I think you've got plenty of symptoms, and you're afraid to misdiagnose the illness.  Understandable.  However, even doctors at some point say that the most likely outcome is X, and start treating for that illness.  They have the advantage of knowing that if the person gets better, they hit the right diagnosis.  The Gay Thing doesn't give us that luxury.  The problem is that it seems that the only proof that seems good enough to us is our spouse saying, "Yes, I'm gay".  If they never say it, we never seem sure.  We always worry that all the proof in the world combined with them saying "I'm NOT gay!" still isn't enough.

All I can tell you is that the symptoms you're seeing are pretty serious.  A man never initiating sex is serious.  A husband only performing quick, perfunctory sex is an issue.  A lack of intimacy in a marriage is a huge issue.  And where does he say he's going at night after you've all gone to bed?  Wherever it is, something's wrong with that.  And the "vanishing act" - is it just emotional vanishing, or physical as well?  Either is a problem - a BIG one.  When you throw the other issues on top (the closeted bff, scratch marks on his back, and blowing off sex with you to hang out with his bff outside of the house), I don't know what other diagnosis you CAN come to.  But even if you never get a true diagnosis, you've got enough problems going on there that you can tell yourself that you deserve better than this crazy crap.  It's not supposed be this hard.

I would be doing exactly what you thing you should - get checked for STDs and get your financial house in order, and see a divorce lawyer.

Best to you -

Kel

Marriages end for all kinds of reasons.
Whether he ever confesses or you ever find proof (should you choose to try), will not change the fact that he has never been truly engaged in the marriage.

If you are unhappy and he is unwilling to completely commit to do whatever it takes improve, then you may have some reason to continue. However, given what you've already written, he never was fully engaged in the relationship. He was going through the motions; acting, pretending. He isn't the man you believed you married. He's the man he needed you to think he was. He knows you well enough, in his mind, to believe that you would never leave him, no matter what.

I strongly suggest you make a plan for yourself, regardless of your short or long-term expectations of what he might or might not do. Get ALL and I mean ALL of your finances in order. Make copies of EVERYTHING and put them in a safe place; including all assets, tax returns, etc. I would go so far as meeting with several attorneys who offer their first hour consultation for free. Take the list of financial information with you, along with your list of questions. Edit the questions as you see each attorney. If you are in a no-fault state, with very very few exceptions, infidelity means nothing.

If you can, find a reputable therapist. Don't look for someone with expertise in this area, because they're more scarce than a politician with scruples. What you DO want is someone who understands narcissism (your husband) and codependency (you).

You might also consider joining the mailing list that is part of the Straight Spouse Network. It is a private list, as is the str8s FB page. There are str8s everywhere. There are also groups in some parts of the country that actually meet on a fairly regular basis. Where do you live? Someone from SSN can give you the name of a str8 spouse contact in your area.

Whatever you do, know that you've done nothing wrong. You didn't make him gay. You didn't make him lie. The orientation is not a choice; all of the behaviors are.

You're not alone. We get it. Keep posting. Take care of yourself.
Patti in CA
 

I had no proof when I left or so I thought. I did not find out about TGT until after we had been through a lengthy separation and our divorce was finally completed. But it turns out that hindsight is 20:20 and I actually did have proof of his cheating and infidelities.  I just never saw it clearly and I never understood it.  I think almost everything you wrote could fall into the category of red flags and proof.  Further, he is also hinting, broaching, grooming you for the idea that he does not want to be married to you anymore.

You are right and your intuition and your gut are both screaming at you. It is time to have a Plan B for yourself and your child.  In addition to getting tested for STD's and getting your financial house in order you must get an attorney.  An attorney in your home State will be able to help you get your ducks in a row and he/she will be able to advise you as to what you can expect. Getting this legal information is imperative and will help you make informed decisions for your future. 

Don't get hung up on trying to have rock-solid proof or trying to understand why he does the things he does or trying to understand TGT, or believing the words and excuses he may try to butter you up with.  Actions do speak louder than words.  If he is leaving you in the middle of the night, when he could lean over and be with you, he is meeting someone.   I am so sorry.  You and your children deserve so much more. 

If you are finding it difficult to take action, break down all you have to do into baby steps.  Perhaps make one phone call today to find a lawyer  and another call to make a gyro appointment tomorrow.  You don't have to do everything at once. I lived by a "To Do" list for the first year because it was the only way I could function.  This is not easy and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.  But there is an authentic good and happy life waiting for you on the other side of his closet.  It is just hard to see that good life now.


 

My XH's excuse for missing time in the middle of the night was: "He had to think, he went for a long drive so he could think."

This did not happen but a few times a year, but I was always unnerved by it and thought it strange.  Now I know what he was doing.  Absences during the day time were undetectable due to the nature of his work and work-related travel. But towards the end I had a few people calling me and wondering where he had been including one of his doctors tried to strongly hint at his activities, but I just did not get it.  

Ugh, I hate to admit that I was extremely naive and too trusting and put up with way too much stuff over the years. Back then I just never thought that the person you loved and were committed to would be so deceitful. Life really is so much easier and sweet when you are away from TGT.  My Str8 guy never disappears.