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August 16, 2016 11:08 am  #1


Putting the pieces together

Hello, this is my first post on this type of thing, but I don't know where else to turn. This weekend a switch went off in my head and I'm dizzy with the thought that my husband could be gay. The first six years of our marriage he was seemingly straight as a board, but in the last year, he's started to make the following changes:

-Started a Pinterest board
-Wears super tight clothes & tiny shorts when he's at home
-Works out every day
-Shaving his chest & genitals
-Brags about compliments from men
-Grew a mustache
-Sleeping in the other room occasionally
-Yoga/Meditation
-Started wearing meditation bead bracelet
-Confessed that he used to wish he'd been born a woman, but then quickly dismissed it away
-Interested in receiving anal penetration
-Shared fantasy of having sex w/ a man
-Increased vanity; a lot of looking in the mirror
-Doesn't seem to notice me when I'm naked

We still have a decent sex life and I can't seem to find any traces of gay porn or cheating, but my instincts are telling me something is up. I've asked him if he's gay once before and he assured me that he's only attracted to women and that he's never cheated.

He's a loving husband and a terrific father and my heart is breaking at the thought that it could all be a sham.

Where do I go from here?

 

August 16, 2016 1:16 pm  #2


Re: Putting the pieces together

Don't know....he sounds feminine from what you wrote.   That said,  if you told him his behavior bothers you and he does nothing about it then that says something.   If he values the marriage he'll do whatever it takes to make you happy.    If not, then that says a lot gay or not..      
Beside the affair , my now ex's devaluing of me is what really did me in.  Stopped basic human affection, and then conversation;  I wasn't worth talking to.   I could feel myself being devalued and replaced.   My body would shake with trauma as it and my mind knew trust was being violated.
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 16, 2016 5:26 pm  #3


Re: Putting the pieces together

Hi Emma,

A lot of the things you listed are huge red flags.  Almost all of them.  Also, the fact that your gut is telling you that something is wrong is a huge red flag too. 

I think where you go from here is to silently observe - as if you were an outside party.  check things like: Is he continuing the weird dressing and shaving?  Does he still mention fantasies about men?  Keep an eye on the computer history (but know that there is also "in private" web surfing and of course the old deleting the history trick that can thwart that.  Check what he's pinning to pinterest. 

But honestly - I can't think of a straight man alive who would talk about wanting anal penetration, confessing about want to be a woman, and fantasizing about men.  It's just not likely.  In fact, I'd say any of those things ALONE would be enough to generate a huge red flag.  But all of them together....where there's smoke, there's fire.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, searching.  If you have some time, read as much here as you can.  You will find a lot of similarities in our stories.  When/if you do find proof of other email accounts or craig's list ads or emails to men, SAVE them somewhere that he can not find or access them.  You will find that people who lie about these types of things will continue to lie even in the face of proof.  And then, they will find a way to delete or destroy that proof.  Then you start to question yourself about what you really saw.  It sounds crazy, but it happens all the time.  Good liars have had a lot of practice. 

Welcome.  And hang in there. 

 

August 16, 2016 8:58 pm  #4


Re: Putting the pieces together

I keep flip flopping. When I look at that list, it seems so probable, but the other part of me feels like it's so unlikely. He is complimentary towards me, loves on me, is so sweet to me. He's nothing like the men that are angry and insulting like the one's I read about. He doesn't seem to feel trapped or unhappy or like he's hiding anything. He's not secretive and I know where he is at all times (Find my Friends app) and he's never lied about where he's been. We have 2 small kids and I'm so desperate to be wrong for even thinking he might be gay.

I'm just so confused. I'm dying for some answers but I guess the best advice is to continue to observe.

     Thread Starter
 

August 16, 2016 9:52 pm  #5


Re: Putting the pieces together

Thanks for your thoughts! Does anyone have advice as to how to get proof? I haven't found any CL accounts, texts, emails or suspicious browser history. What else is there?

I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

     Thread Starter
 

August 16, 2016 9:52 pm  #6


Re: Putting the pieces together

My gay in denial ex never exhibited the normal mean reaction that you typically hear about.  Other than that he fit the bill with the hiding things and lying and gay porn.  He was sweet up to the every end.  Even now he would drop anything to help me.  His personality never changed but the more I caught him lying the more convinced I was that I could not continue to live that way.  One time he looked me right in the eye and lied (he was unaware I already knew the truth).  That's when I knew there was no hope. 

You're right - just keep observing and be careful.  Mine had the opportunity because he travelled for a living - sometimes even internationally.  There was no tracker or private investigator I could have possibly used. 

 

August 16, 2016 11:22 pm  #7


Re: Putting the pieces together

When he told me during sex once that he "used to wish he'd been born a woman" I froze up and we stopped what  we were doing and had a long convo. I asked him many questions over the course of two days and he continued to downplay. He said it was just a passing thought and that he identifies as a man and is only attracted to women. Convincing, of course.

Would you suggest using a phone spying software such as MobiStealth? I hate to betray his trust if he's telling the truth.

     Thread Starter
 

August 17, 2016 8:48 am  #8


Re: Putting the pieces together

Emma wrote:

When he told me during sex once that he "used to wish he'd been born a woman" I froze up and we stopped what  we were doing and had a long convo. I asked him many questions over the course of two days and he continued to downplay. He said it was just a passing thought and that he identifies as a man and is only attracted to women. Convincing, of course.

Would you suggest using a phone spying software such as MobiStealth? I hate to betray his trust if he's telling the truth.

Is it legal to put spying software on the phone ? In general the answer is no.  This is not trivial and if you get caught it would be a big problem.

Take a step back. There is a big temptation to do this but its not worth it.  That you are thinking of doing this is an answer in itself.

 

August 17, 2016 1:47 pm  #9


Re: Putting the pieces together

JK - we have all at one time or another asked if our spouses were gay.  It's where most of us started out.  But the question is typically useless.  It's a good place to start because you never know, maybe some of them will tell the truth.  But what you usually get are excuses and how dare you.  Then a few days later you catch them with more gay porn or ordering another dildo or posting an ad for sex on craig's list.  It's just a cycle of putting the other person off with more strange explanations and excuses -  to waste your time wondering and putting things together until the next time they accidentally get caught. 

 

August 17, 2016 2:17 pm  #10


Re: Putting the pieces together

Hi there -

Some of the items on your list are pretty benign, in my opinion.  My st8 husband has a Pinterest board (although it's all watches. cars and food he wants me to make for him).  There are other things that when they stand alone, probably mean nothing - like the mustache.  Or working out every day (there are lots of men that do that).  And then there are the serious ones, in my opinion.  The not noticing you when you're naked is a big red flag, to me.  I suppose we all experience that from time to time, but it's because there's something else major going on, and the guy knows he can look again in 5 minutes, or tomorrow.  But feeling invisible is not normal.  It was one of the biggest issues in my former marriage to a gay man, and that issue alone left me feeling so insecure and ugly.  My current husband will often come out of NOWHERE when I'm naked and say something like, "Did you call me?", or I'll turn around and he's on the bed on his stomach, on his elbows with his hands propping up his chin.  And I'll say, "What??", and he'll say, "This is my favorite show!"  THAT is how you want to feel.  A complete disregard for your naked female body isn't normal or healthy.

Then there's the "uh-oh" stuff on your list:

-Wears super tight clothes & tiny shorts when he's at home
-Shaving his chest & genitals
-Brags about compliments from men
-Sleeping in the other room occasionally
-Yoga/Meditation
-Started wearing meditation bead bracelet
-Confessed that he used to wish he'd been born a woman, but then quickly dismissed it away
-Interested in receiving anal penetration
-Shared fantasy of having sex w/ a man

-Increased vanity; a lot of looking in the mirror

They all add up to a pretty big list of oddness.  And there is likely only one explanation.  And you know that, which is why you're here.  But yeah - you're left with a ton of symptoms, but without any proof of the truth.  That has got to be frustrating!  I know that all too well - while my ex's list was a lot shorter than your husband's is, I too had mostly just lots of vague stuff for a long time.  The biggest being that he just didn't want to sleep with his wife very often (or touch me anywhere distinctly female).  As if it was icky.

All I knew for the longest time was that this isn't the life I wanted.  I wanted a MAN.  I wasn't happy, and it didn't matter any more what the root cause of it all was - I just couldn't go on this way any longer.  If you had a serious discussion with him that made it clear to him that you don't like his teeny shorts, the mustache, the talk about anal penetration, the shaving of the chest and pubic area, etc., what do you think he'd say?  I would be very clear that what he's doing is a huge TURN-OFF to me, and if he continues to do those things (which no, he didn't used to do), you will grow further and further away from him.  See where that gets you.  I'm not saying this will make the root issue disappear.  But I would very much be interested - if I were you - in learning where he stands on these things.  My suspicion is that he'll tell you that's the way he likes to be, and you're trying to change him, and put it on you to accept who he is rather than on himself to change anything.  And then you'll know that no matter what the root cause, this stuff is going to continue.  Once I figured out that I had no hope of changing my situation, that's when it became clear to me that I needed to leave in order to be happy.

I wish you the best -

Kel
 


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