I think this post should stay. Knowledge is power and I like the insight.  I bet a lot of people can't read it either as it hurts a lot.

I read Seans post this am.  I think a fair bit of this holds true with the Lesbian wife. That being said it seems to me the gay wives seem to try for more of a typical working, mother, wife type life.  At least for a while.  I am just going off a few stories from here and my facebook group.  That being said I know as a man, a father and a former husband I am so beyond destroyed.  She just wanted to please others. So on and blah blah blah.  The truth is she hated herself when I met her and her parents were so excited and friends and it went from there.  Over the last 5 years things got busy with kids and so on and she realized she couldn't do it.  I tried so hard last year and had a 0% chance.  The safe great take her home to mom girl was a façade.  Now  into tattoos, open relationships, communal living, and the manly looking women.  Not the person I loved and married.  I will never know and never want to hear about her journey.  I have to deal with this person daily as we work on the kids schedule.  She was meant to be a mother even as a lesbian!  Great!  Now I pay $500 a month.  This marriage should never have happened.

I cant wait to sleep again.   

Lyonene wrote:

Gary says: "My marriage didn't mean anything and I was living a lie."

Perhaps this statement needs clarity.

What it means for me is exactly what it says. Exactly. I didn't sign up for a friend. I have friends. I didn't need a roommate. I wasn't wanting a companion to keep me company. The love that exists with a gay man and straight woman encompasses those things. It is missing all values that define romantic love. Intimate desire, craving, intense attraction, sexual want, that giddy feeling, the bond that can only result from those things. If those things were intact in a man for a woman - well, he wouldn't be gay now would he

This was right on the money. 
What you don't get and what our spouses don't seem to get is a very simple fact. We went into our relationships, our marriages looking for exactly what Lyonene said.  My wife's comment on this is I loved you my way. Unfortunately her way didn't make our relationship stronger it did the opposite and wore it down. It made me feel hurt and like I wasn't good enough. That was before she came to me and told me she thought she was gay. Then all the pieces fell into place. So yes there is a aspect of I should have known. But the biggest problem I have is when you say they loved us. Which I can only respond with how can we know? That question I am sure has haunted every single one of us as we process and try to heal. Which honestly I haven't yet. I am pissed that I think of my 16 years with her, someone I loved with everything I had, someone I married and had 3 awesome kids with, someone I trusted and would go to about anything that I look back at it and it has all been reduced to Playing House. All those awesome happy times together turned to ash or wondering if she meant any of it. Left with feeling's of hurt, anger and betrayal and of being used.  So Yes I do believe I lived a lie. My wife has told me straight out she was NEVER attracted to me the way she should have been. That she doesn't believe in giving things meaning and symbolism like our wedding rings but she can give her tattoos meaning. That our marriage license is just a piece of paper and nothing more. And you expect me to believe she loved me????? The truth is she was following a script of the way she thought she should act/ should be and I bought it hook line and sinker. I think I have made my point so I am going to stop there because honestly The more i think about it the angrier I get.

On a side note..... Why is it only the men come on here posting about how they hurt their wifes?
I don't think I have ever seen a wife on her saying how she hurt her husband. Curious isn't it.

 

Last edited by Demons-halo (March 16, 2018 11:28 pm)

Hi DH,

I think I remember a lesbian wife briefly coming on here once - ostensibly to get advice about how to dump her husband nicely but I had the feeling that she was just trying to stir us up and when she only got civility that disappointed her.

re the children - I remember someone saying to me he wished we'd got together and then saying but that would mean he wouldn't have had his children and then he thought a moment more and said but then we would have had children instead.

Good point.

It's extraordinary.  This is the only place, I mean the only place I know where it is acknowledged that straight/gay marriages are going on all the time and how much they hurt.  Unhappy marriages - people will readily acknowledge that they exist but no one is prepared to say why.   No one wants to talk about the closet.

and yet it's got to a point I just about believe we straights are already outnumbered in the population.

'how much they hurt' it's a euphemism isn't it.  my god the pain we go in.  I think sometimes the glue that keeps a straight stuck in the closet is fear of their own feelings.  We got these brains.  I live in Australia and remember hearing how the aborigines would administer immediate justice by throwing a spear through the offender's leg.  I thought how barbaric how awful but eventually came to understand how clean and simple and easier than what we do now.  but we do it different now, we have the bit of brain that wants to throw the spear and we have the bit of brain that says no, I don't want to go to jail, I don't want to bear this burden.  It's all about trusting yourself and I know I found that it's like that saying about hitting your head against a brick wall - it's good when you stop.  It's good to get out of the closet, it's good to get away from the personal entanglement with such a coldly selfish person. 

Your children have a father and they can have you as that and not combined into being parents.  That's good too.  You can have your own relationship with your children and they get that from you too.  
 

lily wrote:

and yet it's got to a point I just about believe we straights are already outnumbered in the population.

 

 
I'm in agreement.  SSA/bisexuality just may be the best kept secret in the world.

The difference I've noticed is that the men don't want to leave their lesbian wives.  They are getting divorced because their wife is making it happen.  whereas tho that happens the same with the women too there is also a sizeable chunk (myself included) who want to divorce and struggle with the gay husband who doesn't want it to happen.  

If the lesbian wife changes her mind, as frequently happens, the husband will take her back.  He is at her mercy in a way the woman is not with her gay husband.  When it comes to it she goes into survival mode while the man will sacrifice himself.

Sacrifice himself for family but to a fake persona?  He needs to rescue himself - if only for his family's sake.  and the way to do that is detachment.  that's what you're doing now DH and able to see your wife for who she is.

from what I've seen, it's the same building of antipathy whichever spouse is the gay one.  the same minimising and shifting of blame onto the straight's shoulders.  The same selfishness and cruelty.  It gets worse with age - denial doesn't mean don't know, it means not telling.