There is no "good" time to divorce. The kids are never going to be ready for that amount of change either, but sometimes things need to change, and the kids DO deal with it.  My oldest was 14 when I divorced.  I will say that my younger two (10 and 7 or so at the time) handled it much better in many ways.  They just have different challenges at different ages.  My younger two (especially my youngest - a daughter) really missed Daddy when she came home after visitations.  My middle child (son) thought that he was going to "inherit" being gay.  The oldest didn't know what to do with the information - however, it's worth noting that he's the child of mine that has emotional issues anyway (ADHD, likely bi-polar) and doesn't handle ANYthing well - even the status quo.

You will need to be the one to decide when's the time to leave, if that's your decision.  I agree with both Abby and Rob; your marriage is your kids' blueprint for what to look for in their own relationships someday.  If what you have isn't a healthy blueprint, then staying together for the sake of the kids isn't necessarily more beneficial for them.  And yes, your body will tell you when it's time to go.  There will come a point where the thought of staying any longer will strike panic in you. Or your body will tell you that you're not listening - by going into panic attacks, or getting sick all the time.  This kind of problem uses up so much mental energy that at some point, something's gotta give.

The other thing about waiting until the kids are out of H.S. is that it's not necessarily easier on them.  People who divorce often wind up selling the family home due to finances - or because they don't need as much home now that it's just them.  And then the kids have no home base that they're familiar with any longer.  They go away to college and they have their foundation fractured - they come home to place that was never their home, and they don't have the same people and same traditions (like holidays and vacations) any longer either.  Personally, I'd rather re-shape my home life while the kids can learn the new norm - so that when they come home from college for visits, they're coming home to what they were used to before they left.

In situations like yours, I recommend turning your thinking around.  We tend to think of staying as doing nothing, and leaving as something.  So in our minds, it looks like this: Should I break up my family, struggle with finances, risk lonliness, etc. OR..... should I do nothing and just keep dealing with things the way they are?  Well, of COURSE it seems unattractive to leave if you think that way.  Because you're already dealing with things the way they are. So in your mind, it's "should I do this really scary thing, or should I just keep doing what I'm already succeeding at?"  Of course you'd be likely to choose not making a change!  But,.... if you turn the question around, you will see things differently.  What will your life look like in 2 years, 5 years, 20 years if you DON'T leave?  What's it really likely to look like? How will current issues morph over that time?  Will your spouse be MORE aggressive? Will they think that you'll stand even more abuse because you keep staying throughout everything they're doling out?  What will your kids think of you for staying through all that?  Will they see you as weak? Will they see marriage as something they need to suffer for? Will they think the woman always needs to give to the point of self-destruction?  If you continue to put up with more and more crap over years, will you be strong enough then to leave, or will you be so worn down that you'll have no energy to do so?  What.exactly does staying look like once the kids have left for college? Will you be more unhappy then, without the distractions of raising kids?  Once you envision that picture, THAT is what you compare to leaving.  How does that scenario compare with the picture you see of yourself by then if you're divorced and settled again? NOW which scenario can you live with and which one terrifies you?  When I did that, that's what made me leave.  Because staying wasn't the status quo - it was going to morph into something else too - and that scared me even more than going through the divorce and all the uncertainty that comes with it.  The picture in my mind of what staying looked like terrified me far more than the picture of leaving. I'd get panicky when I envisioned staying. I'd think "leaving is going to be so scary", and then I'd think "now think about staying", and I'd practially have a panic attack.

I compare it to getting surgery.  This next week, I'm getting a complete knee replacement on my right knee.  I had the left one replaced 5 years ago. I know exactly what I'm up against this time, and it ain't pretty.  There isn't a single moment in the first FOUR weeks after surgery that you aren't in some amount of pain.  That's a long time! I know the surgery comes with lots of boredom, lots of pain, and lots of hard work and frustration.  Now,.... if I looked at my scenario as "should I keep dealing with this little bit of pain every day, or should I instead go through all that horrible stuff?", of course I'd choose to just keep dealing with the daily pain and limitations that come along with it.  But that's not the question - not really.  The real scenario looks more like this: My knee is causing me daily pain and limitations, to the point where I'm not enjoying my life the way I want to.  I will still need the surgery later - the problem is NOT going to get better - only worse.  So it's not a question of if I should get surgery - it's a question of when.  Later seems good - later is always preferable to now when it comes to painful things.  However, if I do it now, I'll be better in time to enjoy summer.  My insurance is good now - I have no idea if that'll be the case next year - not really.  It's my slow time at work.  If I don't do this now, I'm likely to wait another year for this slow time again, where the poor weather allows me not to miss much during healing.  So.... can I put up with another entire YEAR of this?  HELL NO!  Just do it now.  Get it over with so I can enjoy my life again. Because it's not going to get better until I go through the pain to solve the problem.

With my other knee, I hadn't learned this lesson.  I just kept on keeping on.  Until one day, my knee froze up and was super painful.  Turns out I'd waited far too long - the bone spurs that were growing inside started to chip off and get wedged under my kneecap - between my upper and lower leg bones. I had no choice but to get it replaced at that point.  And the timing was far too rushed and I felt desperate.  If I'd replaed the knee sooner, I'd never have had to go through THAT pain.  And I could have prepared my life a bit better - had the time to make and freeze meals for my young family, gotten all my prescriptions fully stocked so it wasn't so inconvenient for my husband, gotten some clothing that was more condusive to healing, etc.  I should have chosen more wisely.  I'll never make that mistake again.  Putting off the enivitable was NOT the wise decision.  It produced panic and pain that I could have avoided if I'd chosen more wisely.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (March 23, 2018 11:03 am)

Mr Count it helping me that you say what str8 men like, to show me normal men thinking about sex.  Thx.

Kel & Abby I plan now to get out by summer.  But no more his way in bed and mo more sex even if he says it can be traditionel or vanilla. I will need to force my way out hoping better life, changing lives for many.