Do not let his parents or your parents make your life decisions for you.  They are not walking in your shoes. 

I made this exact mistake. I listened to his parents and I listened to my parents and I stayed through all the weirdness. I was the good girl who did what it took to make my marriage work.

His parents:  They had me overlook his addictions and money problems. I believe that they knew about his "kink" deep down, but they would never admit to it. In the end, they sided with him, coddled him through the divorce and threw me and their own grandchildren under the bus.  My attorney had said not to confide in them that blood was thicker than water and that the parents always side with their kids no matter what the situation. But they were my family too for 18+ years right?  Wrong.  The reality was that my in-laws were so happy that a bright young professional wholesome women was taking their F^ck-Nut of a son off their hands.  I imagine that they high-fived each other on our wedding day and gleefully screamed "Tag-Your-It" in their car on the way to the reception.  I can't say that I blame them; I took their unstable son off their hands.

My parents were old school.  They worked hard and they were grounded in old-fashioned values, commitment and common sense.  When I told them about the abuse in the end, they told me to go back and do whatever it took to make my marriage work.  I did go back and work at it to no avail.  Once I filed for divorce several years later, my Mom asked me why it took me so long?  Huh?!?!   WTF?!?!?  But you told me to go back?!?!

Lesson Learned:  You have to make your own decisions and live your own life.  You have to stop worrying about what his parents, your parents, and what other people think.  People are gossips and shallow.  They flap their mouths and talk about other people's messy lives so they don't have to look at their own. They really don't care about YOU and what you are doing. They will move onto the next story, tragedy, mistake that someone else has made and the next.  You have to care about you.  You have to do the right thing for you. Sometimes taking care of you means choosing the hard path, ignoring the gossip, and doing what is right for you; others be damned.  

What is it that you want?  This is not about them.  This is not about your H.  This is about YOU!

 

Last edited by WendiT (August 16, 2016 2:51 pm)

Wow! You guys are amazing! Thank you so much for the love and support! I have to admit I have never posted on an online forum before, but I'm so glad that I did. You all make me feel like there is hope and that I can get through this! We are going to the sex/marriage counselor tonight together. I don't even know why honestly - I guess it may do some good in bringing closure but I think that is about all it can really bring.

What do I want? I want to be loved by a man that wants me and only me and is honest with me! I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. I want to be happy! I want my body back as well. While with my husband I lost a significant amount of weight and I have gained it all back (I had lost 90lbs).  Not sure if that is because deep down I was unhappy or if I just let myself get comfortable. At any rate, I want to be happy. I don't want to have to worry.  This is so hard  

Whoa!  Truth bomb, Abby.

self renewal - I could have written your story!!  geez.  It's like we're all the same in so many ways.

CA - You're only scared because it's not time to try again.  Get through this first, take some time off, recover, and then venture out later.  Yes, there are definitely some idiots online.  I know my GID ex was on match a few years ago.  But I didn't meet him online, I met him in an airport, and he turned out to be gay.  I met the other guy who broke my heart through one of my good friends.  She even vouched for him and his normalness!  He turned out to be an absolute nut case.  However, I have met four super nice guys online.  All nice, financially stable, and marriage material.  Did I meet any weirdos?  Yes, one.  But I was willing to keep trying. 

At some point, when the time is right (maybe 6 months, maybe 2 years) you will be ready to venture out.  And you will use all of your past experience to try this again.  If what you really want is a family and a partner you will eventually be ready to risk your heart again.  If you never try, you'll never know.  Don't let this idiot shape your future. 

We all make choices, even hetero's. We still have our attraction to others but we commit to just one. When you first posted here you said ....

"My husband said he never looks at that stuff and he must have clicked on something accidentally while on a straight porn site, and I believed him.

A few weeks later, I was still feeling uneasy about the situation, so I confronted him again and that is when he dropped the bomb on me. He said he had looked at gay porn before and he had gotten off to it and liked it. He also said before he met me he had thought of meeting up with men but was too scared and scared to get diseases and this is not who he wants to be or the life he wants to live."

It's not just about the gay porn, he lied about it and then admitted to thinking of hooking up with another guy. If this had been disclosed back in the beginning how would it have affected your relationship? What I think I'm trying to say is that it's not just about how things were back then but about the unrevealed truth. It matters. Has he been viewing gay porn since your relationship began? If so that is a major red flag and suggests he can't move on, much like being hung-up on an "ex". A relationship founded on lies or omissions won't have the strength to survive adversity.