Thank you everyone for sharing. I'm reposting my original message because I believe it's important for straight spouses who start posting here to IMMEDIATELY get tested for STDs and practice only safe sex with their husbands. Here again is my original post:

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Good day everyone. I have to disagree with members asking that Gary's thread be taken down. I think it's an invaluable and instructive insight in the gay husband's mind...and manipulations. For all the straight wives who suspect their husbands are gay, in just a few posts Gary has perfectly demonstrated just why it is so very difficult for both the gay and straight spouses to end their relationship. So personally I want to thank Gary for his invaluable contribution to this site. I hope he and his wife find happiness, separately. 

Here are the things I've learned from Gary's posts:

1. Gay-straight marriages are abusive and neglectful sexless relationships pretending ​to be loving marriages. 
2. Gay husbands (like me) never really loved their straight wives, we used you purely as cover to hide our homosexuality.
3. Most gay-in-denial husbands are (or at least act like) toxic narcissists and yet we crave approval/validation other than from our wives.
​4. While a gay-in-denial husband can lie to himself, his wife, and others, his mind eventually breaks down because of the strain of living in the closet and pretending to be the perfect husband/father. 
​5. While closeted, or semi closeted, the gay husband actually believes the lies he's telling. 
​6. In my opinion, the only way a straight wife can find freedom is to divorce. Her gay husband will never leave.  

​And here is the proof I found directly from Gary's posts:

​1. Gay/straight marriages are abusive:  

 "I am 54 yo and have been married for 27+ years...When my wife and I have sex, I do my best to enjoy her and only her.  I'll admit that sometimes I fail and gay thoughts seep into my brain but it isn't about anyone in particular.  I genuinely try to honor my wife's efforts at sex.  We don't do it very often but it does happen a few times per year...Now my wife may see me looking at some men and read my thoughts.  I'm not sure about this and I really don't find all that many men attractive.  To misquote Jerry Seinfeld, 98% of all the men out there are undatable!   In this same vein, months, even years can go by without either of us mentioning TGT.  I don't bring it up often because I know it is uncomfortable for her at the best.  I don't think it's on her mind very much because of this but I could be wrong...I am ashamed to say that I do look at porn.  It is infrequent and, yes, my wife knows that I do it on occasion."

2. Gay husbands (like me) never really loved their straight wives, we used you purely as cover to hide our homosexuality.

​"So fast forward to age 25.  I meet my wife and we instantly become best friends, then lovers, and then we get married.  I'm still in denial through all of this. As a matter of fact, when my wife and I were dating I would even go so far as to stop at an adult bookstore on my way home from a date with her to buy gay porn." 

3. Most gay-in-denial husbands are (or at least act like) toxic narcissists, wearing masks of perfection while also hating ourselves. We also crave other's approval/validation while neglecting our loved ones.

​"I did basically say that I was good guy...Today I volunteered to go paint and repair a house flooded by Hurricane Harvey.  Since I am old, fat, out-of-shape, and unaccustomed to manual labor, I am POOPED!  So I'm going to bed early...​If you have some money earmarked for charities that you haven't decided where to spend, the need is still great here in Houston...Fast forward again 20 years and in May 2017 my youngest graduates from college and begins her career.  The gay man in me doesn't let me forget my vow.  I had raised my children.  My job was done...My wife told me that if I felt that I needed to leave that she wouldn't hold it against me and we'd always be friends but that if I were going to leave to do it sooner rather than later so she would have time to find someone new as well.  That really messed me up.  I'd rather her say that she'd never speak to me again.  I can live with the former but not with the later.  Perhaps it was a loving gesture but I wish she'd never said that.  It opened the door to the closet and I haven't been able to get back in and close the door since.  Where we go from here I do not know yet..." 

4. While a gay-in-denial husband can lie to himself, his wife, and others, his mind eventually breaks down because of the strain of living in the closet while pretending to be the perfect husband/father. 

​"...So I sink into a deep depression...Back 20 years ago I went to group therapy for sex addiction and also attended one SAA meeting. Depression affects more than the person who has it.  My wife and I go through some tough times for the next year or more and then a social worker type counselor convinces me that I should get a divorce and live as a gay man or that I would never be happy and possibly commit suicide.  I initially agreed and went home and told my wife.  She and I began making plans to spit.  Very difficult.  As part of these plans we had to tell our families why we were separating and so I outed myself.  It did not go well but no one has talked about it in 20 years.  The counselor wasn't right but she wasn't completely wrong either....I once again sunk into a very bad depression complete with lots of anxiety.  My psychiatrist prescribed a new (but very expensive) antidepressant that at least seemed to calm the obsessive thinking.  It was less successful at fixing the depression and anxiety that still exists today.  I'm okay while my mind is busy but when it is at rest it goes back to try and solve the problem.  At the recommendation of my psychiatrist I saw a couple of psychologist for counseling.  They didn't help at all...Where we go from here I do not know yet.  I'm still committed to growing old with this woman but I don't know how long I can stand the depression."

5. While closeted, or semi closeted, the gay husband actually believes the lies he's telling and part of this is subtly shifting the blame to his wife for staying together, not having sex, or the relationship's breakdown.  

​"One night when we were in bed I told her that I was bisexual.  She was rather upset with me for a day or two.  Honestly I thought she had figured it out already.  Before that she would regularly make jokes about me being bisexual or cheating on her with another man so I was a little surprised by her reaction...I meant no harm but I wound up hurting the person I love the most...Also I am of the belief that I married my wife for the right reason.  I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.  It was real.  It is real  Yes, I also looked at it as a cure for my homosexuality as well but I truly love her.  I didn't marry her as a cover or a beard or anything like that.  She was not and is not a placeholder until something better comes along.  I suspect your marriage started out the same way.  Enjoy your memories of when you first loved your GEXH.  That love could certainly have been genuine...However, when looked into the faces of my beautiful kids I knew I could not leave them.  So I vowed that I was going to raise my kids even if it killed me.  I got down on my knees and prayed to God that if he wasn't going to remove this burden from me that at least give me the strength to handle it until I raised my kids." 

And later: 

​"I've done many things that I'm not proud of but I have not cheated on my wife...She said she would stay with me as long as I didn't cheat and so I haven't...Back 20 years ago I went to group therapy for sex addiction and also attended one SAA meeting...I would even go so far as to stop at an adult bookstore on my way home from a date with her to buy gay porn​...I would stop on the way home and shall we say, consume porn. I am ashamed to say that I do look at porn.  It is infrequent and, yes, my wife knows that I do it on occasion...So what are some of these things beyond lying to her before/when we were married.  There are probably many that I don't remember but during the first crisis about 20 years ago...What I most feel badly about here is that before the internet, when there was an adult bookstore seemingly on every corner.​" 

6. In my opinion, the only way a straight wife can find freedom is to divorce. Her gay husband will never leave because he's too scared.  

​"I'm still committed to growing old with this woman but I don't know how long I can stand the depression...My wife and I had "the talk" that I wrote about planning yesterday regarding what she wants.  It wasn't a good time for it but I thought I might as get it out of the way while I had the courage.  Sure enough, it upset her to talk about it.  I told her to take her time and think about it.  I told her I wanted to stay and continue the good, although flawed, relationship we have and the depression is getting slowly better but I couldn't promise anything about that.  She said she'd think about it and get back to me in a couple of days. She's really happy when we don't talk about TGT.  I told her to tell me this thing and then I'd put the subject back in the closet with me. I know that's not healthy but we'll wait and see what she says...I have thought several times over the past few months that perhaps I should end the marriage--not for my sake but for hers."

​What follows is now purely my opinion and I should stress to anyone reading this that I'm not a psychiatrist nor a mental health professional. I'm just a gay ex-husband who divorced his wife. So here are some practical points I'm trying to make for any straight spouse wondering whether to stay in a "not so bad" marriage or separate/divorce.

​1. You're never going to hear the whole truth from a closeted or semi-closeted husband.    

​Facts don't lie. Unfortunately, gay-in-denial husbands lie as easily and effortlessly as breathing. As Gary has demonstrated in his very open and courageous posts, spending a lifetime in the closet alters our perception of reality. I believe this is why a gay husband can claim to have "never cheated" while in a subsequent post writing that he went to counselling for sex addiction. Clearly, these two statements contradict each other, but strangely not to a closeted man. Whether gay or straight, a cheating husband will always do several things: minimize ("It happened just once"); rationalize ("I was molested as a child which is why I sleep around"); blame ("My wife and I no longer have sex because she's gained weight, doesn't ask for sex enough, asks for sex too often, the apartment isn't clean...blah blah blah); or flat-out lie about it ("I never cheated. You're the one cheating!"). So a straight wife is never going to hear the truth from a husband who started lying about his sexuality around age 5 or 6. So he'll do everything possible to explain away his homosexuality. Thankfully facts don't lie. Porn histories don't lie. Craigslist messages don't lie. Used condoms, wierd stains, sex toys, and kinky underwear don't lie. It's these facts that bring straight a spouse here, not his slippery rationalizations. 

​2. The gay spouse suffers from the worst kind of self-hatred. So he's too scared to end the relationship himself, but he'll do everything possible to try to get you to end it. 

​This is what gay husbands do to "smoke out" their straight wives: cheat on you; stop having sex with you; emotionally abuse you (by making "jokes" about your weight for example); neglect you and your children ("I just have to leave on another business trip. Yes that Dave from the office will be joining me again"); and make you feel like everything wrong with the relationship is your fault. It's cruel, deliberate, and soul-destroying. We do this because we hate ourselves and strangely take it out on you for staying. But rather than bury my corpse of a relationship, my wife and I staggered on like zombies, fueled not by love but by truckloads of anti-depressants, and supported by an army of paid counsellors, preachers, or online enablers. Keep in mind that society does everything to keep a couple together, even in the most extreme circumstances like a gay/straight relationship. The truth is gay/straight marriages simply don't work. If you disagree, read this post from a gay husband who tried a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) and regretted it:

​"Having been the man attracted to other men in a "don't ask/don't tell" MOM from the ages of 26 - 43, I now see our MOM as a weak decision that only delayed dealing with the fundamental problem in our marriage. For most of those 17 years, I believed the connection we had was far more important than sex or sexuality; marriage is not based on sex - it's based on love, values, day-to-day compatibility and shared long-term goals!  And although I still believe those qualities are the foundation for a successful marriage, I now add another: authentic desire.  A "best friends" marriage isn't such a bad thing (especially if you feel you have no other choice), but a marriage without mutual authentic desire is not something any young person should settle for.  You are not meant to be a piece of art that hangs on the wall for your husband to admire from a distance.  You are meant to be loved, body and soul, with unbound intimacy.  If you do not receive ALL of that love and intimacy, you will gradually devolve into a shriveled, malnourished house plant - alive, yes, but really only existing. Maybe an open relationship is an easier way to transition out of a "good" but unsatisfying marriage.  Maybe it's a way to move on in the short-run without completely blowing up your lives.  For both my wife and I, looking back, I think we regret spending too many of our younger years together.  When I came out to her at 26 we should have split up.  Yes, it would have been ugly and painful and horribly, horribly humiliating for both of us...but looking back...we each sacrificed 17 years to the other and that was a much higher price to pay." 

​3. You have to take a leap of faith and end your gay/straight relationship. The longer you delay, the harder it gets. 

​Given everything I've read here and my own experience, I firmly believe that gay men cannot remain married to straight wives. For the reasons that I've provided both above and in my own thread, to remain in the marriage is to choose a cruel, abusive, and loveless relationship completely devoid of intimacy. Compatibility isn't love. Comfort isn't love. But the end of any relationship has its complications. Decoupling is hard, particularly when young children are involved. Whenever a straight wife starts posting here, I often give the following advice:

​a. Get tested immediately for STDs.
​b. Only practice safe sex with your gay husband (after you confront him, he'll likely pursue sex with you to prove to you and himself that he's straight). 
​c. Build a support network of people who support you, not just your relationship.
​d. Share EVERYTHING here, or at an SSN meeting, or with a trusted friend/loved one.
​e. Do everything possible to protect your finances and financial security, this includes meeting with a lawyer to discuss separation/divorce.
​f.  Keep repeating to yourself, "I deserve love, I deserve intimacy, I deserve kindness."

I wish both Gary and his wife much happiness, either together or apart. And I applaud him for coming here. I hope he found the answers he was looking for. Unfortunately, for me and my (then) wife, happiness didn't mean quasi-celibacy. Joy wasn't my wife knowing her husband was constantly watching gay porn and cheating on her. A happy marriage was more than depression, lies, and neglect. For years, I claimed that I "loved" my wife but the facts suggest otherwise. I loved my closet more than anything else. I think the most loving thing I ever did was tell her I wanted a divorce because it freed both of us. We divorced in September 2015 and it was incredibly hard for us and our children. Now a few years later, we're both much happier apart than we ever were together. I hope that helps my friends. 

Totally on the money, all of it in my experience. We need it told straight to us like this Sean.

Good day LetsBhonest (or "LBH"). In reply:

1. I hope I can ask you this Mr. Sean.  

Please call me Sean.

​2. My hubby doesn't like to kiss my mouth but he likes to lick my behind and kiss it. Is this normal?

I'm of the mindset that pretty much anything safe is acceptable between consenting adults.

3. He doesn't do the other kids of kissing that I thought he would do like higher up on my privates or mouth or nipples - just bum for long time.  

Got it.

​4. He also likes me to say things about guys doing things to him in bed like nasty ones.   I do this for him and make it dirty about guys so he can get hard for me.  

Yellow ("cautionary") flag. This suggests some form of same sex attraction. 

​5. But it's not too fun for me.  I can't tell my friends this crazy business about my bum.  

I'm sorry you're struggling. I can understand how difficult it would be to discuss this with friends or family. 

6. I don't know why he wants to do this and he doesn't care if I shower but I use mouthwash for my breathe so he can kiss me there but he doesn't.  I have been reading here for long time but never see this question because it is so dirty maybe?  

I've had some pretty graphic exchanges with fellow members, but never questions of this kind. I don't think it's "dirty" per se but I do worry if you really don't like it. No one should be forced to do anything sexually that they haven't consented to. Have you tried discussing your wants and needs with your husband? I don't think you should be embarrassed to discuss that you want to be kissed...on your mouth. That's perfectly normal. 

7. I guess best thing is if guys who like women tell me if they do that first choice or not or am I crazy.  Is he a gay man pretending to be my husband like I'm a beard.  

I'm afraid that I can't provide an opinion on your husband's sexuality for several reasons: first, I'm not an expert; and second, I don't have a lot of details about your relationship/sex life. I can write, however, that if your husband is using you like a sexual prop or asking you to act like a man in the bedroom, he may be bisexual or gay-in-denial. Some examples would be asking you to "peg" or penetrate him with a dildo or simply focusing on his own sexual gratification without really thinking of you and your needs. At the end of the day, the most important factor is whether you're happy in your relationship and happy with your sex life. If not, I'd suggest talking to your husband about it. If he's prone to angry or violent reactions, perhaps a good place to start would be, "I have some things I want to share with you about our sex life but you often get angry. What is the best way for me to calmly and safely discuss these things with you?" If a face-to-face conversation is just too stressful, perhaps writing him a letter or sending an email would be a good place to start.

​With regards to your husband's sexuality, I have a few questions:

​1. Do you have proof that your husband watches gay or trannie porn?
2. Has your husband ever cheated on you? If yes, was it with men? 
​
​I hope I've helped a bit with my reply and look forward to reading your answers. Be well! 

Your English is just fine LBH. Thank you for posting again. In reply:

1. He has sex iPad in bedroom and if he has sex with me he look at pictures of men first.  Sometime he put sex iPad on pillow beside my head while has sex with me.  

Well if he's playing gay porn on a tablet next to your head while having sex with you, this is very wrong. 

2. Then I see he searching things like "hot guys sex muscles" and "locker room men orgy". Then I see he has a membership for meeting people but I don't know what kind of people.   It's a money membership that he pay to have.   I married long time and no kiss but one day ask for kiss bum and then he really happy and want to do it a lot more.   But then I think it sad for me.  

Men lie. But web histories, porn habits, and cheating don't lie. Straight men like women's bodies and straight porn. Gay men like men's bodies and gay porn. Straight men don't watch gay porn, have sex with other men, and then lie about both. As I've shared in previous posts, when you're in the closet gay sex "doesn't just happen" as many gay-in-denial husbands often claim. Reality counters lies like "it happened just once" or "I was just curious." Contrary to what anti-gay bigots claim, the gay world isn't one huge pride parade orgy. You don't just hit some guy up for gay sex on a street corner (unless he's a male prostitute). Gay sex takes a lot of time, effort, communication, and (sorry) douching before it happens. And even when two gay men are ready to hook up, there are questions as to time, place, safe sex, who's the top (pitcher) and bottom (receiver), and so on. There is so much communication in fact that straight wives inevitably find the electronic paper trail. 

​3. So I said if you like men then tell me that.  

​Sadly, you probably won't get an honest answer from your gay-in-denial husband. If he's anything like me, he married to hide his true sexuality. And telling you, "I'm gay" would mean ending the marriage and ejecting himself from a closet he's hid in for decades. So I suggest you focus on facts rather than his words. If he watches gay porn, watches gay porn while you're having sex, and is on a gay hook up site, then I think we can accept he's as gay. While he may deny he's gay, his actions confirm it. 

4. Then I get mad and say, you no looking at me like the other men look at me because sometime I catch men looking at me like I'm pretty.  This not lies or being mean to hubby they look at me different. Then he said that I want to have sex with those men who look at me and that it's my fault and if I was better doing sex he wouldn't have joint that club so my fault. 

Bullsh*t. This sounds a lot like gay-in-denial narcissism. "Well I wouldn't be hooking up with men if...you lost weight, the house was clean, you were more/less interested in sex." It's pure horsesh*t. A man has gay sex because he was born with an attraction to other men. It's not his wife's fault. It's not because of porn, an absent father, a domneering mother, nor any other excuses I've heard. And even if a couple is having problems in the bedroom, why then have sex with another man? Ask him why he didn't just have an affair with a woman? It would be much easier to hook up with a woman than a man because there are more straight women around. Statistically, gay people represent just 3% of the population. So let's assume 3/100ths of the population are gay men. Gay men are either tops (pitchers), bottoms (receivers), or versatile which further complicates gay relationships. So of the total gay (male) population, maybe 1/3rd are sexually compatible, and of that small group, an even smaller number will really want to have sex with your husband. What's my point? It takes a lot of effort for a closeted, dad-bod, gay-in-denial man married to a woman and terrified of getting caught to actually have sex with another man. He'll have you believe his hook up with another guy was like a walk down to the local ice cream parlour and "out of the blue" he tried a new rainbow sherbert. Wrong!  

There are a huge number of barriers to overcome before hooking up with another man. I know because I've been there. So your husband wasn't just curious. Curious is like, "Well today I'm going to try a new flavour of ice cream!" We're talking feed-the-cow-milk-it-make-cream-freeze-and-then-flavour-it-level "commitment." And imagine if trying a new flavour of ice cream and getting caught would mean risking the end of your marriage. So no gay sex didn't "just happen" down at the gay store. We're talking weeks or even months of web searches, exchanging messages, exchanging photos, and then finally having sex. Or he had to screw up enough courage to visit the local gay cruising park while running the risk of arrest for public indecency. Or he had to screw up enough courage to visit a gay sauna. This is why I believe so many gay-in-denial husbands have sex while traveling for work. It's less risk and they can forget most of the shame and "reset" in a way before coming home. So what's my point? Having sex with a man is so much more than just bland "curiosity." It's a f*cking mission. So blaming you for his (gay) cheating is just unbelivably cruel. The only way a straight wife would be responsible for her husband having sex with men would be holding a gun to his head and forcing him to spend days on Grindr (a gay hook up app) trolling for gay sex, at the cruising park, or forcing him into a gay sauna at gunpoint. So blaming you for his cheating is just narcissistic pyrotechnics. It's a bullsh*t diversion. So no, sex with another man didn't just happen and it certainly isn't the straight wife's fault. If your husband cheated on you with another man, he was motivated enough to risk his marriage and his entire straight existence for it. And in my universe, that spells G-A-Y in big rainbow colours.

I hope that helps my friend. Please feel free to write again. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 14, 2018 10:02 am)

I'm not Sean but the suggestion I have for you is to consult a solicitor (or attorney depending where you live) to find out where you would stand legally if he or you decide to separate. You may not be ready to take this step but knowing your rights will enhance your decision-making abilities.Try to avoid confronting him even though you are hurt and angry. It won't help you and might endanger your safety.