I'm with you both.  I have no empathy for my ex.  I don't feel sorry for her because she struggled with her sexuality.  I don't feel sorry because she was and is selfish.  She took me hostage by lying to me and presenting a false front before we got married.  She lied to me throughout our marriage and inflicted emotional abuse by constantly rejecting me and continuing to lie to me.  She broke my heart by cheating on me and lying to me about that as well on a daily basis for months.   She deserves no empathy because she didn't handle herself in a way that deserves empathy.  

When a person is selfish and chooses to destroy another person's life in order to keep a secret they lose my respect and my empathy.  

Had to log back in for this. Kel's post is gold.

Did you see what she said point by point? "Did I do that to him?" "...distraught over how I treated him" "...I'm not approachable" "...I could have tried harder..."

Very telling. Not only do we make excuses, we put our own heads on the chopping block as well.

The funny thing is that for most people, they can only see their own side of the argument - they cannot or will not put themselves in your shoes to see how you feel, and how that could lead to your actions.  WE, on the other hand, literally have the opposite problem.  I don't think it's just one problem, either.  It's a combo:

1.  Empathy for others
2.  Ability to see that life is not just black and white.  This is actually a variation of #1; it means that we've learned that people are precious, and they are vulnerable, and that we can connect with them on a level that lets us understand that there are not "bad" people and "good" ones, but just..... people.  That if we know someone and can connect to them, we can feel for them, and relate to how they feel and how those feelings led to choices.
3.  Ability to understand people well and connect to them.  We figure them out, so to speak, and we understand what drives them, where their baggage is, and how that baggage affects them.
4.  We believe that we should treat others how we wish to be treated.  We do not see our behavior as being completely a reaction to their actions, but a choice we are in control of.  We continue to return poor behavior with a good response, because we think it is right, and good.
5.  We put others before ourselves.  If everyone did this, oh what a perfect world it would be!  But most don't - or only put certain people ahead of themselves - parents do it all the time for their young children.  Spouses SHOULD do it for each other.  But when you're the only one doing it in your relationship, things quickly become lop-sided.  We just keep being who we think we should be, and they just keep taking that advantage.  Until they feel entitled to our best, and we feel as though we should always be eating the scraps from the table.
6.  We have rose-colored glasses on.  Not just for our spouse, but for mankind in general.  We see the good in people.  We know that everyone has good in them.  We try to be thankful for what we have.  We think others operate as we do - it's pleasant and easy to believe this - particularly if you grew up in a good family focused on the greater good.  You share, you give, you assume only the best of intentions from others.
7.  We believe.  Because of #6, we believe what people are saying - even if it doesn't match up with their actions.  We are trusting people, and we will tell people the truth.  So when someone tells us they're sorry and will do better, we believe them.  We have empathy for them in their situation, so we give them another shot.  We wait patiently.  We assume nothing's going wrong until we see evidence of it again  We LIKE being trusting, and we choose it over and over and over again.  Even when it's not a good decision.  Because we love being the one who trusts.  So much so that when we shouldn't trust, we actually believe them when they tell us that the issue of trust is OURS.  It's not them who has created the trust issue with their actions, but US who have issues with trust.  We are then forced to prove that not to be the case.

What's all of this lead to?  Well, it can lead to something wonderful - IF you're with others who are like you.  If you are in a relationship with someone who routinely shows you that your trust and belief are well-placed and their intentions are always transparent, then it's GREAT.  Two honest people, focused on the other.  The issue comes when the other person is NOT honest and well-intentioned and transparent, but insists that they are anyway.  Then we just keep ramming out head into the wall, wondering why it keeps hurting.  It keeps hurting because we've let our hearts lead us when our head is telling us it's not a good bet.  "Even then", we say, "we just keep trusting" - as if this is a GOOD thing.  It's not - we're just so wrapped up in appearing to be that person who believes in people that THAT's become more important to us than, well..... US.

Give yourself permission sometimes to think and behave the way everyone else on the planet would in your situation.  What would someone else think if they were looking in?  We often make the mistake of knowing what others would think if they didn't truly know this person.  Scrap that trash.  What does it look like to the outsider?  Because that's what it is.  We all know that singular situations can look bad if someone doesn't have the whole story - we've all seen Three's Company or I Love Lucy enough to know this.  And some extra information can sometimes make all the difference - if someone sees your spouse never helping you but doesn't know they have a debilitating disease that leaves them mostly bed-ridden in their free time, then yeah - that would make all the difference.  But we take LOTS of incidents and put a blanket of "if they knew him, they'd understand" over it.  Why?  "Because they'd know how strong our love is and that it's special and that he would never intentionally hurt me that way because he LOVES me."  Ummmmmm,...... NO.  That is not a REASON.  That is your interpretation of why this person is good despite the shitty stuff they keep doing to you.  From the outside, it looks like he/she doesn't care very much for you.  Because it's obvious to everyone.but.you that that's the case.

Lord knows they don't need us making excuses for them; they'll make them all themselves.  It's US who's delusional.  They know what they're working with perfectly well.  It's us who don't want to face that truth sometimes.

Kel

Goonnowgo,

It does shake our belief system.

But these spouses are wrong on so many levels.

You or I could never do this to someone..we have empathy.   And that is what separates us from them.