You are so right Lynne. I really never looked at it that way before.  He is a smart, kind, successful guy but always finding ways to throw that out to others for admiration.  I know nothing will ever change no matter what he says.  I must now find a new path for myself.  I am so tired of making excuses and living a lie.  It is just so difficult to move forward. How do I explain the sudden breakup of my marriage to my son & granddaughter who absolutely adores him when they no nothing about this situation?

​But you are right, he is braking me.

Hope,
As Duped and Lynne have said in other words:  It's not you.  It's him.  You can never "be enough" because he is a black hole of dysfunction, a man with a disordered personality whose cross dressing is part and parcel of that dysfunction and disorder. 
   The addictive high he gets leads him in deeper, and the deeper he gets into it, the less he sees outside of it.  Addicts are masters of emotional manipulation; they lie, they cheat, they blame shift, they deny. They give you only so much as they calculate is needed to keep you around to cater to them in whatever way they need at the moment.  We mistake their moves in this direction, failing to see them as stemming from their self-interest; we want to believe they care for us, love us, because we are attributing to them our own outlook and motives, but any actual concern for us is far from their central concern, which is for themselves and the management of their dysfunction.  You can't fix or heal his disordered personality.  You can only protect yourself from what Lynne so rightly calls "an emotionally abusive situation." What I finally realized is that as long as I waited for him to recognize the wrong he's doing me, I'd be waiting forever, and the longer I stay, the more I'll feel the erosion of yourself and your self-respect and self-esteem.  
  If you search for whatasham's posts, I think they will resonate with you.  
  
   


 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 14, 2018 9:06 am)

As the day goes on my mind is walking down (bad) memory lane.  Things are coming back to me that I chose to forget. 

I know he has another phone, has had it for years. I asked him why he keeps it.  "It is so cheap, I hate to give it up".  RIGHT, how stupid do you think I am.

Years ago my sister & I went to Aruba for her birthday. He was thrilled that I was going "what a wonderful gift for you & your sister". When I got home I saw messages I believe on his computer that he was meeting someone (a woman) "But nothing sexual happened.  She let's me cd & understands me". I was devastated. I told him she's a prostitute, pay her & she'll tell you anything.

I once found a deed where he was going to give some of our property away for female changes to his body.  When I confronted him with this he told me it's just a fantasy.

​Caught him on the phone 1 time talking to a clinic about breast augmentation.  Once again just a fantasy. Then he had the never to tell me since I don't fantasize something is wrong with me.

​He also has some kind of hormone cream shipped to him from out of the country.  Says it calms him down.  I would think it just feeds his emotions.

​I suggested we go to therapy but he says no, there is nothing wrong with him.  He has had these feelings since he was a child. " It is society that is wrong".  I told him that very well may be but this is the society we live in today.  And besides IT IS STILL CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE!   He does not believe that, it is just something he needs he tells me.  Me like a fool just sits there with my mouth open.  I asked him once how would he feel if I talked with other men.  He said "well if that's what you really need. WHAT!!!!!

OMG,  I could go on and on and probably will as things come to mind.

 

  You listed three things your husband has done that are about altering his body to feminize himself: actively look into how to pay for surgery and consider doing so with a trade of property; inquire at a clinic about breast augmentation; apply estrogen (hormone) cream.  This is not just cross-dressing.  

 I hope one of the things you will now do to protect yourself is to make sure your property is secure.  If your name is on the deed, he should need your signature to transfer it.  But check, because some joint bank accounts are set up so that the first person on the account (often the husband) is able to take out loans or sign property deeds without the permission of the person whose name comes second (who must, however, seek the permission of the person whose name comes first).  

 I've also heard a version of "there's nothing wrong with me; it's society!": my husband says he merely has "an alternative sexuality" that "doesn't hurt anyone."  His sexuality is not, however, simply an alternative one, the way gay and lesbian sexuality is.  It's a sexuality centered on a misdirected heterosexual target: a fantasy inner woman he is driven to bring into being by dressing up as her.  Doing so gives him a sexual thrill, because that's who he's attracted to: himself, acting as a woman.  We are useful to them only insofar as we play to their desire to act like a woman.  And as you're not acting in his fantasies, now wonder your sex life has dwindled.  
   I very much share your anguish about having to move on and even more so having to tell our children why.  You don't have to start by telling your son.  Start by telling another family member or a good friend.  Or seek out a therapist for yourself (forget going wtih him). Don't look for a therapist who specializes in gender; look for a therapist who is familiar with trauma and/or women's self esteem or autonomy.  Trust me when I say continuing to reach out will lighten your burden.  Isolation keeps us stuck.  We need alternative perspectives and ways to think about our situation.  We on this forum understand, but we are a virtual community; it feels good to have someone in your day to day life you can talk to without having to censor yourself.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 14, 2018 2:04 pm)