Abby wrote:

Please don't assume that all stories of sexual abuse as a child are bogus. I know that my ex was molested by an older relative when both were children. Other members of his family knew not long after it happened. The relative came from a religious family, married a woman and as far as I know is still married to her. They are very conservative and church-going and who knows if he still has same-sex attractions.

Absolutely Abby.  I should have been more clear on that.  I would never assume all of the stories are bogus.  Unfortunately it does happen (all too often) and it's tragic.  

Thank you Abby. What you wrote seems to support my opinions about gay husbands claiming child abuse. You wrote: 

1. My ex told me [about being sexually abused as a child] either before our marriage or shortly thereafter.

My point was that he told you on his own at the beginning of your relationship and not when his back was against the wall. If a straight spouse only hears about child abuse when she's ready to separate and divorce, I'd urge her to be skeptical about his claims of child abuse because it sounds like a bit of a "Hail Mary" on his part. 

2. Over the years his siblings made comments about this person and as I recall his brother also had been molested by him and may have been the one who told their mother. This man and his wife lived out of the area so the only time the family saw him was at family funerals where they pretty much avoided him.

​This confirms what he told you. Compare that with what I've read about most often here. A gay-in-denial husband claims he was molested by some unspecified person or family member and refuses to provide any details. When pressed by his caring wife, he says the molester is "now dead" or "lives far away" and swears you to never talk about it with his family. That sounds like bullsh*t whereas your ex-husband's story sounds true.  

3. My husband is the one who told me he was gay and wanted a divorce.

​He sounds like an honest man because he told you the truth: "I'm gay." Contrast that to a husband sleeping with other men via Craigslist who continues to claim "I'm straight and only f*ck men because you're too demanding sexually. Oh and I was also molested but never told you to protect you." If he's still denying and blaming, then why should you believe his claims of child abuse? 

4. He did not overtly use the abuse to keep me in the marriage but I took my vows seriously and "in sickness and in health" to me included this wound. If he had not decided he wanted out I was so diminished that I am sure I still be married to him and waiting I suppose for death t[b]o do its part. It was wonderfully freeing to finally understand that I was not inadequate as a [/b]wife no matter what he might want to believe and I can get along with him now because by leaving he made me the happiest woman in the world!

​So to re-cap, I'm saying that when a straight spouse hears from her husband "I was molested as a child and that's why I'm gay" she should go through the following list: 

​1. Did he discuss the abuse at the beginning of your relationship (when there was no threat of a breakup)? If yes, it's probably true. If he brought it up in the context of you catching him cheating (yet again) and seriously considering separation and divorce, I'd be more skeptical. 

​2. Does his family know about the abuse, are they open about it, and have you discussed it with them? If yes, it's probably true. If however he's vague as to the identity of his abuser, this person is dead or lives far away, and he swears you to never discuss it, again I'd be skeptical.

​3. Is he generally an honest and caring person? If he's admitted that he's gay and has a history of being kind and honest with you, then his claims of childhood abuse are probably true. If however he still maintains he's straight, despite proof that he's sleeping with men, and has a history of lying, manipulation and abuse, I'd try to get more information about the abuse before believing him.

​4. What's his goal? Pay close attention to what happens after the child abuse claim. If the motivation is to get professional help to improve your relationship, then it's probably a true story. If however he's using childhood abuse to deny his homosexuality, justify why he's sleeping with men, and/or paint himself as the victim, I'd question the veracity of his story.

​I hope that helps friends. Please feel free to comment.  

Last edited by Sean (January 12, 2018 2:24 pm)

Sean wrote:

​Most gay/straight relationships follow a similar pattern, and that pattern is:

​1. Courting/Dating: He (the gay-in-denial boyfriend) seems so kind and sensitive.
​2. She (the girlfriend) suspects he's gay but quickly moves into the "he's my soulmate" mode and denies it.
​3. She's troubled by his lack of interest in sex.
​4. Married: There is less and less intimacy and zero desire during now infrequent sex. This inevitably leads to conflict.
​5. Detective: She starts snooping through his emails, phone, or computer history.
​6. Discovery: She finds Craigslist messages, gay porn history, or text/emails proving cheating with men. This is often when she starts posting here. 
​7. Confrontation: She confronts him, "Are you gay?"
​8. Denial: He denies that he's gay (even though he's f*cking men), claiming "curiosity" "childhood abuse" or some other bullsh*t story. He swears he'll never do it again.     
​9. Double Down: The couple doubles down on the relationship out of fear or a vow to stay together "for the kids." This often means couples counselling, or he has a renewed interest in sex. It lasts just weeks or months.  
​10. Repeat: They go through three or more cycles of discovery; confrontation; denial; and double down. He gets more abusive each time, often claiming (unbelievably) that it's her fault he's f*cking men. What!? This is when he'll often start pushing hard to open up the marriage. She may post here about a mixed orientation marriage (MOM).
11. Breaking Point: Under intense strain, she starts breaking down physically, mentally, and emotionally. She's drowning because she's trying to swim with this *sshole, cheating liar on her back.
​12. Separation/Divorce: In the interest of survival and perhaps protecting her kids, the couple separates and divorces.

​We skipped step 2; I had no idea when we were dating.  I thought he had a low libido, nothing more.  I also never did any kind of detective work; I refused to be "That Woman" who does stuff like that.  But, he ultimately made a few mistakes and left clues lying around unintentionally.  I have also never confronted him, so all the subsequent steps after the "confrontation" haven't happened.

​I'm holding off, partly because I need to be clear with myself about what my goals and needs are -- and partly because I suspect using the language of "confrontation" isn't going to be helpful.  In fact, I'm not even sure there's going to be a two-way conversation.  I may simply end up laying out my case and leaving it there: I know for a fact that he cheated on me during the time leading up to 2006, but we had so many difficult things to deal with at the time that I chose not to make an issue of it.  I had good reason to believe that he would not cheat on me again, and that was enough for me.  When I discovered evidence of his activity a month or so ago, it really sent me into a tailspin.  I have very limited options for what to do now, and none of them look good, but I am not going to be lied to any more.  If there's anything he's up to that he's so ashamed of he has to hide it from me, perhaps he should consider not doing it at all.  Living a lie is exhausting for all of us.

​That's all I have to say to him, and going forward if we remain married we are going to be absolutely and unambiguously clear about the purpose of the marriage, and what each one of us is going to get out of it.  

Thanks for responding, Sean.

​When I use the phrase "activity" -- in part, I'm reluctant to be too specific because this forum can be read by anyone, and I'm worried about that.  The other problem is that I don't actually know precisely what it is he's up to.

Here's the timeline:

We stopped having sex over twenty years ago.
​I have absolute proof that he cheated on me some time before 2006.  I don't know any more than that.  I had good reason to believe he would not cheat on me again.
​In around 2010 there were two instances of gay porn being sent to our printer from his computer.  He doesn't know that I know about this.  For all I know, this is just a case of him viewing porn, or on the other hand it could be the tip of the iceberg.  He is very secretive about protecting his passwords, so I don't have access to his computer or his cellphone.
​In late 2017, I discovered that he had been using Viagra.  I didn't confront him, yet.

​So I don't actually know the extent of his "activities", which is why I use that phrase.  I don't have proof that he's cheating on me, but at the same time his credibility on this issue is shot.  So it doesn't seem like there's anything to be gained by asking him to explain the Viagra.  If he has an explanation, I won't believe him and I won't be able to disprove him -- so why give him that opening?  Better to just tell him we have some unfinished business from 2006 to discuss, and as a result of that unfinished business I find I can't explain the Viagra to my own satisfaction, and his credibility is obviously shot.  So that's where we stand.

Sean,  You write, "Now, my ego has healed, I'm fine with what happened & am very comfortable posting here."  Can you explain what you mean by, "I'm fine with what happened."  Thanks for posting.