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- Kel
- Member
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Re: Gay/bi partner doesn't want to lose you?
My ex only "love bombed" me for a few days after I told him I wanted a divorce. I'd been unhappy for over 10 years at that point, and I didn't know for sure that he was gay. But I had figured out that my happiness wasn't his concern (when I would tell him I was unhappy, he'd tell me he wasn't - as if only HIS happiness mattered. My unhappiness didn't affect him whatsoever). Once I figured out that nothing was going to change and became more scared of my future WITH him than without him, and got my brain ready for being blamed by my own family for ruining my children's lives, I told him I wanted out. His response was to tell me that a) He didn't believe in divorce, so I therefore b) COULDN'T divorce him. Then, over the next several days, he tried love bombing me. It was quite comical in a way - he was doing things he'd NEVER done during our relationship, which meant that he did know of ways that he thought would make me feel more loved, but just never pulled them out, even when I'd threatened divorce or told him I was unhappy. I remember part of our conversation on that very first night was that NOW he got that I was SERIOUS about divorce - all the other times I'd told him that's where we were heading, he just didn't think it was a reality. That, to me, meant that UNTIL it affected him in a concrete way, he had no intention of doing any work to make me happy. THAT was offensive to me - very much so. STILL he was doing what was good for HIM - because he though this would change my mind and get him what HE wanted. It STILL wasn't about MY happiness. That ticked me off to no end. It was him shouting loud and clear to me that no, he wasn't incapable of being different - he had it in him all along. He just didn't f'ing FEEL like it.
I'd get home from work and he'd greet me at the door with a hug and attempt to kiss me. "Hey kids,.... MOMMY's home!" Like I was some big deal. House would be all clean, dinner in the oven, and he'd try to follow me upstairs to help me undress and offer me a back rub. I couldn't get a damned back rub when I was in LABOR and asked for it. NOW you want to give me what I want? Get away from me! He started posting on FB about how much he loved and appreciated his wife (Oh, how nice - now I'm going to look like an asshole when I announce divorce). I told him on like, day 2 (after declining his offers to help me up to that point) that while I understood that he was trying to keep something important to him and of course this was the natural thing to do, it wasn't going to work. It was pissing me off that I'd asked for one damned bit of attention for over a freaking DECADE, and NOW he wants to give it to me? When I've declared that I'm DONE? This is insulting. And it's NOT going to work. There is no way to convince me to stay. This is too little, too late. Now you're just pissing me off.
And you know what? He.Stopped. Once he realized that I was serious and that all this attention and love bombing wasn't going to gain him anything, he quit darned quick. He never was doing it for ME - he was doing it so he could have what he wanted. Once he was aware that his actions weren't going to have his intended outcome, he stopped that right quick.
Love bombing may feel good. But once you see it for the selfish manipulation it truly is, it will make you even angrier. It's.Not.REAL.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Steen
- Member
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Re: Gay/bi partner doesn't want to lose you?
Kel, you write it so well.
After my previous posts, I have tried writing here again, but never able to finish several attempts. Been partly tired and confused, and partly maturing in this.
And I guess it is because I am just in this phase now. Following a long period of talk and trying to understand the person I married, I was left maybe more confused than before. But I feel I know more. And that is the core. I have to seek and find what I need to know, and this with less of the real truth ever being told. That is difficult. I will probably need to find this in myself.
Because she benefits from every level of confusion, and does not try to avoid confusion/clarify/honesty etc. Other than telling me she loves me and always has.
After admitting feelings, desires and confirming some of my suspicions, I was left with half truths, denial of previous admitted half truths, and she saying some of what she told me was not true. And the common thing with all her stories was that someone else was to "blame". And a lot of what she says is different from how she acts, bodylanguage etc.
So, even though some issues are so obvious to me, I am still left with confusion and little proof. And it is diffucult to decide (for certain), that her "lovebombing" is her wish to stay with me, for Kel's listed reasons, and not real love.
And then I tell myself again, I would not feel this confused, been on this site, and crave to be desired like i do, if things were right.
And like I said, she uses every aspect of my doubt and confusion, as well as my wish not to rip the kids' family apart, to keep her facade, her safe haven, and avoid to be seen as "one of those". And "she is not bisexual and very much not lesbian", still says what she told me is not untrue... (!?) If having sexual thoughts of female colleagues is real, but not even a bicurious side/phase, and very difficult to talk about, what is it then?
Reading your texts Kel, I feel I live in the "school book" example of a wife in denial.
And I really think, that if she was totally straight, she would not have stayed after I expressed my thoughts and asked my questions, and was feeling I was still not content. Maybe she would suggest to continue therapy?
I feel her wish to "repair" in the way she does, with everything about pleasing me in general, but does not want to continue therapy, or talk, is because she does not want to lose me. And I feel it is for the wrong reasons. Because its not on both's terms.
I feel I am using the time to letting her go more and more. And I focus on the wonderful gifts, my two kids, from these years.
Kel, thanks. You write truly amazing in my opinion.
- Debbie
- Member
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Re: Gay/bi partner doesn't want to lose you?
Yes this is happening to me but there is no way I'm falling for it. He's been doing this for 6 months , think they call it love bombing. Not no more though cause I'm never gonner reply to any of his txts , messages or anything unless it's about divorce