OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Tonia
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Over It
I’m new here. I’m the straight spouse. The lied to spouse. The deceived/duped spouse. The spouse that wasted 8 years of her life. I’ve known for 5 years. Stayed because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t think I had any other option. Today, all I can think about is leaving. I stayed because he swore he wasn’t gay and in my naiveness I believed him. He told me he didn’t want to be labeled. That he doesn’t find men attractive but has sex with them and watches gay porn. Sure sounds gay to me. He has no joy and is an angry human being. At times, I have been on the receiving end of his anger. I’ve lived downstairs in our home for the last 2 years. We co-exist at this point. I want more. I long for intimacy and to be loved. I haven’t told anyone. I feel ashamed. I feel like a fool. How do you move on? Find peace? Trust? Love?
- Rob
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Re: Over It
Tonia wrote:
I’m new here. I’m the straight spouse. The lied to spouse. The deceived/duped spouse. The spouse that wasted 8 years of her life.... I haven’t told anyone. I feel ashamed. I feel like a fool. How do you move on? Find peace? Trust? Love?
Tonia,
A warm welcome.
You have taken the first step by posting here ...so you have told someone. The next step is to build a support system of people you can tell and trust.
Do no feel ashamed. you did what any normal person was do; and you loved and trusted. You did nothing wrong.
I have found peace away from the my abusive GIDX. I am working on moving on. Trust and love? that is more difficult. but I do have my immediate family who I can trust. Im not sure one gets over it so much as moves further away from it so it becomes distant and less useful to dwell on.
A supportive e-hug (virtual but authentic) as you begin your journey.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Duped
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Re: Over It
Sorry you find yourself here Tonia. You will definitely move on, find peace and probably love and trust again. It takes time and it takes work but it is better than staying in that awful situation with no prospect of happiness.
We’re here to help, please keep posting, it helps to share and unburden.
- Kel
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Re: Over It
Hi Tonia,
Welcome. You've already taken several steps, actually. You have decided to try staying, and you've seen that that's not working for you. You also know what you want out of a relationship. It may seem as though you haven't gotten anywhere, but you've already gotten to where it sometimes (as in your case) takes years to get to. That step is over now - the one where you keep banging your head against the wall because you think you have to.
You can only take the next step. Finding love needs to come after that. First you need to get free. Then you can begin healing and making a new life for yourself. It sounds really scary, I know. And it can be. But sometimes, we find out that it was easier than what staying in limbo was. You make the assumption that it's going to be harder, but really, there is nothing more difficult than the place you're in right now. The one where you know this isn't what you want but you feel paralyzed to move on. Sitting still can be painful - especially if it's with someone who isn't acting loving to you. Moving to the next step can be a big relief.
The next step is speaking with a lawyer. It's free to do a consultation. Before you go, gather as much info as you can. Figure out what you have in your bank accounts (both of you, if possible), what debts you owe, how much you still owe on the house, etc. Then go chat with a lawyer. They should be able to tell you what to typically expect. Then you can start to see a more clear path for yourself. You don't have to be ready to sign paperwork to go do a consultation. And you wouldn't believe how much useful info you'll get out of it.
Then you can start making decisions about the next step. And the next. You don't have to see yourself a clear path all the way to the end of the game - just the next step. Just keep taking the next step, and you'll eventually find yourself in a different place. Ask yourself what's the worst that can happen. Are you going to wind up sleeping in a gutter? Likely not. Figure out who in your life you can use as a confidant and sounding board. Who will be supportive. And don't feel ashamed of any of this. You trusted your spouse - like everyone else wants to in a trusting marriage. It's not your fault that he lied to you. You believed him because he intended for you to. You aren't dumb. You aren't foolish. You're woke now. And now you get to make decisions on how to map out your future. It can be really exciting, if you can get in the right frame of mind for it. "I'm taking my life back. I've been held hostage for long enough. Iiiiii have the power to free me, and I am GOING to do it!" Then take the next step.
Keep posting. We're here.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (January 9, 2018 2:50 pm)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- phoenix
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Re: Over It
I haven’t told anyone. I feel ashamed. I feel like a fool. How do you move on? Find peace? Trust? Love?
Welcome Tonia.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. But in this place you are safe and among friends who have survived and understand what you are going through.
First.. Please don't feel ashamed. It's very common for us to feel embarrassed or ashamed or foolish. But we are none of these things. You made choices that you felt were correct, loving, supportive and honorable. Don't ever feel ashamed of yourself.
Please reach out to friends for support. You don't owe your husband secrecy if it comes at your own expense. We never recommend lashing out at him and spreading gossip with intent to harm him. But discreetly finding friends/family who can support you and hug you and help you through this is the best thing you can do.
Beyond the steps you've already taken (which are huge), you need to make the decision about what you want for the rest of your life. If you want to stand beside him and remain married you can work toward that. We have a special forum just for positive help for those trying to make it work. If you want to separate, then you need to start learning the rules and laws for your state, consult and attorney and make a plan. Start with baby steps.. use google to research and start thinking about things. It never hurts to get an education about something. Then later when you are ready you can make the next step.
Stick around, share as much as you wish. We are here for you.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Roo
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Re: Over It
Hi Tonya! Welcome to the group. I'm pretty new here too but you've come to the right place. Everyone is so supportive here.
Don't feel ashamed. This is not anything you did. But finding support is a step in the right direction.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
- clarity
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Re: Over It
Hi Tonya. I lived for years like this. You have done nothing at all to be ashamed of. Find someone you can trust. The more you live and tell YOUR truth, the easier it gets. And I absolutely agree that the only way I was able to do anything was by just concentrating on the next right step. The whole enchilada is too much to swallow at once. Trust yourself!