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- lily
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Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband
Demons-halo wrote:
It's sad Lily because if she did change her mind and want to fix us and put things back together I would in a heartbeat. But honestly I don't see that happening from her end.
It often happens, DH - when the relationship fails with the woman she is crushing on. Or - and this tends to happen where the girlfriend is also married - they decide they want to stay married for all the reasons you would imagine except love for their husbands.
It's a lot to give up - a stable family home and the support it gives, both personal and for child rearing.
At the moment your wife is dancing on your bones DH. yes you do need to push back. Your wife should be worrying that you will divorce her whether she likes it or not, not taunting you with it.
Now, I'm just going to point this out - you are saying to her that while you are married you don't want her to date. She is saying to you what she does is none of your business. (my ex said that to me too). What this says to me is that you are romantically still engaged in the marriage and she, and this is the tough but necessary bit - she has never been romantically engaged in the marriage. Can you imagine ever saying that to her?
I can imagine saying it to someone I wasn't married to. I cannot imagine saying it the way my ex said it - him being gay was none of my business, what he did romantically was none of my business.
DH you need to protect yourself. Emotionally, financially. Staying married when the marriage is over is such a tempting proposition but nothing is static, it wears thin pretty quick.
wishing you all the best, and lots of very good luck, Lily.
Last edited by lily (March 19, 2018 5:20 pm)
- iamthelorax
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Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband
I think you make a good observation. I don't recall any men on this forum saying that their wives manipulated them into helping feed the female's attraction to another female. I think our ex-wives manipulated us to avoid having sex with us. I would guess that most of us thought our wives just had very low sex drive.
Right on so many levels. My ex made sex feel like a guilt-ridden game of "wake the dead". She also convinced me she had a low sex drive when evidently she must have been doing just fine on the sly.
I was even convinced I was having problems in that area myself. Now that I'm in a new relationship with a heterosexual woman, suddenly the problems went away.
- Demons-halo
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Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband
It's sad Lily because if she did change her mind and want to fix us and put things back together I would in a heartbeat. But honestly I don't see that happening from her end.
It often happens, DH - when the relationship fails with the woman she is crushing on. Or - and this tends to happen where the girlfriend is also married - they decide they want to stay married for all the reasons you would imagine except love for their husbands.
It's a lot to give up - a stable family home and the support it gives, both personal and for child rearing.
At the moment your wife is dancing on your bones DH. yes you do need to push back. Your wife should be worrying that you will divorce her whether she likes it or not, not taunting you with it.
Now, I'm just going to point this out - you are saying to her that while you are married you don't want her to date. She is saying to you what she does is none of your business. (my ex said that to me too). What this says to me is that you are romantically still engaged in the marriage and she, and this is the tough but necessary bit - she has never been romantically engaged in the marriage. Can you imagine ever saying that to her?
I can imagine saying it to someone I wasn't married to. I cannot imagine saying it the way my ex said it - him being gay was none of my business, what he did romantically was none of my business.
DH you need to protect yourself. Emotionally, financially. Staying married when the marriage is over is such a tempting proposition but nothing is static, it wears thin pretty quick.
wishing you all the best, and lots of very good luck, Lily.
Your right Lily I am still very engaged in the marriage more then I should be and I know this. I just have this hope that it will get better. That hope gets worn away little by little. I hear the backhanded comments my kids say that my wife just ignores or brushes off. Saying things like well it's to be expected that they are going to want us together. You said something which hit me as the heart of the matter. It's something I figured out a while ago and it is the main reason for the hurt and anxiety and the anger and the main thing that made me post here. I romantically put my heart into this marriage this whole relationship. She didn't. That right there is the reason I feel used,angry,like this was a lie and the longer and more you put in to the relationship the more it hurts and the deeper the scars when they come out. The straight spouse put in 100% to the relationship. The Gid put in enough to maintain a cover. I recently told my wife I feel split in two. I can see her side of things but I see and feel my side to. Its like I can't get out of husband mode. In my situation raising the kids together being surrounded by memories of us doesn't make it easier. Her bedroom right now has zero memories of us attached to it. So she has her safe place to run to. I have tried explaining that to her when she goes on her rants about me not moving forward but she doesn't understand it. And before it is said yes I know I should move out but honestly financially that is beyond my means at the moment.
Another point is their ability to disconnect from the relationship and their spouse much easier then the straight spouse. Since they didn't put as much into the relationship as the straight spouse did this leads to Communication Breakdown where we can try to explain how we feel and it falls on deaf ears and them not understanding because the connection wasn't there for them in the first place. Which then comes back around and makes us feel the hurt and the pain and the Betrayal all over again with A side effect of making us think that maybe we are the problem. A vicious self feeding cycle of wanting to be there for them but being reminded of what they did.
Last edited by Demons-halo (March 24, 2018 11:11 am)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband
Demons-halo,
I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now, having to stay in the house that was your house together, feeling the memories you made there, and be hit at every turn with the reminder that she has checked out of the marriage, and, as well, to watch her so callously detach from and discard you.
What you say about their ability to disconnect matches my own experience. I am five days into having moved into my place, and it is chilling to me to hear the language my stbx uses to me when I have to communicate with him (I still have a lot in "our" house; we are still splitting things financially, etc). I think, however, that the "communication breakdown" is due to more than their not having been connected. I think they also cannot bear to admit to themselves the depth of their betrayal of us. They tend to see themselves as victims--of a hetero-normative or homophobic society, or of their family, or of us--and feel justified in everything they've done, or are doing, or want to do. I think it's a rare case in which the gay/lesbian/trans spouse accepts the responsibility for their deception, actions, and betrayal.
- Demons-halo
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Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband
I'm going to start a new thread over in support when I get a chance and stop hijacking this one. I have a lot more to say and I thank you all for the support.
You guys and gals are awesome.
Last edited by Demons-halo (March 24, 2018 4:14 pm)
- lily
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Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband
HI DH,
yes, start a new thread when you can, that's a good idea. Just asking here, but is it a situation where you have to move out? couldn't she move out?
DH, I am struggling at the moment, I've just written about 5 paragraphs and deleted them in turn. Can I just make some blunt statements and see how that goes...
your heart - you need to sort the fly-shit from the pepper and this is what you are doing. it takes time, you need to do it. but just to cut to the chase you got hoodwinked. Your love did not fail. You did not fail - to be vulnerable is to be brave and human.
your wife is not the person you believe she is. You have been attributing qualities to her - filling in the gaps with what you know, i.e. what you are like - it's just the way our minds work. But now you are seeing that she is different and she is manipulative where you are sincere.
I remember when I first saw that with my ex, what a moment! I was standing at the kitchen sink and he was nearby at the kettle. He was angry with me, and I was a heartbeat from giving my usual apologetic response and embarking on trying to work out what he was angry about and what I could do about it when I just didn't. It was an aikido moment! you know that sport where you turn your opponent's energy back on themselves. well I just flicked his anger straight back at him. I squared up looked him in the eye and said something back in an angry tone. omg - he backed down, he became conciliatory, he was quite calm - he had been manipulating me all along.
sincerity is not a crime. all you have proved to yourself is what a good husband you will make when you meet the right woman and what a good father you are.
be kind to yourself at all times and fight!
wishing you the best, Lily