Hi Jon,

In this situation, ALL you can do is behave in a way that will cast a favorable light on you. The better you look, the more your ex wife's behavior will be confusing to others.  That means that you look amazing, and she looks nuts and mean.  How much better can it get than that?

How people view you starts with how YOU view you. If you view yourself as the man your ex left for a woman, then you expect others to see you as that,too.  It's been a long time now. You are your OWN man, Jon.  And at this event, you are also the proud, beaming father of the beautiful bride. You can also choose to be a guy who looks good, looks happy, and seems well-balanced and healthy (mentally).  You do this by being proud of how you look, and wearing that attitude all day. You do it by focusing on your daughter on her special day. You do it by standing proud as you walk your baby girl down the aisle.

When you cast others in a favorable light, it casts YOU in that same light. We all know those people who only complain and try to make others look bad.  But it makes THEM look bad.  The opposite is also true, if done with authenticity and sincerity.  Be kind to your ex - you don't need to kiss her ass to congratulate her on the wedding of her daughter.  Pick something out that you can compliment - "you look amazing today". This behavior not only lifts the tension, but it makes your daughter happy to see two people that she loves behaving.  It makes her proud of you.

You don't have to say a thing about your ex in order to make your speech.  You can allude to her, or choose not to. "The first time I saw you, I experienced a love unlike any other I'd ever known before..... or since". Or "The woman you've become makes your mother and I very proud to be your parents". (It's true, right??).

Untether yourself from being her ex and see yourself as the parents of your beautiful daughter on her happiest day.  You'll do great!

Kel

I agree with Kel - There's no reason for you to mention or even allude to your ex in your speech.  This day is about your daughter and her new husband.  If your daughter wants to get up and give a speech about the two of you then that's up to her to do so.  But I've haven't heard many Father's of the Bride include the Mom in the speech.  Don't even give it a second thought. 

Show up looking spiffy and you'll kill it!  And everyone you know from your entire life who is close enough to be invited to a wedding will now know what's going on.  Just imagine the looks on people's faces  who didn't know (if there are any remaining who didn't know).  Trust me, it's won't be an oh poor Jon moment.  It will be an ooohhhhh I see moment and you'll come out looking like the hero. 

Jon, the wedding may well have already happened but I just wanted to add to the chorus that your daughter's wedding day is a joyous celebration that is all about her.  Enjoy the intense feelings of pride and love you have with HER.  Soak up every minute and spare as few thoughts as possible about your ex.  And remember that whether she lets on about it or not, SHE is feeling more fear and discomfort than you, as she rightly should.  You have no responsibility for her comfort or feelings any more.  Put on that suit, buff your shoes, and delight in the beautiful bride.  Your toast is all about that beautiful girl and your wish that she find every happiness in her new union.  Saying next to nothing (or literally nothing!!) about your ex will speak volumes.  If sad, painful thoughts of your own wedding intrude, push them away.  You can always feel that pain later, but don't process at a time you will want to be building better, sweeter memories to cherish.  Be brave and determined ... you can do this with style.

John,

I'm assuming the wedding happened already.  How'd it go?

Kel