Ugh that is sickening, it goes to show that most of us are sooooo wrong when we think they haven’t cheated. I’m glad that you’ve found proof though and now you know exac what you’re dealing with. Make copies of those photos, email them to yourself, keep them safe.

Can you confide in your mom or sister? I would divorce the ass off him. What a shit. I’m so sorry.

I won't burden my mother with any of this.  She is in her early 90's and she's already distraught over having to move out of her home and into a facility.  I'm supposed to be cheering her up.

My sister is maybe a better prospect, but again, she's in mourning.  Her eldest daughter (my niece) died last summer after a very long lingering illness and hospitalization.  My sister has been in a tailspin over that.

It will be challenging for me to play it neutral in front of my daughter, but it's one of those things -- I can't let it slip and then burden her with secrecy, just to unburden myself.  When I tell her, it has to be at the point where she has the freedom to respond how she sees fit.  

JenS wrote:

walkbymyself, 

That was a stomach turning discovery!     

Literally, not figuratively.  I'm still choking back nausea.

walk  (you're not by yourself..you are just not),

It is a shock..  I remember hacking my GXs stuff and what I read...the blood just drained from my face and I felt light headed.
Your intuiution/bones/gut  ...call it what you will.   You now know not to doubt yourself and follow through
on your plans.. Do what needs to be done..your kids need one sane and moral parent that is looking out for them and not hurting the family.
It makes no difference either in my state ...unless your spouse is an ax murderer a divorce is simply a business thing.   BUT  I took pictures and saved everything because;
1.  I wanted it as evidence that I could produce should things turn really bad.  Of course I would
2.  More so... I wanted it to remind myself that I was not crazy and she was really doing all this horrible stuff despite telling me I was at fault.  To combat the gaslighting which is a horrible feeling when they do that. 

So so sorry.,...  but deep in your bones you felt and knew. and were already taking steps.(kudos to you).. And you also saw how he would hurt you and even your daughter to keep his secret.   You now have all the evidence that so many dont get.. and you observed the clear lying to your face..   Walk forward doing what needs to be done...calm, steady, stoic resolve.    Do not dwell on the why or the hurt now...just do what needs to be done. 

 

Ellexoh wrote:

I was going to post this on the MOM board but not sure if you'd see it Walkby.....

Acting on your intuition, and finding what you found 
would be 'the tipping point' for me. But I feel it must be like climbing a mountain but finding there's a cliff-face
to scale to get down the other side, and no recognition of the struggle.

SOMETIMES...I wish I could find proof of 'something'.
MOST TIMES...I want to believe he's working on US as much as I am
The stockings have gone, the bag of toys are here no longer. He is home every night & every weekend.
I don't see him watching porn/reading erotica anymore. But mistrust is like the lichen that grew on the decks 
we used to clean & stain. Hard to get rid of, and I have to keep working at it. And believe that he is too.

Reading the stories of husbands & partners who have gone so far into their 'journey' that they leave no doubt 
the marriage/r'ship is doomed.....I'm almost envious that *I* don't have the confirmation that some of you have. 
 

I know exactly what you mean.  Until I saw what I saw, it didn't seam nearly as real to me.  Or, quite honestly, as disgusting.  I think where you are, mentally, is where I was a while ago.  I had to look in that trunk, just because knowing is better than not knowing.

I'm actually terrified of facing the lawyer.  When I was visiting my sister over Easter, I told her what was going on.  In part, I think I did that because she's really bossy, and I didn't want myself to wimp out.  I wanted to force myself to talk to the lawyer.

So I think our financial picture is not so great, and will be even worse if we divorce, and I'm going back and forth about whether I should just tell my husband I need a formalized separation agreement that provides for my financial support.  As I said in my initial post, I can't really trust him or rely on his word, but on the other hand I can tell him he has forfeited his credibility on financial issues and going forward I need to have access to every single account, credit card, whatever, not to withdraw money, but just to make sure he is not spending money on his sexual dalliances.  

There are a few plot twists at the moment: our daughter graduates from college in a month, and she doesn't have a job.  So she's coming back home.  Under the best of circumstances this would create a million tensions around this house, and now is not exactly the best of circumstances.