DaveOKC wrote:

My wife of 14 years came out to me three weeks ago as gay, and said she wants to end our marriage. I've long known about her attraction to women, but we've had an active and, I thought, quite satisfying sex life. She revealed to me that she was ready to call herself bisexual about a year and a half ago. I wasn't alarmed, clearly I should have been. Based on what we had talked about, fantasies and so forth, that made sense.

Since coming out to me as gay, she has pretty much revealed how far back and to what extent her attraction to women has been. Her first crush, movie stars she likes, always focusing on women.

I guess my question is, how can we have had such a good sex life for me (and she says satisfying for her) and she still be gay?

There's a lot of backstory I haven't included, obviously. She now says in her life up to this point being gay for her was not an option, and there were years and years where she told herself that she was not gay, couldn't be. She expended a large amount of energy repressing that. And now she is getting congratulated for being "authentic", while I was authentic for 14 years and am devastated.

 

Dave....I'm kinda jealous (I know that will sound weird). Not to make light of the situation you now find yourself in but your wife sounds determined & honest. So many of us have partners who are not.
Now for my personal rant....
This "authentic" thing makes me scream, while understanding the right-ness of the term as regards the LGBTQ community...it leaves the spouse of these people with a voice that wants to be heard but whose authenticity doesn't appear to have the same importance.

You're in the right place Dave...to find advice..

DaveOKC wrote:

.....Thanks for the welcome.

Use it

In the "nobody understands exactly what I'm going through" world of straight spouses....I wrote a piece on this experience and sent it to the online site of the local newspaper, but wanted it to be anonymous. Which says it all doesn't it? How can there be a sensible (inclusive?) dialogue acknowledging the 'other side' of a couple who face this issue....when one is told they should be authentic...it's their right!, and the other can't/is in too much disarray to even be acknowledged. 

Dave - yes count your blessings.  She is coming out sooner rather than later, this is a blessing - some never come out at all and brazen it all the way to the grave with their monogamous loyal husband suffering alongside.  It is horrible to watch.

Don't bother giving her the benefit of the doubt, I mean just don't bother - what on earth does 'being gay wasn't an option' mean towards you?  why couldn't she be honest with you?  

Last edited by lily (April 17, 2018 7:25 pm)

Hi Dave, 

Welcome to the group.  I went through the same experience with my ex.  She tried for 16 years to repress her same sex attraction.  Though, we didn't have a satisfying sex life like you say you had.  Mine claimed to be bisexual as well, but in the end that turned out to be a lie.  To be honest, most of us hear that story and it turns out to be lies.  Being "Bi" is a much more socially acceptable stance for someone married to a straight person.  It implies that they do still love you and are attracted to you and removes the guilt and takes away the idea that they just plain lied to you about who they were. 

You ask some good questions:
How can you have a good sex life even though she isn't attracted to men?  I won't pretend to know your wife but I have my opinions..   I think many people with a same sex attraction try to repress it.  One of the ways they think they can change themselves is to try really hard to enjoy sex with their husband/wife.  They will try to do it often and try to get into it hoping they can convince themselves that it's great.  It's not like visiting the dentist.. they are still getting some pleasure, especially if their spouse is "generous".  Many use their imagination to help increase the pleasure.  
Another cause for sexual activity is to smokescreen us..  When they are worried that we are going to find out the truth they will increase the frequency of sex in order to make us think they like it.  That will take away our concerns and not make us suspect anything. 

We all experience the pain of being marginalized when our spouse comes out.  Our society is quick to congratulate them for being "authentic" and for having the courage to come out of the closet.  But they completely miss the fact the awful way they took another person hostage to avoid being authentic for so long.  Society completely misses the fact that there is an innocent victim in this story who's life is completely destroyed.  Multiple victims if there are kids involved.  

Anyway, welcome to our group Dave.  We are all here for you.  We understand everything because we've been through it or are currently going through it.  Feel free to post and blog and share as much as you like.  Let us know how you are feeling and what questions you have.  We are here to help!

 

Wondering89 wrote:

It’s a massive thing to get your head around.

 
That is for sure.

Today we are doing okay. I talked with a friend last night for a couple of hours. And then had lunch with a minister friend today. The friend from last night wants to start hitting the gym together, and was maybe thinking about getting into Tai Chi. So we may give that a try.