It's been a while since I posted, but I've been reading all of your posts, and am sending you healing and positive thoughts and prayers. This truly is a maddening time, a time when some of us doubt our self-worth and especially our sexual self-esteem. It's been 10 months since I fully suspected enough that my husband was gay-in-denial to get my own head out of the sand. I was married to my GID (Gay in Denial) spouse for almost 10 years, together over 12. Thankfully, I have my own house in a town about an hour from him, so I can live on my own (though money is an issue). I can't lie and pretend I didn't get "snowed" back into the marriage with the love bombing, the "passionate" (rather desperate) sex. And then, within months, the sex took a dark turn. It dwindled to once or twice a month. I keep a fit body, have even undergone breast lifts/tummy tucks to try to entice him, thinking I must be ugly since he never seemed to "hunger" for me. During sex, he keeps his eyes shut tight, won't open them. He is done in less than 5 minutes. I have been living at my own place, but feel like I have to placate him or he won't give me my monthly allowance. I lost my job of 30 years and am a writer hoping to publish a new book for income. When I married him, he presented a pre-nup on the day before our wedding and I was coerced into signing it. The pre-nup leaves me penniless. I have hired a private investigator specializing in digital forensics. They will look into his phone(s) and computer for everything. What has thrown me off course, is he NEVER hides his phone. He also doesn't seem to delete his history or act protective of his phone I have never found proof on the phone or computer for his proclivities. A year ago, I did find something on his old phone. He said to a male friend. "Want to go have a nice dinner tonight?" There is more about him. He is obsessed with staying fit and thin. Hates fat on men and women. Loves musicals, romantic comedies, and geeked out during xmas watching the Hallmark holiday movies. He loves Moulin Rouge and Rent, both musicals. He loved Glee, the Voice, the movie Mama Mia, and on and on. His best friend since childhood is gay and they always have lunch together (but usually with another person or two.) His gay best friend has a partner. I was told before I married him that he was gay and his wife caught him in bed with a man. I have no proof, other than my instincts which are raging and making me crazy. I have asked him if he is gay and he denied it. All I know is that he makes me feel disgusting and ashamed to even disrobe near him. He doesn't kiss me passionately. He IS affectionate about hugs and hand-holding. I'm slowly going bat-shit crazy. Just needed to vent and seek support.