Hi everyone.  I posted here (on the other website) a couple of years ago when I first began to understand my chaotic and toxic situation.  However, I am back again and really just need to get all of this off my chest and I figure this is the best place to do so.

I just recently separated from my ex of 4.5 years.  About a year after we were dating he was diagnosed with AIDS and me with HIV right after.  At the time I did not know he had engaged in same-sex sexcapades or was so insanely sick as he is. A couple of months after we were dating he had admitted to me he'd had a drug problem years ago. I was so naive and didn't understand addiction, so just assumed if he wasn't using then or hadn't in X amount of years then he's fine. When I met him we worked together at a university, he had a ph.D, played piano for a few of the churches and genuinely had amazing/caring friends, and all conversations we had prior to having sex lead me to believe he was basically a sexual novice - I NEVER could have guessed how much of a double life he lived.  I completely trusted him and his perfect facade he created.  So, when we were diagnosed I immediately assumed it was because of his drug use years ago, but after subsequent conversations he unwillingly admitted to me that he'd slept with men.  However, assured me it was only when he was out of his mind on drugs.  Again, because I was so naive and also scared to death because of our recent diagnosis, I believed him and stayed.

He became my rock.  Although I felt completely duped, we were now in this horrid situation together, and as long as that was all in the past then all we could do was move forward together.  About 6 months later my father passed away unexpectedly, and about 3 months after that I found out my ex had been cheating on me with men and women on CL, even during the time I was sitting in the hospital with my dying fatherr.  Shortly after I found out he went on a meth binge and dropped off the planet for about a week or so.  I was in such shock, but was still in shock about the HIV diagnosis.  

We split up for a while but ended up back together - I think this was for a multitude of reasons, such as I was in shock over the HIV, denial over his actions, grief over my father, etc.  But also at this point he'd talked to me a lot about his childhood with sexual molestation by a male family member, and other traumas in his past.  I think I wanted so desperately to believe that he did the drugs and the sex because of his past and he just needed help.  I saw him as a victim and wanted to help him as much as myself.  Sick, I know now.  He began therapy and AA meetings, along with getting on mental health medicines, as he was also diagnosed as being bipolar.  I truly felt sorry for him, and for myself, and felt like we had to stay together.

Well, over the next 3 or so years this cycle continued.  He was the perfect man, but every 6 months to a year he would disappear.  He'd go to the closest large city (about an hour away), get a hotel, do a bunch of meth and hook up with men (although he said they never did anything because he was too fucked up on meth to be able to) or anyone that would meet up with him and supply him drugs.  It was fucking terrible.  Basically over the 4.5 years we were together, he's done this about 4 times.  But again, I always went back because I was afraid to be alone with HIV. It's like I treated our diagnosis as our marriage, and was similar to the reasons why people stay in horrible, toxic relationships because of children.  

Well, this past March I found CL solicitations again.  He said he didn't meet up this time and thought he "was doing better" bc he didn't actually do anything and it was all fantasy. We lived together and were at a different university together (I was finishing my last year of professional school and he'd just begun the same bc he was having a hard time getting a job in his pH.D profession), so we decided it was best to just live together until I graduated and just keep everything quiet so as not to ruin my reputation.  Well, that next weekend he did the same exact thing - so I went to the police and told them he was soliciting sex w/o telling people about his status.  But they really didn't care, and actually this was the 2nd time I went to the police and I've also told his AIDS doctors, etc.  They do nothing and it makes me SICK - like he's literally out there killing people. 

After I caught him this time I kicked him out, but apparently he continued to do meth.  We continued acting like we were together so people at school wouldn't suspect anything.  But, a few days before my graduation which he begged me to go to, he dropped out of school and checked into rehab.  He did a month, but I suspect it was only for his meth issue.  The school let him back in, and really he hasn't had to pay deal with any consequences of his actions except for losing me.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this.  I have so many questions that will never be answered - at one point during this shitshow a couple of months ago he finally admitted to me that he was at least bisexual, but didn't want a relationship with men, but he didn't know how to deal with any of it.  I don't know, it's just soooo sick.  But, I graduated and finally had enough courage to leave and face my life with HIV on my own.  I feel truly lost, and definitely have symptoms of PTSD, codependency, and a host of other things.  I'm assuming he just has co-addictions?  Idk.  I've gotten on depression meds, but am in desperate need of a good therapist.  I just feel so traumatized and don't know where to start, and sickly, I miss him.

If you've read all of this, I truly thank you! I've been through all of the same things the spouses on this forum have (emails, CL, finding dildos, porn, lying, cheating, etc.), so I feel like this is the best place for me to write and not just an addiction forum.  Thanks again!