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1 of 1- Tyurk
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Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
You started out selfish. I thought it was because you were young. But hey, im the same age, so why do I give you some grace for being young? I knew that being married means settle down. Dont spend every day with friends. But you did, no matter what i said. You would leave our daughter at daycare longer than needed so you had time with friends and on your own to do TGT.(dress up, watch porn, masturbate,talk about sex w trannys)
Then when I found out about your lies, you changed alot to keep me and be a better dad in general. You have become such a good father and yes you became a better husband. You were attentive and loving. You became crazy about me like I used to be for you. You were the man in many ways I always wanted you to be for me. But something has was always been missing. Something about my femininity and your masculinity. Its hard to put into words. You made me feel less of a woman. Less special. Less sexy. Less everything about being a woman.
You took something the day I found out. You took a piece of our relationship and crushed it so badly that I cant mend it now. You killed the trust. You didnt communicate with me. And therefore you lost part of my respect. I cant be the wife you deserve because of it. You damaged all the core pieces of our relationship. Sex, fidelity, trust, communication, honesty, and loyalty.
But, I tried. Didnt I? I mean, i think i did. I tried to forgive you and trust you for 6 years when you were SUPPOSED to be NOT watching porn, anal penetration, or CD. All the while, you were lying about that. That means all my thoughts about you in that time were false. I thought you werent struggling too bad, and certainly not giving into the urges...because you told me you werent. And i believed you. Stupid me. What you were telling me was not what you were really doing behind my back. You say cause it "wasnt that often" that it shouldnt be such a big deal. Well, the big deal was the realization that my husbnd really does want a dick in his ass bad enough that he cant control himself to not give in every once in a while. (Even if its just a dildo. Thats where it starts.) You really CANT just let this go. So, my fears were realized. My nightmares confirmed. That little voice in the back of your head. You know, the one that sounds paranoid and crazy. Well, she wasnt paranoid and crazy. She was right. My gut was right.
Through it all, I still love you. I really do. My love for you has changed though, and I dont have what it takes anymore to go on.
Last edited by Tyurk (February 25, 2018 1:48 pm)
- Lyonene
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Re: Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
Tyurk,
My heart hurts reading this. I understand you, feel you, relate to you SO MUCH!
I too feel like things were crushed so badly, they cannot be mended. Deep things. Things on instinctual levels that are hard to explain. You're right, it's something involving male and female in a very base place. It's beyond lies, trust, and loyalty. I've always had a hard time explaining what it is. I've been calling it Wild Kingdom Female because it seems to be coming from a very primal place that really has no voice, just feelings and impressions. Whatever it is, no matter what he says now, no matter the actions he takes, my inner animal female recoils like he's rotten. Literally rotten. And I pull back just like a dog would recoil from rotten meat.
Take care of you and thank you for posting this. I've always felt a bit crazy feeling this animal response, but it sounds like you have some of it too.
- Duped
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Re: Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 1:52 pm)
- Tyurk
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Re: Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
Lyonene wrote:
Tyurk,
My heart hurts reading this. I understand you, feel you, relate to you SO MUCH!
I too feel like things were crushed so badly, they cannot be mended. Deep things. Things on instinctual levels that are hard to explain. You're right, it's something involving male and female in a very base place. It's beyond lies, trust, and loyalty. I've always had a hard time explaining what it is. I've been calling it Wild Kingdom Female because it seems to be coming from a very primal place that really has no voice, just feelings and impressions. Whatever it is, no matter what he says now, no matter the actions he takes, my inner animal female recoils like he's rotten. Literally rotten. And I pull back just like a dog would recoil from rotten meat.
Take care of you and thank you for posting this. I've always felt a bit crazy feeling this animal response, but it sounds like you have some of it too.
LYONENE,
Thank you for responding. I absolutely know what you mean about the "Wild Kingdom Female" feeling. That is what I am trying to describe. Its on an instinctual and primal level. My primal brain says "danger!" We cannot fight our primal brain, it controls over all else. When you dont listen to it, you may have psychological reactions as we all do..
Depression, Anxiety, Fear ect.
We have been legitimately traumatized. We need to heal.
Love & Light
Tyurk
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Thread Starter- Tyurk
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Re: Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
"He didn’t really become a better husband, he just hid being a bad one better, and I know you love him but eventually even more realisations come along and that love just starts to fall away when you fully realise that what you love is the person he’s pretending to be, not the one he really is.
You are getting there, this is a milestone post"
Duped,
Wow. Now that is some truth. Hard to accept for some stupid reason. But as I read it I know its true.
I so appreciate you and your input. Thank you.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
Tyurk,
You speak for me as well. It's so hard to describe, what it feels like, what it does, when your spouse wants to be the opposite sex (the same one as you), and fantasizes about it even while having sex with you, and gets angry when you want them to be the man they told you they were, and whose idea of a woman is a misogynistic porn fantasy. It's a rejection so very deep, and it eats at you, in your core. You feel like a faulty woman. And at some point, when the realization comes home over and over again, you just recoil. That wild animal thing Lyonene describes.
- Leah
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Re: Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
Thanks for writing Tyurk, it is so what I felt too, it is like we are supposed to dismiss their rotten behaviour because it isn’t ‘that often’ or they love us (too?). But then what is love if it is laced with such pain?
I love that Wild Animal Kingdom Female idea!!! YES YES to that underlying knowledge that I always had that something just wasn’t right! And yes to the rage I feel now knowing that all my efforts to address it were dismissed and he was willing to project all of the blame for our marital issues on me. FOR SO LONG!! ARgghhhh I lost so many years of my life and I am angry. He tells me he is a better man now - even as he remarries a woman.... he is bisexual... or whatevs. And smug that I am unhappy. What a dick. He tells me it is my responsibility to be take care of my own happiness.... god the lack of care for all those years I devoted to our marriage and family and home.... I should have been forging a career instead of facilitating his!!!
Been here, wrote about it here
- in limbo
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Re: Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
Tyurk, the words you spoke are so spot on. i am sorry for your heart-wrenching pain I hear in your words.
My ... H.. said he was addicted to porn last night, he was crying about it. I could feel his pain, but i was removed as well from it- we have had a sexless marriage for years. At some level, I was relieved, yet I feel robbed and cheated upon. He refused counselling 3X over the years, and finally- he agreed two weeks ago. Why? I still feel like there is more forthcoming.
- Roo
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Re: Well, I tried and I lost more than I found.
Like many others, your words could be my words. My H may be disconnected from the hook-up sites, but that is for now. He's addicted and eventually he will be back at it again I am sure of it.
I'm sorry you are going through this, none of us deserve this.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~