For me it’s much much worse for two reasons

- if my partner is only interested in women then I have all the capacity I need to keep him interested in me, it may not work out and he may find some other woman he prefers and that feels kinda ok, obviously no-one wants to be dumped for another woman but it is comprehensible if he is drawn to someone else. When it’s a man or a transsexual that he’s attracted to then I literally have no chance of “competing” I feel like I was competing in a secret game I never knew about. And of course in both scenarios I shouldn’t have been competing just presenting my best self and hoping he wanted it. With SSA I had no game to play, I was on to a loser.

- the confusion it all generated has taken up wayyyy too much of my mental resources, I can understand my ex fancying other women and I have had others who have cheated with them but finding myself partnered with someone who fancies crossdressers and transsexuals (not to mention himself dressed as a woman?!) is just too much for my brain and has taken so much longer to get over.

Last edited by Duped (January 13, 2018 3:10 pm)

Goonnowgo wrote:

I was asked by someone who wanted to know why it is different having a spouse who cheats on you with opposite or same sex. Thoughts?
I personally feel there is a big difference although I would still not accept the behavior because I believe(d) in monogamy. Anyone want to field this question? Seriously, it hurt me when someone asked me that. To me, it is because of how profound the level of betrayal is. Maybe they never really loved us. I still struggle with this idea. I believed very deeply that I was loved and admired and even adored by my GIDX. Was any of it true? Has he forgotten it all? Who is he anyway?

​Great question.  If this helps any -- to me, at least, cheating is cheating, but remember -- I'm the person who got cheated on, this question should really be put to the person who did the cheating.  I suspect in his mind, there is a difference.  He may have rationalized it by thinking he was justified because his wedding vow of fidelity only applied to sex with women.  He may have rationalized it in any number of ways.  I won't buy that excuse, by the way.  I know the way cheating men tend to think and talk, because I used to be single.  They all seem to have a way of bending their words and deeds to have a certain meaning -- I mean, I know this is off-topic, but think back to when Rudy Giuliani was running for Senator of NY State, and he was spotted by the press having a romantic dinner with a woman not his wife, and there were rumors going around with all his aides and all about this.  So he went public and said that he and his wife were separated, and that their marriage was effectively over.  And the only problem was, he'd forgotten to mention any of that to his still-faithful wife, who responded with a press conference of her own saying that she was under the impression that they were working through their marital difficulties, and she learned for the first time that this wasn't the case when she turned on the TV and saw her husband announce to the world their separation, before he'd broached the subject with her directly.  It sounds crazy, but I know a lot of men like this, who repeat the same internal monologue so many times they start to believe it.  It's why I never believe men who say things like "My wife and I have an arrangement" or "My wife is in denial, she doesn't want to know".  It's a self-justifying explanation, but his wife is never there to contradict his recollection of events.  

​At this point, I also want to apologize to the men here.  I'm sure not all men are like this; it's just my limited experience.  So please don't take this as a slur on all men.

​I suspect that whenever I do get around to confronting my husband, he's not going to admit any kind of sexual activity with men.  But, I suspect that he may have some internal monologue going that exempts man-on-man sex from the definition of infidelity.  

​I would also say, there's one other big difference between being cheated on by a hetero vs. gay:  you end up feeling like the relationship was a fraud from the very beginning.  Your ability to trust is gone, because you were lied to -- not only when things were difficult in the marriage, you were actually lied to during the courtship and the betrothal and the honeymoon and everything.  It was all premised on a lie you were told.
 

Walkbymyself - You put it all so very well about the difference between being cheated on by a gay spouse vs a straight one: fraud.  If the spouse was straight, you would at least think they had originally loved you and felt that you had something together.  With the gay spouse, it is that they never truly loved you like a spouse in the first place, and like you say, "your ability to trust is gone ...."

I have seen this argument many times before, i.e. that it is no different than being cheated on by another straight person, that cheaters are cheaters, etc.  I think it is said only to try and reduce the severity of what has happened.  I have also noticed that the argument often comes from either a gay spouse or a straight spouse who is trying to hold onto their marriage and still has some sort of hope of working things out.

What you said about the situation rings absolutely true, and there is a big difference between being cheated on by another straight person, who you once really had something with, versus a gay person who has done nothing but lie, deceive, and defraud through every day of the relationship - sometimes for decades.

Another thought about realizing we "never had a chance".  Had we truly known our GID spouses and the amount of deception, we would Never Have Wanted to become involved.  In the beginning of realizing that my ex was GID, I kept hoping he would "choose me".  That was my shock.  Once I realized the true picture, I did not want to be chosen.  Once I came out of shock, I wanted nothing more to do with any kind of deception or unhealthy compromise.  It was suffocating.  Now, I have healing to do, but I can breathe.

GID spouses are not mentally healthy.  They are not healthy gay individuals.  If they had been healthy, gay individuals, they never would have married a straight person.  They married us from an unhealthy, deceptive place.  A GID person damages themselves to the core and then damages many others, along the way.