I am new here - but not new to all these emotions

I discovered my husband was living a secret life in the gay world some 8/9 years ago ( a bit of a blur ) - I monitored him for some months and then confronted him  - I was totally knocked sideways - it was as though  he had taken our relationship, my trust, a beautiful cut crystal vase and smashed it violently to the floor shattering it into a myriad smithereens - and I had to chose whether or not to pick up the pieces and try to 'fix it'

 I  decided to - I was totally in love with him - looking back now I realise there was a lot of manipulation and control in the  relationship - but at the time I was in love . I wanted to forgive him, I realise now that I wanted to believe at least some of his excuses and stories - I knew deep in my heart that he hadn't told me everything - he hadn't admitted to the worst parts - but I chose to forgive - I chose to stay in my marriage  - I chose to believe his protestations of love, of remorse, of determination to change . Looking back now I acknowledge I was not in a strong place , I was emotionally dependant , I was financially dependant, I had two young children ( 7 and 12) and I believed the security of a family was the best environment for them to grow up in. I wanted my family to stay together ,

I have grown in the meantime - not without a lot of suffering and reaching the depths of despair in the interim - I ended up with anxiety, on anti-depressants that took me to the point of feeling suicidal , I felt no joy, no sadness, nothingness - I had lost myself and this lasted for a few years  - I came off the medication - I reclaimed control over my emotional status - I detatched emotionally from him and realised the control I had been under .

I had a light bulb moment last year when through online research I came across definitions of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders - the checklists of 'symptoms' matched the man I have been married to for 21 years almost 99%. 

On top of this he has started drinking , and when drunk ( though in denial over this problem ) becomes verbally aggressive and with tunnel vision , he has become extremely sensitive and defensive to any opinion contrary to his own, accusing me and his kids of criticizing him when all we are doing is stating a differing opinion - he has been on antidepressants ( strong psych meds ) since the confrontation 8/9 years ago  - he is extremely self absorbed and wants pity from all around him and has started to criticize me to our friends behind my back

And I am seeing the same symptoms as before -  he has started being absent for extended periods of time , lying about his whereabouts ( obvious not only to me but to our children as well now they are older  ) ; he keeps his mobile phone with him at all times, even taking it into the bathroom with him ; he deletes his browsing history on the computer ; he lets incoming phone calls drop or doesn't answer them; he deletes messenger conversations from his phone; he deletes call logs ..... he is doing it all over again and is being careful - more careful than before

And my daughter has realised ( she is now 20 and recently married ) too

I know he goes online to find 'masseurs' , but as well as normal masseurs for his back issues, he actively (excuse the pun ) seeks out gay masseurs, those that offer additional services, escorts , the kind that advertise their services with their own photo and explicit sites for over 18s only - basically he hooks up with male prostitutes that advertise their services combined with massages - its easy to find out nowadays - I see a phone number, I enter it in google together with the word masseur and up come the listings of the individual in question - clear as day - irrefutable

But of course he would explain it away - ' I looked it up but I didn't go there ' ( but now we have gps tracking so that lie can be refuted ) , then he would say ' I went but not for sexual services , for a massage for  my back issues ' .... yeah, right !!!!!

I know how good he is at lying, how convincing he can be when he denies facts, how good he is at gas lighting and projection

So that in part is why I am here
I know that I will confront him when I have sufficient evidence to 'prove'
I am not prepared to tolerate this in my marriage - I am not prepared to live a lie - I am not prepared to be continually lied to and about - I am not prepared to walk on eggshells to placate someone who behind my back is screwing around and laughing at my naivety and good nature
But part of me is also scared - I don't want to go back to that dark place that I was in before - I don't want to go back on antidepressants or anti -anxiety meds that played with my head and sent me manic , first up then down  and having me thinking I am bipolar - I need solidarity and to find the strength to confront him and expose the lie, I guess I need to stop myself from falling back into the place where I want to believe a lie and where I want to believe that  things are as I would like them to be

So I am here - continuing to gather evidence - letting the brutal and ugly truth set in once again - feeling sick to my stomach every time I come across something that 'might be' - yet I know deep in my soul that it is ...

Oh .. and by the way .. .yesterday I found a membership card to an association called ''anddos'' together with an ID of his ( a valid driving license for a country we no longer live in that has since been replaced )  ... I looked it up... .. suspicion confirmed once again .....  

Last edited by sallyfindsout (July 29, 2016 10:25 am)