OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Jhurley
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Dating a Trans woman that wants to explore
I have been with my trans boyfriend going on 2 years now, He is still in the closet. I found out by seeing something I wasn't supposed too. Anyway, He is wanting to go explore his other side in many different ways, most of them I am okay with. One way he wants to explore is by having sex with other people. I cannot find a way to be okay with it. It hurts and makes me feel like I will never satisfy him completely. He wants to have children and be married some day. I want so badly to be accepting of everything he wants to do, but the sex with other people is killing me. I have tried asking him to explore and do things with me but he says that doing things with me does not interest him when it comes to his feminine side. Does anyone have any suggestion on how to cope or become okay with this? I do not want to end this relationship because of this.
- Abby
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Re: Dating a Trans woman that wants to explore
Good morning and welcome to the club that no one wants to join. All of us are here because we were not enough sexually for our partners or spouses because of our gender. Most were in the relationship for more than two years, many for decades. My ex-husband admitted after we were married to being "bi" then after we had children lost all interest in me sexually and became emotionally distant, finally telling me after the children were adults that he was gay and wanted a divorce.
I have no experience with trans but there are others here who have and may not be online yet. There is discussion of opening a separate section of this site for them but what I can say is that when you want monogamy and your significant other does not, as are you are finding out, you are the one expected to change your boundaries. And that still may not be enough.
The "he wants to have children and be married someday" is what my ex wanted. If you go there I think you will find that he expresses his feminine side by being their mother. How would you feel about that? Can you be more masculine and try to do what other children's dads are doing with them when he does not step up to it?
Life is complicated enough without making your private life complicated too. You are fortunate that your love has told you who he is and what he wants. Love yourself enough to break it off and if monogamy is what you want find someone who wants you and only you.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Dating a Trans woman that wants to explore
Here's what I read in your letter:
My significant other wants to have sex with other people.
He seems to think this is ok and somehow different than cheating on you with "other people" because it's to do with being trans. This is the same excuse gay men who want to step out on their wives use--that the issue of their sexuality makes their desire to have sex with men different than if they were simply cheating with another woman. It doesn't and it's not.
Although you are wiling to accommodate his trans desires he has rejected your willingness to meet him half way and wants 100% acceptance of his outside activities from you.
What does it say about your partner and the dynamics of your relationship that your feelings and your needs and your willingness to accommodate him are not important to him? Abby is 100% right: as are you are finding out, you are the one expected to change your boundaries. And 100% acceptance from you will continue to be expected as he moves the goal posts to ever more expression of his desired self.
You are not okay with his having sex with other "people," (Who are these "people"? Men? Women? Transsexuals?)
You have boundaries and common sense. To say to your partner, "If you're in a relationship with me, you're in a relationship with me" is to set a firm boundary that maintains your self respect and your health. Indiscriminate sex carries risks, and he will carry those risks back to you. Even in open relationships which both parties agree to there are firm ground rules and very clear lines of communication. Your partner has already deceived you and lied to you; you cannot expect honesty and communication from him.
You don't want to end the relationship over "this."
In the realest of real senses, your partner already has. Your partner is trying to make it seem as if you are the one who will make the choice to end the relationship, but that is shifting to you the responsibility for what he has already done. You HAD a relationship, but then you have discovered that the person you thought you were in a relationship with has been hiding a significant aspect of himself from you--a form of lying--and that he wants to have sex with other people. His lying, hiding, and wanting to take it outside means both that what you had was not what you thought and that it ends that relationship. If your partner rejects your offers to accommodate him sexually, and insists on going outside the relationship for sex with unspecified "other people," you do not HAVE a relationship, or, at least, any relationship worth keeping.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 28, 2018 7:35 am)
- Lyonene
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Re: Dating a Trans woman that wants to explore
"tried asking him to explore and do things with me but he says that doing things with me does not interest him when it comes to his feminine side"
This generally means he's wanting to explore his "fem side" with what he perceives will reinforce that for him - men. Autogyn men reduce "feminine" down to stereotypes and lowest denominators - makeup, clothing, submissiveness, being penetrated.
OOHC is right. Her post is dead on. Please protect yourself.
- Duped
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Re: Dating a Trans woman that wants to explore
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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 1:50 pm)