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1 - selfrenewal
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Sad tonight
Hi everyone, hope you are all having the best night, as possible.
Tonight has been really tough for me, mostly because I'm just deeply saddened by everything. The stages of grief are very difficult. I'm missing my ex terribly tonight. I don't even know how that's possible considering how much I hate him at the same time. I think what hurts the most is that he now refuses to speak to me. Although no contact is the best route, it hurts deeply bc he hasn't apologized or really even acknowledged how horribly he's hurt me this last time. He says he needs to focus solely on his "recovery" and couldn't even get into what he's done to me in the past bc it might harm his recovery and potentially cause a relapse. Like, WTF?!?!?! First off, I'm pretty sure in his rehab and therapy he didn't discuss TGT or everything he's done to me, but just focused on his last meth binge issue, so how can he even be so selfish as not to discuss this?
I know I shouldn't care but I just can't wrap my brain around how anyone can be so callous and cold towards someone who cared so immensely? He may have loved me, but the lies, manipulation, and cheating tell me that can't be true and he def didn't respect me, so it makes sense that he could just walk away from me like I was lower that dog shit to him. But it just hurts and I keep replaying his last nonchalant and uncaring words he spoke to me. How can he act like we were strangers and that he doesn't give a shit?
The pain from this whole situation is unbearable. I'd prefer if he'd had said mean things bc that would suggest he at least cared enough to fight or something (that's some messed up thinking on my part). But his pretending like I never existed just feels like I'm getting kicked repeatedly when I'm already so far down.
I was hoping by writing this it'd help just a bit. But if any of you have words of support, or have also felt this crazy type of grief, I'd like to hear about it. Thanks!
Last edited by selfrenewal (August 18, 2016 1:20 am)
- Cornfused
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Re: Sad tonight
SR: Try to get your mind on other things! Read the Bible. Sing a song. Is it your sleep time? I'm at work. If he does meth, can you trust his brain at all? That's very strong stuff.
- selfrenewal
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Re: Sad tonight
Yes, it is definitely way past my bedtime! Think I'm going to pop some melatonin and try to sleep.
That's the most confusing part - his meth use and gay sex occurred together, and was not constant. About once a year he would disappear for 3-4 days to the city and do meth and hook up with CL people. I don't even know how that can define him as a meth addict??? For what it's worth, I believe that he couldn't handle dealing with or realizing his sexuality (gay, bi, idk...) so he'd scratch his itch and numb his pain with meth, or maybe justify the sex.
Who the hell knows! But I am tired of these looping thoughts.
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Thread Starter- Cornfused
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Re: Sad tonight
I wouldn't trust a guy like that for five minutes. He's a mess.
- Dixie
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Re: Sad tonight
Turning to the person who hurt you for support and compassion is never going to help you heal. It is ironic that we so long for validation from our abusers but you really need to seek comfort elsewhere. I know it is so hard. His refusal to speak to you is his punishment to you for having the temerity to stand up and say his lies and cheating and drug use are not okay and he is no longer welcome in your life. Please look at his silence as a gift ... use the opportunity to heal and move on. Because chances are he will soon want to engage with you, and you will need to find the strength to not talk to him. If someone were physically attacking you and he turned his back for a moment ... you would take that opportunity and RUN away!! It is the same with emotional abuse ... get away from him, particularly now while he is turning his back on you. I hope you got a little rest last night. Hugs.
- Rob
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Re: Sad tonight
Yeah..I doubt he's up worrying about you.
I know the feeling of turning to the person that's hurting you for support. I did it in the beginning and realized it was wrong...I would get callous answers from her; I need professional help, I did this or that wrong, I'm crazy etc.
Then it was like withdrawl as I was codependent on her...who wouldn't be dependent on their best friend and spouse..
But when they are the cause ..best to go no contact however much it hurts..in a sentence..they are no longer our friend..that hurts to hear buy that is the truth...a friend would not treat us like they do. Trying to confide in a cheating spouse is like asking a robber for sympathy after he's robbed you..you may get some sympathy but he'll be laughing at the same time.
So sorry but no contact is key. It gets you away from the abuse. It gets you away from behavior that is not normal and not moral.
Hope you get some sleep.
Ehugs.
Last edited by Rob (August 18, 2016 7:18 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- selfrenewal
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Re: Sad tonight
You guys are all right and logically I KNOW that. We've been NC for a bit now, I just feel trapped by my brain. My post sounds like these conversations happened with him recently, but they've occurred over the past couple of months. I just keep replaying, and feel stuck in my head. WTH does my brain think this type of thinking is okay, and to do so for so long? So frustrating and hurtful. I sincerely need to find a good therapist, even if only for a couple of weeks before I move.
I try not let myself dwell in those bad thoughts too long, but some nights it's pretty difficult, as I'm sure you all know. I do appreciate those analogies, they're helpful!
Last edited by selfrenewal (August 18, 2016 7:43 pm)
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Thread Starter- JJ1966
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Re: Sad tonight
Hi, I am so sorry for your pain, and I mean this with love and respect. He's playing a mind game. He is a narcissist. He knows he can draw you back in by ignoring you. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I have. He has conditioned you to respond this way, sounds like he has done this before and knows or at least thinks that when he is done and deigns to notice you. You will be so relieved you will take him right back. You sound like a sweet, caring person and he is preying on you. I have to agree with others and say, "RUN FOR IT", Take advantage of this time period to get away. If you need time to find your way, then try and plan it for these time periods. Be kind to yourself and keep up the zero contact. This kind of person will only show caring when it is to their advantage in the end. I hope I don't sound bitter, I don't mean to, I have no had much opportunity o show support, as my husband separated me from from all friends and family in the first few years of marriage, but I'm trying.
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- selfrenewal
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Re: Sad tonight
You pegged him JJ! He's definitely a narcissist, and only cares about ppl when they can help him somehow. I'm of no use to him now.
Luckily we live about 5 hrs apart and I know he won't call me, and I'm not contacting him.
It's just hard sometimes when the thoughts don't stop. I'm def conditioned.
Thank you for your response. I don't take any offense to anything you said, I truly appreciate it. You seem sweet and kind yourself. And all any of us can do is be there for one another on these posts, even if it's stuff we don't want to hear, but need too.
Last edited by selfrenewal (August 27, 2016 11:31 am)
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Thread Starter- JJ1966
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Re: Sad tonight
I am happy to be here for you in anyway I can. I am new here too, but everyone supports each other. They let me rant when I need to.
Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.