My husband of 28 years has always cheated in one way or another. We’ve been together since I was 19. The only man I ever kissed ever dated.  I was a child of sexual abuse and I was bound and determined to give my heart to someone worthy.  Someone I could trust. My father was a serial cheater. I was like I’m never putting up with that shit. Ever.  My husbands been cheating in different ways throughout our marriage.  I was aware he watched shemale porn ever since we got a computer. But I ignored it. It was his dirty secret. If I ever confronted him up came the wall. Do you think I’m gay! I’m not! How dare you!  I know I’m disgusting there’s something wrong with me. And I’d comfort him. Saying it’s just your kink it’s ok. Two years ago our of nowhere he up and walked out. Saying once again. I treat him so badly. I never trust him. I don’t make him happy from lack of trust.  For the last 28 years from what I know it was mostly online affairs with woman.  When he had left two years ago I became a pro at detective work online. I discovered he had been on a porn site talking to men for over 5 years. Saying I’m curious about sucking a dick, slowly progressing to wanna meet up to mutually jerk each other off? I found online sites with his actual photo looking to hook up with cds, tranny’s, fem boys for discreet casual sex.  He had a kik account and a Skype account for video sexting. All the while at the same time as doing this with men he was doing this with women too. He admitted to all of this as well as trying to start relationships with 4 different women. Got a blow job from a stranger (says was a woman) and had a 10 month affair with another woman prior to his leaving.  I was an absolute mess for 3 months. I couldn’t get out of bed nothing. The worst mother ever.  Just when I was up and back at life he comes strolling in. Saying let’s go to counseling I’m a fucked up soul I love you so much. I’m not going to be that man anymore.  And we went to counseling. A year of intense therapy $150 a pop once a week. We talked about everything except the men. Cause he said he was too ashamed.  He became so fucking wonderful. Whatever I wanted he did. Everyone loves him. They couldn’t believe how happy we were and admired our marriage. Well almost two years to the day. He up and walked out again. The same song and dance. You will never trust me. I’m not that monster anymore. I’ve been so wonderful. And I could tell two months ago something was up. I’d ask him baby what’s wrong. I can feel it somethings wrong. How dare you accuse me of being a monster he’d say. Well when he left I pulled his phone records. He was talking sexting a woman he met at a porn site. I called her and she spoke to me. Tried claiming it was only for talk. Nothing overly sexual. I returned to our therapist that I we had been seeing told her about the tranny porn and she stopped me saying. He’s gay. He just can’t accet it. He’s using you. He loves you in his own way but he can never fully love you. You don’t have a penis and he doesn’t even love himself. When i told him what she said up came the defenses. I am not gay!  How dare you!  That’s disgusting!  But after a few days he admitted he had just watched gay porn and masturbated than cried afterwards because he’s so disgusting.   He says he watches all types of porn. But mostly shamale , lesbian and gay.  The thought of being gay makes him sick. He said he will kill him self if he is.  Obviously I have to divorce him.  Im not sure if he’s bi or gay. The woman confuse me. Was he trying to prove to himself he’s a real man because he can get a woman? I told him I dont get it. Yes I’d love to have lesbian sex. It may be great. But I don’t want to live with a woman. I don’t want to cuddle.  Hold hands and kiss. If I weren’t married and it happened ok but I don’t long for it. I’m not imagining it.  That’s where he stopped me and said but I long to be with a tranny. They look like a woman but have a dick. I think about it constantly. But I’m not gay. At least I hope I’m not. When I ask him questions he says I don’t know, he describes incredible self loathing that he’s   a horrible human being, a monster and disgusting . I need this divorce. I get it now. But he somehow expects me to be his friend through all of this. Our 25 year old says mom. He wants to go sex crazy and have you on a string waiting for him. Just Incase. The cherry on top was the day he left I went to get checked for stds. And he gave me trichomonosi. Who’s he claims must be from the one time oral sexy or the 1 month affair with a woman. Right now I think he is a fucking monster. A horrible despicable human.  I’m all cried out. I’m in shock mode. How the hell do I recover from this. How do I understand it.  The women confuse me. What the fuck is he thinking.  Our entire life together four kids later it’s all been a lie.

Last edited by Sadmomma (March 27, 2018 7:25 pm)