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February 9, 2018 6:23 pm  #1

SAHD devastated contemplating future

My best friend and wife of 20 years (17 married) has recently experienced intense feelings for another woman, feelings she has never felt for me or anyone else in 37 years. We married in 2001 after dating for 3 years.  We were community college students back then and over the years she became a dentist and I supported her through it all as a teacher.  When we had our second child she was pursuing the purchase of her own dental practice.  She asked me if I would support her by staying home with the kids and helping out with the business.  For three years now I have been a Stay at Home Dad (SAHD) while also supporting her career.  I even recently began working in the practice while our son is at preschool, our daughter is in 1st grade.  I have been supporting my wife’s career and dreams for the past 10 years and our lives are completely intertwined.  I set aside my career to support hers and it has become a major part of my life, happiness, and identity.  I love this woman with my entire being. I love our family, the challenges we overcame together to get here.  I love this life!

We tossed around the possiblity of an open marriage, then I reeled that back because I wasn’t being authentic. Last week we had a couples counseling session that ended on a hopeful note, we even had amazing sex that night.  Today I was scheduled for a vasectomy that I scheduled long before any of this came to light.  On the way to the appointment she questioned whether I should go through with the procedure because she now believes that she will not be my wife much longer. I went through with it anyway because I’m done having children, but I laid there weeping through the entire procedure.  I’m home now contemplating all of this and in all honestly if it weren’t for the kids I would probably end it.   That’s not an option though.  I don’t want them to grow up fatherless. 

She talks about buying a second house and me still working for her, taking care of the kids and all the supportive stuff that I did before, but without the sex and the connection that made it all worthwhile.  I would do anything to salvage this relationship.  She says that she deserves to feel the feelings she had with that woman and that all of this is more important than us.  I’m not in her shoes so I can’t understand.  This is my hell!

Last edited by Brett (February 9, 2018 6:37 pm)


February 9, 2018 8:14 pm  #2

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future

Yes, it is hell. You haven't changed, but she has and that really bites! It sounds like she has her ideal situation all figured out but with no thoughts as to what you want or if that is fair to you. Have you thought about a separate counselor for yourself? Glad you shooed away the suicidal thoughts but that's not a good situation to be in. You need to become your advocate and your best friend. It might seem like you're betraying the person you loved and made vows with but hasn't she already done that to you? Maybe not physically but perhaps emotionally. You would do anything but it appears she will not. That is an unbalanced relationship and not healthy. Keep posting.


February 9, 2018 10:29 pm  #3

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future

   Sometimes it's like all these coming out spouses all take their ideas from the same selfish playbook.  They want everything they have with their spouse but they also want what they don't have--and they seem to think the left behind and rejected spouse ought to be A-ok with the new situation!
  Brett!  Listen to yourself!  I mean, listen to what it is your body and your mind is telling you!  You lay there weeping as you had a vasectomy!  You knew in your gut that an open marriage was not in your best interests, and you "reeled back" from it! 
   What you loved isn't the wife you have now.  What you love is the life you had.  You don't have that life any more.  What you have is a wife in name only who thinks you are of great use to her.  She wants you to work for her as an employee and care for your children, while she leaves you behind emotionally and is free to fall in love elsewhere.  
  Stop trying to step into her shoes and "understand"!  She has done NO trying to understand what it is like in YOUR shoes!  Her idea that her desire to "feel the feelings she had with that woman" is MORE important than her relationship with you AND HER CHILDREN is all you need to know.
   I have been where you've been.  A lot of us have been there.  It's called shock.  It's called "this can't be happening." It's called, "Surely this is a temporary madness and we can go back to being what we were."  
   Go to see a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are.  Tell your family and your friends, and get some support.  Go see a therapist who can help you see how she's using your love for her to f*ck you over. 
  Dear God.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I've seen too many posts like this in the two and a half years I've been on these boards, and I just can't stand to see us turning ourselves inside out for these unbelievably selfish and self centered spouses who give NO thought to what this is like for us and trade on our shock and our love. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 9, 2018 10:31 pm)


February 10, 2018 12:32 am  #4

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future

Well, I really appreciate the bluntness and straight talk.  I guess I’m such a hopeless romantic that I don’t care if all of that is really her true motives.  We sit up at night and cry together almost every night now.  It some ways I feel so sad for her.  I want her to be happy.  If I have to lay down my life for her I will and at the risk of loosing my mind.  I know I’m a fool, but it feels right so I’m going to keep on being that fool.  I’m not going to seek the help of a lawyer or do any plan B contingencies.  I’m all in.  If she screws me over, at least I know I didn’t hold anything back, and I can live with that. And if I can’t, I won’t.

     Thread Starter

February 10, 2018 8:26 am  #5

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future

At least find yourself a therapist who can help you sort out your feelings.  


February 10, 2018 10:04 am  #6

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future

You love your children, right?  You love them enough to be a SAHD. You put their needs above yours. Is she doing the same?  They are the ones who need you to be hopelessly romantic about them. Do you want to protect your rights to stay in their lives as much as possible?  Talking to several lawyers about your parental rights is the greatest gesture of love you could make. Finding out your options will in no way jeopardize your ability to be all in. You would just be all in with some more information.

Last edited by Goonnowgo (February 10, 2018 10:04 am)


February 10, 2018 11:50 am  #7

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future

I don’t want to involve a lawyer. I feel like if it comes to it we could easily work out an amicable situation that we could both agree on. 

What I would like help with is how to cope with the day to day roller coaster of emotions that I’m experiencing.  My therapist is suggesting antidepressants, but I don’t really like that idea.

Also is there anything I can do to get my wife to see the value of our life together thus far.  All she seems focused on are those intense feelings she had with the other woman.  She doesn’t want to commit to continue our marriage because she feels like she deserves to have those feelings and she’s convinced she can’t have them for me. 

I agree that she should experience happiness and feel intense love, but in many ways it feels very selfish to be chasing after fleeting emotions.  We have an excellent life, I don’t understand why that just doesn’t seem to matter.  She says that I can’t understand because I’m not in her head.  I really can’t understand.

     Thread Starter

February 10, 2018 1:05 pm  #8

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future

It is possible to avoid a lawyer but you need to do a lot of research. I think what you should consider is mediation. If there's a lot of things you already agree on you might be able to avoid a lot of costs that way but legal knowledge is important when it comes to property, child support, custody and visitation rights, retirement incomes and estates. If you make a mistake you might discover you have no say in an important medical decision for one of the kids or that nothing would stop her from moving countries and taking the kids with her. A lawyer isn't there to pick a fight and get nasty, they are there to make sure your rights are protected and everything meets the law for your jurisdiction. It only gets nasty when the separation/divorce is non-amicable or there's lots of fighting over possessions, income or custody issues.

As was said earlier, educating yourself on a possible divorce doesn't mean you will.

You have the right to try to make this work but I can't see how that can happen if she isn't working with you towards the same goal. For me, I think my initial thought was that I could handle this type of situation. In reality there is a lot of truth in the saying that three's a crowd, and make no mistake, you will be # 3.

You mentioned crying together. Are you crying about the same thing? I'm speculating but I suspect you are crying because the relationship is breaking down and you are desperate to save it. I'm thinking she is crying because she knows you are hurting so there is at least some compassion for you. However, it doesn't seem like she wants to stop hurting you either.

You're right - we can't understand this. We do not have that same sex attraction, possibly something we have been denying for decades. Maybe something we convinced ourselves we could overcome with the right partner but we can't. It's deeper than an addiction, more like how we must have water to survive, a core need that isn't getting fulfilled. Sometimes the heart must rule the intellect.

There is a separate section here for people who are trying to make Mixed Orientation Marriages work. You won't get as wide a range of responses as you do in this section because it's intended as a safe-place to discuss this option with others who are also trying to make it work. No one is trying to push you into that forum. You are welcome to post in either if you want to get perspectives from both sides.

Stay well. It is a roller coaster. Try to have some back-up pastimes to distract you. Hobbies with groups or meetings. Take the kids to the playground, sleigh hill or ice rink. Whatever works to make you smile a little for a few moments and bleed off the pressure.


February 11, 2018 12:58 am  #9

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future

Brett - I noticed this comment you made in the M.O.M. section :

If I just leave for awhile, would I make this worse or better?

Be careful here. In some jurisdictions, depending on the nature or length of your departure, that might be considered as abandonment and could negatively affect you if things turn bad and ugly at some point down the road. It's true we may not be on similar paths but I would hate to see you, or anyone here, lose any amount of time with or access to your children.



February 11, 2018 8:23 am  #10

Re: SAHD devastated contemplating future


Leave and go where?   Would you want to leave your children?

Those kids will need someone that puts them first...and as much as you love your wife..she is not it.

If we forget about ourselves for a minute..rule #1 or #2 of a marriage is you don't hurt the kids.  But these spouses are doing just more about themselves than the children.

My kids are fine now but the best I could do was mitigate my GXs destruction....these kids will never know how much these gay spouses screwed them...financially mainly.  My GX to this day thinks she is the most wonderful mother..its a fantasy...a sick fantasy is their mind.

Do not leave your home.  Do not leave your children.  Even if they are very young they need you now more than ever.

I like to think that part of my kids doing well now is they saw dad was not going anywhere...I am their father..I did not go outside the marriage or put anyone else before them or their mother.   I kept my vows, promises, comittments..did everything a father should. 

Protect those kids from your spouses ignorance.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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