CJ

When you are old and gray and lying on your death bed, will you look back and say that you are sure glad you stayed with this man because you needed his money?

Are you happy in a relationship with no intimacy?

Are you happy with the constant nagging lack of trust.  Do you enjoy laying awake at night wondering if he's cheating on you with his "best friend" who you are pretty sure is gay?

You gave a long list of clues about his sexuality.  Most of that list is non-conclusive, such as football, cleanliness, homophobia, etc.. as these are common in both straight and gay men.   But there is one that is plenty of proof.  You haven't had sex in two years and before that he required viagra and couldn't finish with you..   That means he isn't attracted to you.   period.    A straight man will not go two weeks without being intimate with his wife..  two years???   Unless he's preparing for a life of chastity as a monk. 


Go talk to an attorney and ask questions about divorce.  Since you are worried about money, get their opinion on what kind of divorce settlement and alimony you would get.  You might be surprised to find out that you will be well cared for.  If that is the case I suspect it makes your choice easier. 

CJNewYork wrote:

Phoenix,

I appreciate your response. Im not happy with the lack of intimacy, but I am reaching menopause, so my sexual drive could go either way at this point.  We have been living together for about 4 years not married, so I don’t believe I have any legal rights. I feel that he may offer me some support. Somehow I am not as jealous of him cheating with a man as I would be a woman.  Is this crazy? Maybe I am just in shock, I don’t know. 

I guess my dilemma is that he has not come out.  I can’t even bring it up as I fee he would deny.  He actually told me last week that he is not gay, but I don’t believe him.  All day little snippets of him having a crush on a male gardener, he wanting to hang out with some 20 something guys at a bar...all of this is so raw at the moment.

Right now I cannot move.  I would have to move back to my country and give up everything I have worked for in the last 5 years.  I don’t have credit here yet and could not afford rent based on what I make.  Do people sometimes stay with their spouses?  I have been cheated on by my previous long term partners, and not sure which is worse.
 

CJ,  
Sorry I didn't read correctly when you said he was your partner and not spouse.  In this case, you are right that not being married to him means you wouldn't get the legal benefits of a divorce like alimony and division of assets.  I'm sorry for that. 

I understand your concerns over finances and how that would make you want to stay with him.  

I would advise that you start exploring means to support yourself in case he chooses to separate from you entirely.  It would be wise to be prepared. 

I’m sorry you’re struggling CJ.

When people write here that something terrible happened and their partner ended things abruptly, most of us here think no, a GREAT thing happened here.

This man sounds awful, so what if he pretended to care in December, he doesn’t now. And yes most people have experienced the aggression and narcissistic discard by these people.

His decision to end this is the best thing that could have happened.

I'm glad you found proof so that you can stop expending energy on answer the question of whether or not he is gay.  You are right when you say that you can't get back 6 years of your life.  But you can focus on owning and making the best of the rest of it.  You can focus on how to move forward with your life. 

I wish I could help with the legal advice regarding how to assure yourself that he'll support you.  Do you know if NY has any laws to protect you being evicted from him apartment?  If he can't "throw you out" then perhaps you can use that as bargaining chips to make sure he does support you.  Perhaps you could get something in writing from him saying that he will give you a certain amout upfront or per year, etc.. 

One other bit of leverage you have is the fact that he doesn't want anyone to know that he is gay.  Let me be very careful in how I state this..   You don't want to blackmail or extort him..  But his intense desire to stay in the closet could help motivate him to honor his agreement to support you if he feels that will help you remain quiet.  I was able to come to an unspoken and unwritten agreement with my ex through some very subtle hints.  She more or less agreed to honor our financial mediation agreements and I would keep quiet about the cause of our divorce.

My fear for you is that he's been lying to you from day 1, so why would he follow through now on a promise to support you.  I would try to get something contractual or up front while you still have some leverage.