OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Time has Come to Confront Husband /Need Advice on Approach

cindys · February 4, 2018 10:09 pm

Here is what I do know:
1. 15 years ago, found gay porn magazines. I confronted my husband then and he told me co-workers were playing a joke on him. I choose to believe him.
2. Three weeks ago, I discovered 3 gay porn magazines, 2 dildos, anal sex toys, lubricate.
3. He has not had sex with me for over 10 years, he has ED.
4. He travels on business every week, multiple states.
5. he brought new bikini underwear, shaves pubic hair.
6. Found fecal matter in weird places on outside of pants and zipper.
7. Make inappropriate comments and jokes about gays
8. there is no evidence, yet, on his computer or i-phone of any hookups or sexual encounters with men.
9. Married 43 years and I am 63 years old. He is a good man, cares and love me....and I love him, BUT
now I am done. I want him to speak the truth to me, I know the truth, I believe w/o a doubt he is having sexual encounters with men.

So with those known facts, how to approach him? I thought about writing a letter rather than iniating a conversation. Stating in the letter, that I know his secret, that I will never reveal it to anyone but that I need him to speak the truth. Because I already know the truth, I know All of it. That I know he is having sexual encounters with men. Or just do it in a conversation. I did not plan on giving him specifics of what I know.....I don't want to show my hand. I will not be angry but calm in my approach. I do have somewhat of an advantage because I do complete "investigations" in my line of work, so he will be questioning what I do know.

So please give me your opinions on the best approach to use in order to hopefully get the TRUTH.

Thank you so much, Cindy

walkbymyself · February 4, 2018 10:42 pm

You’ve already gotten at the truth. FWIW I’m mulling over the same question — how to just casually work it into the conversation...?

In my situation, I don’t actually want to give him a chance to “explain” (lie) and like you I don’t want to give away my hand. I think when I screw up the courage, I will tell him that I know what really happened a little over ten years ago, but I thought it was not going to be repeated. Now I found the viagra which has thrown me into a tailspin, that it wouldn’t matter what his explanation might be because all trust has been gone, I know he has same sex attractions and I strongly suspect our daughter has suspicions as well. I never wanted an open marriage but by now I don’t suppose it matters, since I wouldn’t want to resume sex with him even if he did make the effort (an effort he hasn’t made for over two decades now). I would have been able to deal with living out my life in a sexless marriage, but finding out that he himself wouldn’t make the sacrifice he forced me to make is the one thing I can’t forgive.

Lake Breeze · February 5, 2018 12:13 am

Cindys - I wouldn't tell him that I would never reveal his "secret" to anyone. It is very important to think about yourself, and as you move forward with this, you might find it very helpful talk to others (close friends, family, children?) about what has been going on. I am personally not a big proponent of counseling, but most on here are, and if you do choose to see a counselor about this, you will also want to be free and not bound by some sort of promise, to be able to tell that person. If you decide you want a divorce, you will also probably want to tell the lawyer you work with. There is nothing wrong with telling others, when it is you telling your own personal story in a way that helps you move forward and heal. That is not at all the same as telling someone as a vindictive action. Do not lock yourself in with some sort of promise to him that you will never say anything to anyone else about this.

In general, I would not expect him to be all that cooperative or honest if you try to talk to him about this. Not all situations are the same, but I think it is more than likely that he will deny, deflect, and/or find ways to make this all somehow your fault, etc. It is very typical in these situations. If he has not voluntarily come to you on his own to talk about this, the odds of him being honest and "coming clean" if and when you bring it up are pretty slim. In that regard, I don't know if a person to person conversation or a letter makes much difference.

I am sorry that you are in this predicament, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Last edited by Lake Breeze (February 5, 2018 12:18 am)

cindys · February 5, 2018 3:53 am

walkbymyself and lake breeze, thank you for responding. It helps me so much getting your opinions. I just discovered more info tonight, very disturbing info. I decided to read my husband's medical records which were on line thru his medical provider. I knew he had Hepatitis A 10 years ago but now in addition to that, he has "hepatitis B Carrier" noted in his diagnosis. He never told me. So even though we have not had sexual relations for 10 years, I feel I need to get tested since Hep B can be contracted thru sharing saliva. The betrayal of this is unbelievable. I definitely need no further proof......I am now 100% sure he has had sexual encounters with men.

My marriage of 43 years is over, ................

phoenix · February 5, 2018 9:41 am

cindys,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. At least now you have the proof you need. At this point you can move forward without any lingering questions or wondering if you made the right decision.

Time to start walking forward with your own life. There is optimism for your future.. You're going to be happy. It just takes a little work to get there. Start doing some homework on divorce laws in your area. Consult an attorney or two or three and start making plans.

Let us know how we can help support you.

Kel · February 5, 2018 10:07 am

Cindy,

A lot of us find out the truth through bits and pieces of information that make a picture. And we feel that we need more proof, and they need to admit the truth to us. It's natural human nature to want this. But.... what if you don't get that? What if all you get are more lies and excuses, anger that you've "snooped", self-pity as his poor, confused life's path, and assurance that he DOES love you and isn't betraying you, or will never betray you again? That's what you're likely to get, along with a good hardy dose of "everything's fine now" after only a day or so. Maybe even some "love bombing" to help make you feel sure that he loves you and all is okay.

The real question is, are you happy? Have you been happy over these past 10 years that you haven't been experiencing any physical intimacy from him? Can you be happy knowing that he's lied to you, deceived you, lived a life you've known nothing about, and that if you resumed physical relations, you're putting your life at risk? If you haven't been happy, and you can't see how you can be happy moving forward, then it's time to think about you, and what you want to do to make things different.

Do not be fooled into thinking that complete honesty will make it all better. My 14 year-old daughter came to me last week and was honest about showing me a hickey on her neck before I found out myself. Appreciated? Sure. Was all fine now because she was honest with me? No! You're FOURTEEN and this happened IN MY HOUSE while your boyfriend and you were under our supervision! Things will change now. No, a hickey's not the end of the world. But it's not "fine" just because she was completely honest about it, either. The issue of honesty is resolved. The other is not. Him being honest about him being gay or having repeatedly cheated on you is only PART of the issue. The other part is that HE'S GAY. And honestly, that's the real issue. The honesty issue comes into play because if he loved you as he says he does, then he would have given you that information, because that truth makes a difference. And he KNEW that. Which is why he kept it from you.

You should absolutely NOT promise him that you'll never tell anyone. This is YOUR LIFE, too. His secret is part of YOUR story. If you choose at some point to tell that portion of YOUR story to someone, then it's your absolute RIGHT. You may choose to do it in a way that is kind to him. Or you may decide say f*ck it after he shows you his true colors after his closely-guarded secret is revealed. Please take a look at how he's done you with his actions, his lies, his manipulation of your life. Get angry. The truth is NOT all that matters. He's done irreparable harm, and you have every right to be angry about it and rage at him. This is NOT all about him. HE already made it that way - it's never the way it was supposed to be, and it shouldn't be both of you on his side now at the risk of no one looking after you. He was supposed to be your protector and champion - and he knew that. He's betrayed you horrifically on many levels.

I'd figure out what you wanted to do before you confronted him. And then instead of making this about him and his secret and how ALL you need is the TRUTH, make it about how you KNOW the truth already - no thanks to him. He's taken advantage of you for decades. You're not happy, you haven't been happy, and have decided there's no way for you to make this work. Then tell him how you intend to proceed, and what you expect of him as part of that plan. Then be ready for the fireworks to fly. Because they will. He's been hiding his true self from you all along. He's not the man you thought he was. He's someone else entirely. And you don't even know that person. But he's in there. And you will see him soon enough. These people have had to kill off any human compassion they had in order to do this to another person. They have been acting the part of a normal spouse for years. When it's revealed who he really is, and he has no more reason to hide it, you will begin to see someone you don't even recognize. Be as prepared as you can for that. Because it can and will take your breath away.

I'm sorry for my bluntness. I want you to think of the other side of this.

Kel

Still Wondering · February 5, 2018 10:13 am

Cindys, I'm so sorry you're here. You list mirrored mine almost point for point. So I'll give you my experience in asking him to tell the truth....

Writing a letter gives him a chance to react (silently by himself) and then formulate a response. You don't want that. You want to see his reaction and to watch him formulate his response right in front of you. You are correct - never display your hand. You hold the cards right now. He doesn't need to know what you know. And the sad thing is that (at least my in experience) they never tell the truth. You'll get admissions to only the tip of the iceberg based on what you've found. Then, next time you find something else you'll get another half assed admission. Mine stated the same way. 1. it was just a pop up on the internet 2. I was just curious ever since that pop up 3. the dildos were for you (even though we didn't use those) 4. the red g-string underwear were bought because I thought you'd like them (gross). On and on and on.

Finally, after I realized he would never tell the truth I was able to drop it and just move on, though it took a while. There were even times where I sat him down and said: ok, I've found yet another thing you've hidden so before I tell you what that is, is there anything else you want to tell me??? Nope, nothing. He wouldn't speak until he knew my hand. He denied. He still denies today after being divorced 5 years.

Good luck in your journey. It sounds like you have a good handle on your feelings about the whole situation and that's half the battle. We're here if you need to vent and ask further questions!

Lyonene · February 5, 2018 11:50 am

Cindy,

I would ask myself were I you, what I need more truth for. Is it to help me make a decision? Is it to discover how deeply I've been betrayed? There's a reason you want to hear more. Figure out what that reason is before you jump into a confrontation. Get your head straight on where you are in this.

I have a bit of a different history with the confrontation portion. I came down on him like the wrath of God. I was furious, enraged, saw nothing but red and wanted to crush the truth out of him. I gave him no opportunity to plot his story, no chance to conjure more lies, and literally threatened (and meant it) wrecking his life with everyone he knew including taking his son from him. Permanently. After all he'd done I felt I owed him nothing and he owed me everything. The result was about a 90%/10% mixture of terror blurted truth and softballing the reason why.

Granted, my history with him was extreme and involved more than just tgt. It also involved my health, abuse, etc. Extremely messy.

At any rate, there's no right way to go about this. You've got to do what feels right to you. I would encourage you again, figure out why you need/want to hear more before you open this up.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

Abby · February 5, 2018 1:10 pm

I liked what Sean said as suggested steps 4 and 5:

Tip #4: Once you've ensured your financial safety/security, have consulted with a lawyer, and have gathered evidence that he's gay, I'd suggest the following. Print out his Craigslist messages, compromising emails, photos, Grindr chats, porn history, or gather up his dildos/lube. Make sure you have photos/copies of everything and store them in a safe place. Then put it all on the kitchen table and write a three-word note: "I know everything." Then sit back and let him come to you. Remember that this isn't an argument. When we argue, we're open to another person's opinion. If your husband has sex with men and no longer has sex with you, then it's not up for debate. He's gay. No amount of therapy, pleading, nor tears are going to change that basic fact. If he's having sex with men and not you (nor any other woman), then he is GAY GAY GAY. And it's never going to change.
Tip #5: After whatever lapse in time you deem is appropriate, you're then ready to have a one-sided conversation: "I know you're gay. I'm not going to debate it. And this is what I'm going to do...."

I think it is important that you be as fully prepared as possible so that you are not ASKING him for an explanation but TELLING him that you are onto him and that your mind is made up and you are filing for divorce. Whether you do it in person or by letter is up to you. Finding an attorney you will use and knowing how to proceed under the laws where you live is very important as you make your plans.

Where I disagree with Sean is waiting for him to come to you. You probably do not want to hear what he has to say because likely it will only cause more pain. Nothing he can say is going to change the facts and sobs or fury are not going to keep you around. My advice is to avoid him afterward and focus on what needs to be done to end the marriage and move on with your life.

Kel · February 5, 2018 2:19 pm

I agree wholeheartedly with Abby. Gather your information, go see a lawyer, formulate a plan, and then TELL HIM what you're going to do. It doesn't matter if HE agrees that him having sex with men (and not you) makes him gay or not. It makes him a dishonest cheater, at the least. It doesn't matter if he agrees with you on your chosen course of action. He sure as heck wasn't looking for you to agree with HIM on HIS course of action.

You can decide to be kind to someone while telling them you are no longer open to them taking advantage of you. It's not mean to decide you want out just because they appear to be hurt over your choice. He wasn't concerned about how his actions appeared (because he thought you weren't smart enough to find out). He wasn't concerned for your safety. You are not safe with this man - he is not concerned with your feelings, the commitment he promised, your physical safety from disease, etc. He will claim that he is, but his actions betray him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Kel

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February 4, 2018 10:09 pm #1

Time has Come to Confront Husband /Need Advice on Approach

February 4, 2018 10:42 pm #2

Re: Time has Come to Confront Husband /Need Advice on Approach

February 5, 2018 12:13 am #3

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February 5, 2018 3:53 am #4

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February 5, 2018 9:41 am #5

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February 5, 2018 10:07 am #6

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February 5, 2018 10:13 am #7

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February 5, 2018 11:50 am #8

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