CA - you said:
"I do trust him for the most part and I do know that he truly desires me which makes things so hard. He has never acted depressed at all - he is always so happy go lucky and giving me affection. I think this is why this situation is so crazy! .........I feel like my head is spinning - it just all doesn't make sense. I also find it interesting that he was never going to tell me about the gay porn because he said it wasn't a "big deal" to him. We have been separated for about a month now and he said he looked at the porn again to see if he truly liked it - and he did.  He then responds with "but I love you and will never cheat on you"  

What you wrote above is word for word what my GID ex said.  Word for word.  He was always happy, affectionate, loved sex, I felt it was crazy and like my head was spinning too.  In his words, it was "no big deal" so he was never going to tell me except for when/if I found out (then why did he lie about it the first time if it was no big deal). Then he looked at it again "just to see if he truly liked it" (WORD FOR WORD ) and he did.  He told me "You should forgive and move on".  I did, it bit me in the ass.  And from your other posts I've also read that he said: "I'm ashamed".  But....unlike the end of your story, I have herpes.  That happened early on, right before we got married so I have a feeling there were things going on that I have no clue about.  Unfortunately I had a doctor that brushed it off, told me herpes could pop up in people 20 years later so I too brushed it off.  Had I had all the facts then about the gay porn and dildos and naked pictures of himself, I would have run.  But instead, I actually felt sorry for him and so began the next 10 years of my life. 

Also the same: "he tells me he loves me and isn't going to look at the porn anymore".  Been there, done that, bought what he was selling.  He lied.  You said he has never asked you to do anything kinky or to his rear.  Neither did mine....until about 8 years in.  That must have been when he decided that watching wasn't enough anymore.  He seemed like the most sexually normal guy ever.  Never asked for much more than normal sex.  Then I found his old emails from 8 years before, to an ex girlfriend about how he didn't know if he could marry me because I was too boring for him in bed.  Uh, I was just following your lead, jackass.  He was a completely different person inside than he portrayed to everyone outside. 

Get out now.  Please.  Tell your family the truth.  Don't feel bad for the three month thing.  Your family wouldn't want you to waste your youth on this man.  Mine was a manly man too.  Truck, built things, the whole 9 yards.  However, I notice the further he gets into his 50s (he's older than me) the more feminine his face becomes.  It's the weirdest thing.  He looks more like his sister (closet manly lesbian with a husband and two kids) every day.  Turns out his daughter is also a lesbian.  Why he won't just admit it and join the rest of his family is beyond me.  His parents have always been big supporters of the gay community and I had no idea why.  Could it be they knew their own daughter was one?  No clue. 

Again, please, cut your losses and begin your life again with a fresh start while you're still young.  You will spend the rest of your life trying to figure out things there are no answer to.  And along the way you might get an STD.  It's just not worth it. 

 

Hi Still Wondering,

Thank you for your advice. I can't believe your spouse said the same things as mine! Actually, my family knows about the situation and his parents know parts of it (they know he looked at the gay porn and that I should just forgive him and move on...ugh!). I also have talked to a few of my best friends about what is going on. I was in such a crisis mode I had to! I also moved in with my mom and stepdad about a month ago - which has been hard, but good too. It has given  me lots of time to think about things. 

May I ask how long  you and your ex have been divorced? How are you doing in life now? Are you able to date or trust again? Sometimes I feel like I might as well stay with him because things are just so messed up and who is going to want a divorced woman like me...but mainly I'm afraid I'll never trust again. Especially since I did NOT see this coming. I thought I knew him inside and out! It makes me feel like I"m stupid for not seeing "It." 

I got tested and do not have any STDs (thank god!) but I am going to go back in 6 months just to get checked again to be on the safe side. 

This is just a nightmare, however I have to say I'm not sure how I found this board but I am SO GLAD I did! 

I'd also like to mention a few other things about my spouse here. When we first started dating (about 4 months into the relationship) I found out he liked diaper porn (adult diaper porn) and he liked wearing diapers from time to time himself. I kinda shook this off as a "Well, everyone has their own fetishes" type of thing. I also recently found out that he paid to have sex with strippers and prostitutes about 8-9 years ago. Now on top of this he is looking at gay porn! I mean...my head is spinning and I don't know which way to look...adult diaper porn, sex with strippers, and gay porn! what in the world does this even all mean!?!

It is not necessary to figure out why your spouse or partner has same-sex attractions but only to figure out what marriage means to YOU and how much of that you are willing to live without.

This poem came to mind often in my marriage until my husband of 30+ years had a health crisis, his parents died and his gay buddies encouraged him to drop the "bi", dump me and embrace his gayness. 

Dream Deferred by Langston HughesWhat happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--
And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
     

His circumstances are not ours but we all have dreams. I am reclaiming mine, better late than never.
 

CA, I completely understand your feelings.  However, the BIGGEST mistake I made was thinking I could figure him out and directing my energy towards that. I also thought I could "fix" him - if I just loved him enough he would see that he has a great life and not need to look at gay porn, or step outside the relationship.  This was the WORST thing I could do. As someone on here recently told me, "Whatever he is, he isn't for me." 

I could no longer wonder if he was bisexual, gay, etc. I couldn't keep trying to label him.It wasn't my job or my burden to figure him out - that's his problem, that only he can figure out regardless of how much you try to help. All I knew is that the things he did made me uncomfortable and unhappy, and I refused to continue to life a life of hiding/covering up for him. I was tired of bending, and tired of constantly moving my boundaries to accept him, whoever he was. I allowed his coming to terms with his sexuality consume me and our relationship, and it ruined who I was. I lost myself.

Granted, had I read these posts when I first found out, and even when I did begin reading all of these similar stories I wasn't ready to accept the truth. I suspect you think the same. I thought, my situation is different, he's only done this or that, we are unique and can overcome this. I can accept is, and can bend to allow him to do XXX. But in reality, we were not unique and our relationship wasn't different, I just minimized what was truly happening as a coping/defense mechanism to protect my emotional and mental well-being. I desperately wanted to hear stories of other couples who thrived in this situation, and wanted to know ours could too and we'd live happily ever after. That was all just my sick brain trying to protect itself. 

You seem to be extremely unhappy now, especially since you are so newly married. How do you think you'll feel after a couple of years obsessing over this? After 10 years, 20 years, so on? You're happiness isn't going to change, but you'll keep bending and forcing yourself to okay with what he's doing. This is going to lead you on a dark emotional path.

Cameron and the others who've spoken about this speak the truth. There's nothing wrong with him. He can't change or control how he feels. You can't change him, EVER.  He's hidden this from you and others, and most likely himself. I couldn't imagine hiding who I am from myself, but have seen how painful it is by watching the man I love struggle and continue to try and be someone he's not. His rationalizations for why he looks at gay porn and does the things he does is unimaginably sad, because HE doesn't not accept who HE is. He so desperately wanted to be someone he wasn't he actually fooled himself. I wish I could take his pain away, because no matter how bad he's hurt me I know his actions weren't done to hurt me, but to scratch that itch that he's carried with him his whole life. 

Any way you cut it, it's an extremely difficult and sad situation. But you have to do what's best for you. You have to create your own boundaries and truly look at what you can and cannot accept. This isn't about him, it's about you. And you deserve to be happy and have a love that isn't built upon lies and deception - after all, that is what HE did to YOU, lied and deceived you by keeping this hidden from you. Don't think it's going to stop or change, no matter he says. He CANNOT control this, because this is WHO HE IS.

It's going to suck so bad, and it's going to hurt like no other pain you've ever felt. But trust that if you stay it is only going to get worse. He'll either go further than just looking at porn, or you'll be consumed with your own unhappiness, always wondering/searching for "what he is," or he'll be unhappy because he can't truly be all of who he is.  It's just a shitty situation and wish no one ever had to deal with this pain.