Agreed. I might add a Gary, that your wife, along with the above resources, needs  110& of the truth, the whole truth, not the filtered truth.  All of it. Knowledge is power. You owe that to her, and you owe that to your daughters.

JenS wrote:

Gary, .....Your wife's choice to stay doesn't mean that her heart isn't broken.   Sometimes it's the strongest people that carry this type of pain inside and manage to carry on and function.   I truly feel for her.   

If you really did want to give your wife a fighting chance at figuring out what she wants, I'd recommend that you set aside $5000.00 and book her weekly sessions with a non-denominational therapist outside of your church community where she is guaranteed confidentiality.  Alternatively, a Christian values based therapist that supports divorce in unhealthy situations, outside of your immediate church community, would be a viable option.   Encourage her to attend weekly for 6 months and just talk freely and unpack her story.  Don't ask her what she says there after sessions or do a debrief - just let her find her voice in a safe place.....

Awesome....awesome.....advice  

Hi all,

​I know I said I wasn't going to post anymore but I had to jump in and thank you for today's posts.  I think they are great.  I also appreciate the civility in the conversation.

​Yes, Jen, Your are correct.  I think my wife should seek some counseling before she makes the decision.  I don't think she will for the same reasons she doesn't want to come here, but we'll see.  Even if she says "yes, let's stay together", she could probably still use some counseling.

​Even though I'm not completely in the closet since I outed myself to my family years ago, I know that it was incredibly unfair to have dragged her into the closet with me.  However, I'm glad I told her years ago rather than wait until it blows up on us after we had kids, mortgages, etc.  I know that at times like this when I start having problems that she suffers too.  Believe me when I say I feel terrible about that.  For the past several years we've been happy together with each other and our marriage-- dysfunctional as it may be.  I can't read her mind but I think when TGT is not the subject de jure that she really doesn't think about it much so all of the good things we have together stay at the top.

​Lyonene, I'm so pleased to hear that you supported your son when he came out.  If only my family supported me like that, my wife and I may not be in this bind.  Instead, when I did come out (around 34) I heard "the Gary that I know is dead and gone".  I also heard that "if my son turned out to be gay I'd have to disown him."  My mom said, "Well, I must have done something wrong raising you."  and of course the ever-popular "That's disgusting!"  So I think you can see why I wasn't all that eager to jump into the gay life at 22.  It was still my responsibility to do the right thing however.  I did not.

​Walk, oddly enough I think coming here has helped me a small amount. I have you all to thank for that.  Hopefully I can pull myself out of the pit sometimes soon.

​I know many of you are skeptical of me and what I've written here since you were lied to, cheated on, and treated horribly by someone like me.  Some of you probably learned that your spouse was gay at the same time you learned they cheated.  I can't even imagine how much that pain caused.  So today I've been thinking that it'd be odd if you weren't skeptical of me.  So no offense is taken.

​I know that you, like me, only want what's best for my wife.  And perhaps as a distant second you want that for me too.  I wish I had a crystal ball to see the future for both of us under each scenario.  Is she better off without me or will she be alone and lonely?  Or will we both just wind up alone and lonely separately?  Heavy sigh...

​I know some of you disagree with me on the path forward and that's okay.  It is clear that we each bring different knowledge and experience to the debate.  I've known and loved this woman for almost 30 years.  To say I know her inside and out is an understatement.  I also believe, again, flawed as it may be, we have very good relationship 95% of the time and I think she would honestly tell you that too.

​You on the other hand, have experienced great heartache and betrayal, the loss of your marriage, and then finding out what is on the other side and at least beginng your new life post-gay spouse.  If I only had that crystal ball.....

​BTW...either on this thread or the other someone suggest that I found my wife's body revolting.  I can assure you I do not have any revulsion for her body.  I know that's common with gay men but not for me. 

I'll try to explain it this way.  I don't recall the specifics of the Kinsey scale but I think you've probably have heard of it.  A scale from let's say 1 to 10 where if you're a 1 you're totally heterosexual and if your a 10 you're totally homosexual and in between you're some level of bisexual (or something like that).  

​I think when my wife and I got married I was probably a 6 or 7 which is why I used to call myself bisexual.  These days it seems like I'm more like an 8 or 9 but definitely not a 10. Since I'm so high on the scale, I think it's more honest to say gay..  So I do have some small, perhaps very small, attraction to women.  Loving my wife as I do makes it better I suppose.  Does that make sense?

​Good night all.....where does Sean reside on this blog?

Gary, If you are looking for fellow conspirators in your “ jokes” surely by now you’ve figured out you’ve come to the wrong place??

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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 1:52 pm)