he truly is, a coward. I got all the tears too, not for me, but for himself, after he was caught of course. They have the same playbook, beyond pathetic.  You’re on your way to a drama free life.

Cheers to you! You handled it so well and discreetly. I would have never been able to do that!
Keep up the good work and don't let your guard down. I got tears also. I suspect they were for him as he is just a cold compassionless person inside. Most of them are. 
Don't give up and best wishes for you!

It's all such a balancing act, isn't it?  There may be "nothing to be gained by [your] sitting [there] in an empty house," but there very well might be something to be gained from not accepting his invitation, because it puts him on notice his tactics designed to manipulate you aren't working.  And it keeps you away from any temptation to re-engage.
  But then you also have to weigh the message you send to him by not going against any rage reaction that you want to avoid going into divorce negotiations. 
    It's all so very tiresome, this calculus, isn't it?