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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:00 pm)

HW,

I'm terribly sorry you find yourself here.

Daryl is spot on with everything he says. No amount of aging, weight gain, or whatever turns a straight man gay. Vice versa applies. No amount of anything turns a gay man straight.

Porn consumption is a factor in creating sexual dysfunction (mental/emotional), does have negative physical sexual impact (pied/ed), and does desensitize the habitual viewer. What it doesn't do is change someone's orientation. Logically, if that was the case, you'd have to consider chronic porn use a form of successful orientation conversion therapy.

Duped is correct about STD testing. You would be wise to accept nothing he says as the truth right now. The line "nothing has ever happened in real life" is so typical it's laughable. It's a cookie cutter response. Please watch out for yourself and your health.

Lastly, the shame is not yours. The shame is his, and he knows it. If the shame were not his, and he 100% aware of it - why all the years of secrecy, hiding, and lies? It belongs to him, HW. Don't take that on, it doesn't reside with you.

Go easy on yourself. This is a hard enough thing to deal with without heaping wrongful blame upon yourself. Try and rest, eat well, and vent in a safe manner. Here, to a trusted friend, to a counselor, whatever feels safe. It helps to speak out and not let this fester within you.

Best to you.

Hi HW,

Welcome to the place no one wants to have to be.  We're here for you.

I would say that you have NO reason to believe the whole "I've never met up with anyone from all the ads I'm looking at on CL".  What reason does he have for telling you if he had?  He's already scared that you found out that much.  Telling you more would not serve any purpose for him.  What IS the purpose of looking through said ads if not for the purpose of "shopping"?  And what man goes window shopping?  They go shopping with the singular purpose to find what they're shopping for, obtain it, and leave.

Unlike straight encounters, in gay sex there is no one to put the brakes on.  It's typically the man pursuing, and the female withholding.  With two pursuers, it's all business, very quickly.  And unless they're interested in meeting up again, there doesn't need to be any contact after an encounter.  They both want nothing more than to get their rocks off and move on.  There's no "wining and dining" phase to men looking for gay sex hookups - it's all "you wanna?", and then straight to planning phase of meeting up, and then straight onto the end product.

I found my ex looking online once for other gay males in the area.  It was on Yahoo Personals, so it didn't say it was purely for hookups.  But he was looking for other gay men.  He claimed he hadn't even seen the match before I did.  But...... even if that WERE true,..... what's the deal, man?  I was in a position where I was begging, crying and carrying on about how little physical/sexual intimacy we were sharing, and here he was, shopping around for someone else to give it to?  It's SO distasteful.  I am literally begging you for something that you're telling me you'll try harder on, WHILE you're looking to give it to someone else?  What the actual f*ck, ya know?  It was as bad to me as if he'd gone out and cheated with a female.  It wasn't even an "accidental" affair - where you fall in love with someone at work.  It was INTENTIONAL - he was SEEKING to betray me.  All while he fed me lies about how much he DID want me, but that he just "wasn't a high drive sex person". That's complete horseshit.

This isn't your fault.  He's been lying to you about who he is, what he desires, and what it will take to fulfill him.  He lied because he wants other aspects of the relationship with you (maybe home stability, maybe companionship, maybe he just wants a beard), and so he'll keep secret the things that might take that away from him.  YOU are not his main concern - he doesn't respect your needs if he's taking from you to give to himself.  He is literally using you for whatever he wants, and doing what he wants on the side, too.  He's having his cake and eating it, too.

It doesn't matter if he admits he's gay, or even if he IS gay.  He's in a straight relationship, and he's not giving you the intimacy required of a healthy, happy relationship, and he's out there seeking it from someone else.  That's.atrocious.  It's deceitful, it's unfaithful, it's disrespectful.  You don't have to figure out if he's gay.  You need to figure out if this is the life you want, and how to proceed from this point.  Please know that them abstaining from gay activity does not make them straight.  If they desire gay interaction, and you're not a person of their same sex, then you are not the object of their desire.  Can you live with that?  He can stop cheating altogether (if possible), and it won't mean that his feelings toward you (and consequently, your relationship) are what they should be in order to be fulfilling for both of you.  It's like removing one branch that obscures your view from the tree outside your window, when the roots are uprooting the house.  You can improve the view, but the issue is still there, constantly, slowly destroying the foundation.  The view becomes immaterial.

I wish you the best.

Kel