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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:04 pm)

My ex gay dh wasn't "manly", but he was raised by a single mom.  He barely knew how to turn a screwdriver, much less do anything that a dad would have taught him.  So I didn't think this odd.  He was very into his home - keeping it clean, having it nicely decorated, even cooking.  But when I dissect this, it doesn't make him gay.  My current husband is very much into our home too.  Many a great chef are male.  My current husband is more masculine than my ex in that he loves cars and golf.  But heck, many women like those things, too.  My ex could be particular about his physical appearance, but not in unusual ways - he just liked certain clothes from certain stores, and had a specific style.  But it wasn't gay.  It was more...... 90's.  Lol.

The only part of him that really bugged me was our intimate life.  It was...... off.  He didn't pursue me, and pushed me off when I made advances.  He didn't look at me during lovemaking.  He wasn't very adventurous in the bedroom.  He seemed not to notice me unless he was complimenting my outfit of my blue eyes.

So no,..... nothing was a sign that he was gay.  When I revealed it to my family and friends, many of them said, "What???".  Others said, "I had a feeling".  But they never did give examples as to what those feelings were born out of.  He certainly didn't dress gay, or act gay, or talk gay.  He still doesn't.  No dead giveaways.

It wasn't difficult to live with a man who cooked and cleaned and dressed nicely and helped with the kids.  It was difficult to feel invisible - as though he had desires, and I wasn't it.  It was difficult that my happiness (or lack thereof) didn't seem to matter.  It was intolerable to go on living in that scenario when I knew it wasn't going to change, and me making a choice to stay meant me choosing to stay unhappy.

As for financial security, maybe I'm not getting that as much because well, frankly, I've never had any anyway.  I have a home and a vehicle and all the typical American trappings.  And I have debt and only a small amount in our retirement savings (having just used some for the downpayment on our home).  We're nearing 50 and my financial life resembles that of a 30 year-old.  I'm still fighting my way up that hill.  So for me, it wasn't a matter of whether parting would take away our nest egg.  It was whether or not I could survive with the kids on just my income.  If so, it would have been in a 2 bedroom apartment in a neighborhood without decent schools or safe streets.  I've never had a life I was comfortable living - never had stuff paid off and all my utilities paid up and money to go out for pizza.  Never.  It's all I'd ever want.  So I was never giving up what I saw as financial happiness in order to leave.  My choice was more about survival.  And still, I did it.  Because if someone would have asked me if I'd have paid $X to get away from my unhappiness, I'd have done it.  It would have been worth it.

I'm not here to convince anyone to leave, though.  I'm here to support.  We all have different things that will make us happy or anxious.  For me, the thought of staying in my unhappiness for another 20 or 40 years made me panic much more than having trouble making ends meet.

Kel