And people that are selfish and use other people and lie to their spouse need a MAJOR upset or awakening to change. They aren't going to change just because someone tells them they should! They've got things going their way, they like the status quo, and will continue to cover up and do their own thing. This major change will be impossible to miss. So unless you see it, doubt that it happened.

Thanks, Everyone! I know this is up to me and what I'm comfortable with  - which is SO HARD to figure out! Ugh! Not to mention my dad knows what is going on and HATES him now and I'm sure my friends (that know) are thinking what the heck?! 

Another thing that stumps me - I read on here about so many people that say their spouse didn't ever want to have sex...mine hasn't been that way at all! He wants it all the time.....another confusing piece to this  

Dear ca,

I know that there is so much to try and figure out and that your mind is spinning and looking for explanations right now.  There are a couple of factors you point to in hopes that your guy is straight that may not really be things to hang your hat on: 

(1)  Sex:  I myself write on here that the sex was absent in the end.  Let me clarify my story.  The sex with my H was amazing, mind-blowing and frequent - 1-2 times a day everyday the first 3 years we were together.  It is a factor into hooking me into pursuing a long-term relationship. We were soul mates and best friends and he could not keep his hands off of me.  Once we got married, almost immediately it was if a switch turned off in his head.  The frequency continued for another year, but the intimacy started to wane.  We were young, going to grad school, working and I just chalked it up to the hours we were putting into our careers and the lack of time we had together. 4 more years the sex was still good but the frequency became less and less.  Once again I chalked it up to the "normal" slow down of marriage and work etc.  3 more years here and 4 more years there and 2 more for good measure and I end up with a sexless marriage and I am not sure why. I try oils and lotions, trips to Victoria Secret, feathers and toys, greeting him naked at the door.  Nothing is jump starting his dead battery.  At this point, thanks to gas lighting, I am not sure if it is him or me or whether I even care. Thereafter, he has all kinds of physical excuses for why he can't do it and why he has to sleep in another room. We have kids, boy is that another good excuse for him to have sex and eventually he ends up outright blaming me for ruining his sex life.  Which is kind of funny to me now since he was having lots of sex, just not with me. I think he was really blaming me for not being a man; for not turning him straight, for not curing his problems and being an "oversexed" woman.  Ugh.  I don't think that my story is unusual.  What you read on the board here is Str8 spouses that have been in 15-40 year long marriages.  I can guarantee you that most of them started with good sexual relationships where the partner treats us like we are the Bomb.  The mind blowing sex and the adulation they shower upon us in the beginning is the lure and the hook to catching us. We spend the rest of our marriages trying to rekindle the flame and find Prince Charming again. It keeps us stuck.  Some of us are mere beards for GIDs and some of our partners truly loved us but they eventually can no longer deny their SSA.  Finally, often times the GID spouse will increase the attention and the sex when they sense the other spouse is catching on to their other life; eventually the Str8 Spouse falls into denial and the sex and loving attention lessen again.  

(2)  Manly Men:  Gay men and women come in all shapes and sizes.  My H was a HS and College Football player. He was manly with his friends and he was from a male-dominated family where sports trophies adorned a whole room and Mom sprayed testosterone instead of Febreze.  I never ever had an inkling he was gay.  Heck, I didn't find out about the gay part until years after we were divorced.  Manliness does not ensure Straightness. Many outright gay men are masculine.  The stereo-type of an effeminate man and a butch women are just that. 

I guess what I am trying to say is stay focused on the main issue.  Your H (and your marital counselor) seem to be taking you off track.  Don't let them force you to chase after red herrings.  You will end up 20+ years down the road wondering why you weren't strong enough to stand up to their bull.

Consider getting a counselor just for you.

Last edited by WendiT (August 18, 2016 10:06 am)

When my father first met my partner he knew something was off, although I couldn't see it. God how I wish I would have heeded his advice. But I'm thankful he passed away without knowing how my partner decimated my life - it would have tortured him.

Your father knows and now hates this guy bc he's screwing with his precious daughter - he'll never like this guy and that'll be tough to deal with if you stay married. Imagine what Christmas and thanksgiving will be like. My mom knows everything and has been my bestfriend through everything, but I've had to convince her to tolerate and like my ex - that wasn't easy.

Finally, I had to cut all of my friends out of my life who knew because, although they supported me, I became too embarrassed to face them knowing I chose to stay in such a shitty relationship. I regret that so much bc I threw away beautiful friendships bc of shame - shame that wasn't even mine or that I caused. Although they supported me and never outright said they disliked him, they hated him and what he did to me. And rightfully so. When my relationship finally ended I had NO ONE to support me (except my mom).

Your closest people, who are on the outside of your relationship have a great perspective, and only want what's best for you. I would greatly consider their opinions and "play the tape forward" or visualize your future relationships with friends and family should you choose to stay.

I'll also say we had a great sex life throughout. We only had brief periods where we wouldn't have sex or it lacked true intimacy. But this definitely didn't occur in the beginning.

Also, it may be helpful to frame this situation in a different way - what if instead of gay porn, it was his ex-gf? you found out he'd been looking at an old gf's naked pictures, which at first he said was by accident. Then he admitted that he was getting off to her pictures and admitted that he wanted to sleep with her again but didn't bc he was afraid of getting a disease (or maybe bc she had a bf - either way, that option was momentarily unavailable). He promises he won't look at this again, but it's a compulsion and he will continue to look at her pictures behind your back. Is this something you could live with forever? What if she became available and he decided to sleep with her, would that be okay? I think we spend WAY too long trying to figure them out and what being gay actually means. You're framing the question as whether you can accept that he's attracted to men or is actually gay, but if we simplify it and realize it's more about the deception the situation becomes clearer. I use an ex-gf example and not "regular" porn bc there's an intimate connection btwn him and the gay porn like there'd be with an old gf, and also compulsion. Hope this helps.

Last edited by selfrenewal (August 18, 2016 5:36 pm)

For me, it's time for the weirdness to end. I've had enough of it at home. Yes, I'll be in some drab apartment with cheap furniture and only get to see the children some days, but at least I won't have to deal with her and those unpredictable moods and rejection of my affection.

A good friend told me, "Give her enough rope and she'll hang herself." Not that I wish her ill but she doesn't know the trials for which she has set herself up.

A woman once told us of her diseased leg. The doctor told her, it's going to kill you if we don't cut it off. She said, "That's my leg!" Finally the truth sunk in, and she accepted it, and told him, "Cut the damn leg off!" That saved her life.

Pray and be strong as you do the right thing!