Yeah, mine was the same.  Told me he didn't want to be a man and hated his maleness and his male body, and delivered the ultimatum "to the extent you can enjoy me as a woman we have a future together," and then telling me what kind of sex he now expected, as if after knocking all the supporting beams out from under my foundation and the house of our marriage I could just adjust to his new self and needs.  As if, that is, he were still entitled to my wifely care, sexual service, and advice!
  "Entitled" is the key word, and narcissism the state of being from which that feeling arises.  I don't know if they've always been like that or whether it's a accompanying state of their coming out or into their real sexuality, but it's very real.  He can't leave you alone because he thinks he's entitled to your help; he doesn't or can't or won't understand the effect of what he's doing on you because he's narcissistically self involved. 
   So unfortunately we have to be the ones to protect ourselves by refusing to engage and by shutting them out.  This is most difficult when they are still under the same roof and continually acting as if they deserve our ear and advice, and when we are reeling from the shock and in "save my marriage, I love him" mode. 
   You must fight your guilt.  You must tell yourself you have nothing to feel guilty about.  And keep telling yourself that.  Make it your mantra.  Tell him: He forfeited the right to your care and advice and ear when he did/said what he did.  Tell him: You are not the right confidant.  Tell him: It's not your job to make his sexual desires/self ok to him. Tell him: It's unreasonalbe of him to expect it.  Tell him to go to a therapist to talk it through.  
   Ask yourself: Where is his love for you when you need him the most?  For him to need you "the most" at a time when he is leaving you behind is illogical, unreasonable, and downright cruel.  You don't get to say to someone, "Hey, I'm leaving you behind because I've finally realized (admitted) my sexuality is incompatible with yours and I can't really ever love you, but I expect you to continue to occupy your role as spouse/partner to me." 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 5, 2018 7:19 am)

Sadmomma wrote:

I’ve got to stop feeling like I’m the bad person for not being there for him. And he’s an expert at using me.

You nailed it!   Don't let him make you think you have to support changes that harm you.  

To use an analogy:
You are the innocent bystander watching your house burn down thanks to an arsonist.  You don't owe him a drink of water because the flames made him hot and uncomfortable.  You owe yourself to make your present and future a priority.  Find comfort for yourself.  Find others who will help you.  When you ready, start making plans to build a new home.  

Its tough..  their sense of entitlement and indifference knows no bounds..  mine destroyed the marriage with the gay, lies and cheating ... traumatized me... but to this day considers herself "the victim".    Its a warped reality they live in.
It took a long time for mine to realize what the word divorced means.   Most "can't make this stuff up  moment" came the day after the divorce when I said no,  no I will not pay your bill for the hotel rooms and toys.   Somehow divorced or not she felt I was obligated to pay for those things...that it was somehow moral and ok.

It is that broken moral mentally that hurts us so much that we need to get away from.  All we can do is get away.

Last edited by Rob (April 5, 2018 9:32 pm)